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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be slightly irritated by the parent who never responds to any of our class rep letters

155 replies

gameboy · 05/10/2008 22:49

I am class rep for DS1's class. Think I'm fairly low-level - not in-your-face sort of mum.

Lovely class - all mums very friendly. We do the usual stuff - occasional coffees, christmas night out, school fair, etc

All mums except ONE have given e-mail addresses for contact, which obviously makes it easier to organise stuff, as I work part-time, and am not always at the school door. The one who hasn't just gave us her mobile.
OK, I respect someone's right to privacy, so whenever I send an e-mail out to the group, I print out a copy, put it in an envelope and send it via the school. And, if it's a coffee morning etc I've sent her a text reminder too.
It's a bit of a pain, but I wouldn't mind except for the fact that she has NEVER replied or acknowledged any of my notes, invitations, or requests for help - not even to say, sorry, no I can't come/help.

It's as if it's just disappearing into a black hole!

It happened all last year for the last class rep, and now it's just beginning again this year.
I've just been sitting here printing out a class list to send her (went via e-mail to everyone else) and I'm thinking 'why bother' - perhaps I shoulod just drop her off the list if she doesn't have the decency to reply?

OP posts:

JuneBugJen · 06/10/2008 11:09

Gameboy - agree with you, its all been a bit negative when it sounds like you have good intentions.

I think the take home message though it 'Back Off'! She is otherwised engaged and also not too sure that wanting to be inclusive is a good reason for making her a special case. I would send a quick text to tell her that unless you hear further from her you will just be assuming she will keep an eye on the notice board and to get hold of you directly if she wants to get more involved.

SmugColditz · 06/10/2008 11:10

if by 'different expectations' you mean 'have the expectation of privacy' then yes, expectations do differ wildly. You clearly think it is appropriate to badger someone for a reply they have made abundantly clear they don't wish to give, and many people don't think is is appropriate behavior at all. Do you not think it's a bit odd to be using a mobile phone to give non-essential information to someone you don't really know who isn't replying?

fircone · 06/10/2008 11:15

Just leave her alone. Although I understand your intentions are good.

Hate class reps, though. they tried them at the dc's school but it was a grand failure as most class reps merely communicated with their own cliques. No one ever communicated a single thing to me! And agree with earlier poster that I'd like to hear school business from horse's mouth rather than from another mother.

cupsoftea · 06/10/2008 11:18

agree fircone - school info from the school & coffee mettups from he class reps.

why hassle people - if you're concerned about them you could ask their child round to play & have a chat.

Kewcumber · 06/10/2008 11:21

Just send her a note with next newsletter saying "As of 1 NOvember, the newsletter is moving to an email only basis to reduce costs if anyone has not given me your email address by then you will cease to receive a newsletter"

Don't personalise it to her. And tell the school so that they can communicate directly with her regarding school notices.

BecauseImWorthIt · 06/10/2008 11:23

I can only think that if she had to call on the class rep then she must have been desperate. Probably the class rep was the only name/contact number that she had.

SmugColditz · 06/10/2008 11:23

not everyone has internet access, so by moving it to email only you are in effect ensuring that only a certain income bracket and computer literacy level receive school information.

Kewcumber · 06/10/2008 11:25

on reflection why not just print out the email put a stamp on it and mail it to her every month.

It would be the kind thing to do and surely not that big a deal.

Shitehawk · 06/10/2008 11:25

What does her race have to do with anything? Would you feel any differently about this if she was white? Because you shouldn't.

She has made it perfectly clear that she isn't interested and it's time you backed off and respected that. Keep giving her the newsletters if you really must but don't get offended when she doesn't respond. You choose to give them out; she doesn't have to do anything with them.

Positive intentions or not, you are flogging a dead horse. Not everyone relishes the idea of class reps and jolly get-togethers; I know I wouldn't.

WingsofaBat · 06/10/2008 11:27

She might have changed her Mobile number.

Maybe next time you see her you could ask if she is interest.

Spidermama · 06/10/2008 11:31

I don't know who any of the class reps are and that's the way I like it.

If I had something specific to ask, I would seek out the class rep, but I wouldn't wish to be troubled otherwise.

Some people don't like feeling they're somehow being organised by others. I don't like feeling part of groups because I like the freedom to do my own thing. I'm not alone and I'm not being delibertely difficult, it's just the way I am.

WeirdCod · 06/10/2008 11:31

Message withdrawn

Original poster

gameboy · 06/10/2008 11:33

Colditz - that's the problem - she HASN'T made anything abundantly clear.

She gave her mobile number as the main (only)contact. (Fine, I never said anywhere, that she HAD to give an e-mail address...)
As I said above, we asked (via mobile) if she wanted to receive these messages (giving her a chance to opt out of the 'twitter') but she didn't even reply to that.
I don't even know if her mobile is still valid.
We asked people to confirm that their class list details were correct/ confirm/ remove details they didn't want included. We had no response.

OK, if she wants total privacy THAT IS ABSOLUTELY FINE and I will respect that, but I just wish she would tell me this, to save me worrying about including her in everything.

As I also said, it's not just about 'non-essential' information. The school uses a 'pyramid cascade system' through the class reps to inform parents e.g. if the school is closed due to broken hetaing/ weather etc. Right now I have no idea whether she would get a message we left for her.

As I said before, this is a small school. The experience and expectations are that it operates very much as a community between the school and parents, and the reality is that it does this very well, and to the benefit of all. However there needs to be a tiny bit of co-operation from the parents to make it work.

I can imagine that some of this sounds claustraphobic to people in other places/ bigger classes/ where there isn't such a feeling of school community. It doesn't make it wrong - just different.

I'm really not going to get drawn into this any further. I hear the arguments from all sides, so will probably back off from sending her anything except the essential school stuff.

Life's too short to try to please everyone.

OP posts:

Shitehawk · 06/10/2008 11:33

If I had something specific to ask, I'd ask the teacher. Or the head. Or the secretary.

WingsofaBat · 06/10/2008 11:34

I've never heard of a class rep either.

Original poster

gameboy · 06/10/2008 11:36

I don't know anyone who DOESN'T have class reps, Cod....

OP posts:

Spidermama · 06/10/2008 11:38

Kewcumber · 06/10/2008 11:38

just send her everything. it doesn't matter if she doesn't respond and you can congratulate yourself that you have risen above her rudeness.

Her child is entitled to schooling and the school is obliged to communicate important information to her about that schooling, she isn't obliged to buy into any "community" aspect.

Stop worryiong about it and just send her the info.

I'd be amazed if she is the first or last person to do this at your school.

WingsofaBat · 06/10/2008 11:40

We don't have them at our school.

Original poster

Gameboy · 06/10/2008 11:42

Spidermama - Excellent! Shall we schedule it in over cocktails on the first evening? Before or after a massage in the spa, do you think?

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 06/10/2008 11:46

I haven't had to deal with class reps yet. I thought they were a fiendish invention to make WOHm mums feel inadequate

cutekids · 06/10/2008 11:49

perhaps she's very shy and feels that the more "involved" she gets,the more she's going to be expected to interract with other mums..which she obviously doesn't want to do.i'm quite shy and anything "schooly"scares me a bit...don't know why,it just does.i hid for months when one teacher asked if i'd like to help out in "kerbkraft" because i didn't have the guts to say no but absolutely didn't want to be involved...i know that sounds terrible.i'm just VERY shy with teachers etc.

JuneBugJen · 06/10/2008 11:50

I am a class rep and a WOHM Kewcumber. I inhabit the shadowy land where worlds collide. Where homemade cupcakes battle briefcases...etc etc etc.

babymt · 06/10/2008 11:51

Some people don't want to make pally pally friends. I for one don't and resent being made to!

Kewcumber · 06/10/2008 11:52

lordy JBJ where do you find the time? How do you "do" coffee mornings/lunches?

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