Need to vent- sister smoked throughout pregnancy and now baby is in special care.

[ILikeYourSleeves]

I wasn't sure where to post this and it's probably a vent rather than an AIBU but I have been thinking about this all weekend and need to vent somewhere. My sister had a baby girl on Saturday (her first) and she is unfortunately in the special care ward in an incubator She stopped breathing when she was born and had to be resuscitated and had oxygen for the first day of her life. She is also having to be fed through a tube and has a drip. She is getting better but I feel so sorry for the wee lamb and the difficult start she has had. I am obviously aware that it's a difficult time for my sister, she is separated from her baby and is worried if she will be OK. But I guess I am posting here due to the many mixed emotions I am feeling as my sister smoked heavily throughout her pregnancy. I can't help but wonder if the baby is having breathing and lung problems because of the smoking and that's making me feel pretty angry towards my sister. She said she was going to give up when she found out she was PG but she didn't, despite me trying to encourage her, pointing out the risks etc. Yes I totally understand it's an addiction (I am an ex-smoker myself from years ago) but to still smoke when PG really gets me. I spoke to her about it again only a few weeks ago as she said she didn't think she would breastfeed because she would still be smoking when the baby is here (!), and I asked her if she actually wanted to quit to which she said 'no'. I find that quite unbelieveable, it's not that she wants to quit but can't, but more that she enjoys smoking and doesn't actually want to stop.

What really got me I think though was that after we gazed at the little baby (also low birthweight & 2 weeks early) covered in wires and tubes, and having a tube forced up through her nose and down her throat, my sister and her bloke then went outside the maternity ward for a fag.

I didn't say anything to her despite screaming inside as I know she has so much on her plate anyway with her baby being so poorly, but aararrrarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!! I just think it's very selfish and would have thought that seeing your baby all hooked up would be enough to make you think it's really time to quit. Yes she will be stressed and is perhaps using cigs to cope but I am so angry- AIBU???? I'm sure some of you will think I need to butt out and keep my opinions to myself but fair enough if an adult wants to kill themselves with fags but when you see a tiny defenseless baby who can't have that choice, well it's truly awful. They are going to keep smoking at home too despite SIDS research.

cheshire - To answer your question: No, it's not that hard to quit smoking when pregnant. Especially in the first trimester when your sense of smell is heightened and you even gag at odours that you would find pleasant at other times.

Thanks for your messages of support and for allowing me to vent. I am happy to say that the baby is now a lot better and is being allowed home tomorrow! I don't think it's clear yet what the background is to her breathing problems, hopefully they won't affect her in the future. We will see how things go at home and I will chat to my sister in the future if she chooses to smoke around her baby.

Thanks for all your good wishes for the little baby x

glad to hear the baby is better

"All I am saying, is it too hard not to smoke for 9 months (prob less as most women do not know they are pregnant until about 5 weeks. "

Especially when you consider that you can get nicotiene replacement therapy (patches and gum) free on prescription when you are pregnant and for a year afterwards.

ILikeYourSleeves, glad baby is better now, is your sister bfing??

1. my baby was in special care, had oxygen and was low birth weight. I DID NOT smoke during my pregnancy. It might not be related.
2. Smoking is an addiction. If it was that easy for everyone to quit, there would be very few smokers. It takes, on average (rough) 7 serious attempts to recover from an addiction (based on Kolb's Cycle of Change, research based on smokers attempting to quit, and now used in most cognitive behavioural theory for addiction, if any one wants to read the processes you go through, and how hard it might actually be!!! sad I know).
3. An addictive craving is increased during heightened anxiety/stress/times of worry - your sister is not in the right place emotionally/physically to quit now, it takes a phsyical and chemical toll on the body which could be detrimental to her and her ability to support her partner and baby through this difficult time.

My sister smoked heavily throughout pregnancy, and her baby was born prematurely and small for date.

She has the most amazing capacity for self delusion, and maintains that the fact she smoked has nothing to do with it, and still smokes in the house.

It makes me so angry that her baby is being put at risk because of her selfishness.

At least you are trying to be supportive to your sister, and hopefully she will stop smoking (if even from the financial side of things). Personally I can't even bear to be in the same room as my sister.

Glad to hear your neice is a bit better.

Saw on the news that babies who are larger at birth are more likely to get breast cancer later on. Maybe everyone had better start smoking to reduce the size.

Please Onager, you are being tongue in cheek?

When my mum was pregnant with me (40 years ago) she told the MW that she was hardly smoking at all because she didn't like the smell whilst pregnant and the MW told her not to give up smoking as it made "small babies and easy deliveries" how things change!!

Greenmonkies, no she is being formula fed. The nurses started this in hospital so my sister has decided to stick with it. I am trying to encourage her to at least mix feed but last conversation we had she said she was just going to do formula.

Poor baby.

pavlov - For every research you can show that says it takes many attempts and a calm mind to quit smoking, I can show examples of people who have quit immediately and cold turkey as soon as they have a heart attack.

All it takes is the determination to never smoke again. Really.

(I quit 10 months ago)

"By kt14 on Mon 29-Sep-08 21:11:48
DH's cousin smoked like a chimney throughout pregnancy and at the time, openly said she was doing it to keep the baby's birth weight low angry

The baby was unfortunately born with cystic fibrosis (I know this is genetic and not linked to the smoking) but they still choose to smoke in the house now, and around their child. It makes me so cross as it has to be one of the worst things they could do for their ds, but I figure they have an awful lot to deal with, given their child's needs and have bitten my tongue as it's really none of my business."

I can't believe this kt14. It is indeed the worst thing they could do round a child with CF, do they want to decrease his life expectancy? Poor, poor thing. In this case I think you shouldn't bite your tongue. I have a disease similar to CF and was smoked around when little, I ended up almost dying of pneumonia at 18 months, and now have severely damaged lungs. Doctors say the smoking will have significantly worsened things. Poor child, CF is a horrendous disease, I really can't get my head round them smoking round him - imo this is abuse.

I'm really suprised that there are people on this thread defending smoking in pregnancy and around babies.

There's freedom of choice and then there's being stupid, irresponsible and utterly, utterly selfish.

Unbelievable.

earthpixie, I hope you didn't take my post as "defending" anyone. I was merely stating the fact that it is an addiction. With any addiction the person thinks of themselves first and until they reach a point where they wish to quit...all the support, threats and suffering (whether themselves or others) isn't going to change them.