Need to vent- sister smoked throughout pregnancy and now baby is in special care.

[ILikeYourSleeves]

I wasn't sure where to post this and it's probably a vent rather than an AIBU but I have been thinking about this all weekend and need to vent somewhere. My sister had a baby girl on Saturday (her first) and she is unfortunately in the special care ward in an incubator She stopped breathing when she was born and had to be resuscitated and had oxygen for the first day of her life. She is also having to be fed through a tube and has a drip. She is getting better but I feel so sorry for the wee lamb and the difficult start she has had. I am obviously aware that it's a difficult time for my sister, she is separated from her baby and is worried if she will be OK. But I guess I am posting here due to the many mixed emotions I am feeling as my sister smoked heavily throughout her pregnancy. I can't help but wonder if the baby is having breathing and lung problems because of the smoking and that's making me feel pretty angry towards my sister. She said she was going to give up when she found out she was PG but she didn't, despite me trying to encourage her, pointing out the risks etc. Yes I totally understand it's an addiction (I am an ex-smoker myself from years ago) but to still smoke when PG really gets me. I spoke to her about it again only a few weeks ago as she said she didn't think she would breastfeed because she would still be smoking when the baby is here (!), and I asked her if she actually wanted to quit to which she said 'no'. I find that quite unbelieveable, it's not that she wants to quit but can't, but more that she enjoys smoking and doesn't actually want to stop.

What really got me I think though was that after we gazed at the little baby (also low birthweight & 2 weeks early) covered in wires and tubes, and having a tube forced up through her nose and down her throat, my sister and her bloke then went outside the maternity ward for a fag.

I didn't say anything to her despite screaming inside as I know she has so much on her plate anyway with her baby being so poorly, but aararrrarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!! I just think it's very selfish and would have thought that seeing your baby all hooked up would be enough to make you think it's really time to quit. Yes she will be stressed and is perhaps using cigs to cope but I am so angry- AIBU???? I'm sure some of you will think I need to butt out and keep my opinions to myself but fair enough if an adult wants to kill themselves with fags but when you see a tiny defenseless baby who can't have that choice, well it's truly awful. They are going to keep smoking at home too despite SIDS research.

OP - just wondering. DO they smoke in the house at the moment or do they go outside?

Can I reiterate that I am only on here to vent as I said originally, I am not judging my sister personally but saying that I am not happy about her behaviour. I would like to think that MN is a safe place to vent and yes I accept various people will have various opinions on this matter but I am entitled to have my own opinion too. It is my private thoughts and I have not said anything to my sister as I am obviously trying to offer her support. And if I am so awful for daring to be concerned about smoking having an affect on a baby, what would I be like if I didn't give two hoots about it all?

Chloe, they say they don't smoke in the house but I was there only 2 weeks ago and I came out stinking. And that was just from the fumes lingering about from earlier as noone smoked while I was there. Sister says her partner smokes a lot in the bathroom. My sister smokes outside at my parents but leaves the door open most of the time and it wafts in. Even if she doesn't I can smell the smoke all over her.

DH's cousin smoked like a chimney throughout pregnancy and at the time, openly said she was doing it to keep the baby's birth weight low

The baby was unfortunately born with cystic fibrosis (I know this is genetic and not linked to the smoking) but they still choose to smoke in the house now, and around their child. It makes me so cross as it has to be one of the worst things they could do for their ds, but I figure they have an awful lot to deal with, given their child's needs and have bitten my tongue as it's really none of my business.

So I do understand where OP is coming from, but I think at the moment your sister just needs your support, not your judgement on her smoking. Maybe once her baby is home you can gently broach the subject with her, hopefully her HV will do likewise. If she isn't going to listen there is nothing you can really do.

Hope all goes well for you all.

twelvelegs- I agree. I know it can be hard, but everybody can do it if they REALLY want to. And there is loads of help around nowadays

It is a natural human response to try to find a cause and something - someone - to blame when things go wrong. But sometimes bad things just happen. It's almost magical thinking 'the crops have failed, let's burn the witch'. We know that last line is daft and snigger at our ancestors for believing it. But we do the same ourselves all the time.

Don't look for blame, just support your sister and your new niece.

"It is a natural human response to try to find a cause and something - someone - to blame when things go wrong. But sometimes bad things just happen. It's almost magical thinking 'the crops have failed, let's burn the witch'."

Yes - except that in the case of the OP we're not talking about superstition and unreasonable prejudice - there's good scientific evidence that heavy smoking in pregnancy is linked to serious morbidity and mortality in babies.

But anyway - there's not point in blaming people when what's done is done and can't be changed.

Except to wonder if a bit of straight talking my induce enough guilt to stop the mum from being complacent about doing something so stupid and cruel next time she has a baby.

There is no proof that the OP's sister is responsible for her baby's woes. Smoking raises the risk of undesirable things, there are no guarantees. And no guarantee your baby will be fine whether you smoke or not.

And what does blaming the mother achieve? 'A bit of straight talking' will just hurt her when she's vulnerable and stressed and would be based on the unproven assumption that she is to blame. Where's your proof that attacking smokers helps them to quit? Quite the reverse. It would just make the person doing the attacking feel pleased with themselves, unjustly.

If baby is small for dates, she probably has IUGR - intra uterine growth retardation. This is caused by SMOKING.

Your ds is being very selfish.

Also, smoking parents have a much higher risk of their babes dying of SIDS.

YANBU.

"If baby is small for dates, she probably has IUGR - intra uterine growth retardation. This is caused by SMOKING."

Really this is only caused by smoking? wow i never knew that

Or is smoking one of the pausible causes? Aolong with others which may have had nothing to do with smoking?

She may need to think about giving up anyway.
If her baby is having breathing problems theres a chance it may need to go home on o2 and they don't don't like fitting tanks in houses of smokers for safety reasons.
Hope things go well for them all and I completely understand your need to vent. Better at us than at the sister.

Ilikeyoursleeves, I hope this is a venting for you. It sounds like you have done all you can to aid your sister in quitting her habit. It is that though, a habit, she is addicted and until she wants to quit she won't.
I'm so sorry for your sisters baby...she not only has a hard start but a tough road in front of her considering both parents smoke.
I can only hope you keep trying. Your concern for your sister's baby and your sisters health is admirable.

Smoking can cause placental insufficency. If you have ever laid a baby of 2 days out, and taken her to a morgue and knew she may have stood a chance of living if mum had not smoked you would not be such a smug cow.

Sorry, but that babe really got to me. I was 32 weeks pregnant and working in SCBU at the time, and I still remember that little face after 19 years. And I remember mum being pregnant with her 2nd babe, and she still smoked!!

I give up.

Smoking doesn't contribute to the sorts of diseases where you can easily say that the smoking caused the disease. If that was possible the cigarette manufacturers would be sued on a regular basis and it is likely that cigarettes would be illegal. BUT there is a lot of evidence that they significantly raise the risk of a whole variety of disorders. So it is not at all unreasonable to wonder whether this particular baby might have had a better start in life, and to be angry and upset. There is however (and this is probably the most frustrating thing about loving someone who smokes) that the OP can do to help her sister give up. Only her sister can make that call. There are lots of ways that she can be supported once she makes that call. Several new drugs, patches, councelling, gum etc etc. Hopefully your sister will be offered all of these once the situation wit her baby has resolved.

chesh, that sort of judging wouldn't have gone down really well with me when dd2 was in scbu, and i've never smoked in my life. ever thought of a change of career?

I think that is probably the equivalent of nursing people on oncology wards and finding them in a wheelchair, with drip having a smoke outside the hospital grounds. It can't help but be very distressing, and when they die even worse. I don't think that necessarily means cheshirekitty has judged anyone with a child in SCBU who did not smoke, or otherwise endanger their child. People take all sorts of risks with their lives, and sometimes those risks come back and bite you. I had an accident when mountain biking. I have no problem with the A&E doctor who said "what have you done to yourself". If I had taken a baby on my bike and they had been hurt I would expect a lot more censure.

The trouble is that smoking seems to be something that is so addictive those who are in thrall are unable to stop and say this is killing me, (average of ten years less life expectancy for a heavy (ie 20 a day) smoker), let alone this might actually affect anyone else, whether that is the children you have, your partner, or a pregnancy. There is lots of help out there, and it is not impossible to stop, and yet many many people never seriously try to break their habit. I know someone who has had cancer, has been a nurse in an oncology ward, manages risk professionally, tells everyone else how to live their lives all the time, and yet considers it their human right to smoke, and objected wildly to the ban in public spaces. I wonder if smoking actually causes damage to the part of the brain that makes us think we can live without consequences.

Of course bad things can happen to the best person, who has lived their life in the healthiest way possible. Illness can hit any child, but most parents would risk a lot for their child's health and happiness, not risk their child's health and happiness for a quick hit of nicotine.

i'd still kind of like to think there was compassion for the people involved, even if they had acted with utter stupidity... apologies if i got the wrong end of the stick.

My friend is 26 weeks pregnant and still smoking. I hate it. She keeps telling me that her midwife says its better to keep smoking then have the stress of giving up. Also that she is better of to continue smoking if she breastfeeds?? What?????????

I used to smoke 20 a day and loved it. I gave up as soon as I found out I was pregnant. Yes it was hard but you do it for your baby not for you. I have now stopped for nearly a year and still miss it but wouldnt want my dd being around smoke.

I feel for your sister as I am sure she is blaming herself. Maybe her still smoking is just her way of coping. Hopefully when they get home they will stop. I hope the baby is ok x

Seriously, are there REALLY any midwifes out there that say it is ok to smoke if the Mum will get stressed by stopping??

I find that absolutely unbelieveable if so.

Sounds like a poor excuse to me for doing something which is absolutely indefensible.

I was not being harsh, I was not at all unkind to the mum involved, infact she gave me a card to say thank you for looking after her babe. I am only putting my side to it, the side that was inside me, no-one else saw it.

We midwives could tell by the placentas who the mums where who smoked. All I am saying, is it too hard not to smoke for 9 months (prob less as most women do not know they are pregnant until about 5 weeks.

After all, at the end of the 9 months hopefully we get the most precious gift of all.