Need to vent- sister smoked throughout pregnancy and now baby is in special care.

[ILikeYourSleeves]

I wasn't sure where to post this and it's probably a vent rather than an AIBU but I have been thinking about this all weekend and need to vent somewhere. My sister had a baby girl on Saturday (her first) and she is unfortunately in the special care ward in an incubator She stopped breathing when she was born and had to be resuscitated and had oxygen for the first day of her life. She is also having to be fed through a tube and has a drip. She is getting better but I feel so sorry for the wee lamb and the difficult start she has had. I am obviously aware that it's a difficult time for my sister, she is separated from her baby and is worried if she will be OK. But I guess I am posting here due to the many mixed emotions I am feeling as my sister smoked heavily throughout her pregnancy. I can't help but wonder if the baby is having breathing and lung problems because of the smoking and that's making me feel pretty angry towards my sister. She said she was going to give up when she found out she was PG but she didn't, despite me trying to encourage her, pointing out the risks etc. Yes I totally understand it's an addiction (I am an ex-smoker myself from years ago) but to still smoke when PG really gets me. I spoke to her about it again only a few weeks ago as she said she didn't think she would breastfeed because she would still be smoking when the baby is here (!), and I asked her if she actually wanted to quit to which she said 'no'. I find that quite unbelieveable, it's not that she wants to quit but can't, but more that she enjoys smoking and doesn't actually want to stop.

What really got me I think though was that after we gazed at the little baby (also low birthweight & 2 weeks early) covered in wires and tubes, and having a tube forced up through her nose and down her throat, my sister and her bloke then went outside the maternity ward for a fag.

I didn't say anything to her despite screaming inside as I know she has so much on her plate anyway with her baby being so poorly, but aararrrarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhhhh!!! I just think it's very selfish and would have thought that seeing your baby all hooked up would be enough to make you think it's really time to quit. Yes she will be stressed and is perhaps using cigs to cope but I am so angry- AIBU???? I'm sure some of you will think I need to butt out and keep my opinions to myself but fair enough if an adult wants to kill themselves with fags but when you see a tiny defenseless baby who can't have that choice, well it's truly awful. They are going to keep smoking at home too despite SIDS research.

Message withdrawn

That is a very very good but very sad point Onestonetogo

Onager, you are talking nonsense. It's very clear that smoking does not always cause low birthweight. Just as smoking does not always cause lung cancer.

But women who smoke during pregnancy are at increased risk of:

• low birthweight
• premature birth
• Placenta praevia
• placental abruption
• miscarriage
• stillbirth
• neonatal death
• cot death
• children developing asthma

There really is nothing controversial about that, no matter how resistant you may be to hearing the message.

None of this means that the OP's sister needs a lecture, however.

I hate smoking while pregnant. I felt bad enough that I smoked in the early weeks when pregnant with DD as I didn't know I was pregnant and it was not planned. But as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I didn;t touch one and wouldn't.

I actually think it should be illegal to smoke when pregnant or in the same house as a baby.

My DH smokes but outside and even then I hate it.

ILYS - IMO it would be pretty odd if you didn't feel a mix of worried/sad/wanting to help and angry. It's fine to feelmore than one emotion at a time. Is it possible that they will decide to stop smoking once they start to come to with the trauma they are going through?

(At the risk of expulsion from MN) I smoked and drank while pregnant. DS was born late, 7lb, healthy, is advanced for his age, not asthmatic. Yes we were lucky but the mothers who follow every single piece of advice given on what to do/avoid during pregnancy and tear themselves to bits trying to cope with the amount of utterly conflicting advice there is out there, still sometimes have premature or very ill babies.
The general obsession with blaming women for their behaviour first of all when something is wrong with a newborn is not only unkind and unhelpful, it;s a symptom of widespread misogyny.

Having said that, OP, I think you shouldn't be condemned for coming on to MN to rant and air your feelings rather than ranting at family members. Your feelings are valid:expressing them to your sister would be unkind but you know that.

Ephrinedaily, I am not 'slagging off' my sister. I am sorry if it is coming across like that but perhaps it's because I am upset and need to vent. We all know the dangers of cigarettes and pregnancy so to think it may have been avoidable is quite upsetting. I don't agree with my sisters behaviour but I still obviously feel total empathy for her as a person. I am giving her as much compassion and support as I can but I believe I am still entitled to have my own thoughts, and that's what they are, thoughts- I'm not going to go in all guns blazing and start 'slagging her off' in her lowest hour.

YANBU to feel the way you do. You are just being honest about your feelings and I would sooo feel the same way as you. But, as you have said, however hard it is, now is the time to put this aside and just be there for your neice and your sis who, I am sure, is probably consumed with guilt and pain and will be mentally punishing herself now and for years to come. I would so be angry and upset and confused and would find it really hard to hold back. Continue to vent on here - god knows, you need to vent somewhere about this awful situation - and try, however hard it is, to just be there for your sis and hope and pray that this poor little baby gets through this.

Excellent, rational and straightforward post firepile.

I had a premmie baby, and while she lay in intensive care, I was horrified to see other babies arrive who had mothers who'd smoked their way through pregancy. I couldnt have lived with myself if I'd thought I'd done anything which increased the risk of a prem baby.

Shocking.

And I think you sound like a great sis btw - many would have said something by now, given the situation

And I think you sound like a great sis btw - many would have said something by now, given the situation

Whats done is done and the op will never know what was a cause here and what is a coincidence. However she and this baby's parents know that smoking may harm their childs health now and may limit their own life expectancy. Looking at a very sick child as they are I find it very hard to comprehend how their need for cigarettes overrides their desire to protect their baby. So I don't think the op is unreasonable.

Look, your OP comes across a bit self-righteous and AIBU not really right place for it IMHO. But I shouldn't have said you were slagging her off. Hope your niece gets better soon anyway.

Of course it's fair enough for you to vent on here. But you must remember that you don't know why your niece is ill, and - as others have said - it is perfectly possible to smoke through a pregnancy and produce a perfectly healthy baby, or a baby who is not healthy but for reasons that are nothing to do with the smoking. Unless a medic tells you that your niece's health problems were caused by your sister's smoking, I think you should try to put the whole issue from your mind. There's nothing you can do about it now anyway.

What you might be able to do, with a lot of tact and empathy, is try to find a way to explain to your sister and BIL that they should not smoke in the house when the baby comes home.

Onetonetogo - the situation with breastmilk and smoking is complex.

Basically, smoking has an impact on breastmilk quantity (probably because it interferes with hormone levels in the mother) and quality. Nicotine does pass into the milk, but not all the toxins do. Formula fed babies of smoking mothers will also be absorbing toxins from clothes, skin and in the breath of mothers. The benefits of breastmilk outweigh the harms of the nicotine in milk.

So sorry to hear about your sis. you sound like I would...worried, but horrified about how this could have happened.

I was amazed by how many pg women were smoking outside the maternity entrance when I was in for ages antenatally. It really pissed me off as the smoke wafted through to NICU and the labour wards, despite signs being up about this.

There was one (really sweet, but totally stinking of smoke) lady there who had a 22 week old baby in NICU. She was so brave about it but part of me really felt for her but amazed that her and her DH just kept fagging away around other PG women trying to get fresh air outside in the seating area!

2 weeks early is not classed as prem as far i know? not a lot i admit, but thought anything from 38 weeks was classed as term?
dd2 spent a long time in special care and i've never smoked in my life (she wasn't prem either)
the list that firepile provided does not include problems breathing at birth. it sounds very much as though the dn had a brief hypoxic interlude probably caused by pressure on the cord etc, not a thing to do with smoking. it is understandable to lash out in anger and distress, and i don't like women smoking whilst pregnant (have been known to point out the dangers at the time), however, i really don't like it when mothers are blamed for babies needing special care. tactless at best.

i really hope your dn makes a good recovery, OP, but your thread title left a lot to be desired. all the best to your sister and her dd.

my prem dd was only one nigth in SCBU but i must say i was massively shocked at the fact that the women who spent so much time there made up the majority of the mums smoking at the door of the hospital. tbvh, they fucking stank out the wee rooms that the babies were in and i was disgusted.

so... yanbu in needing to vent, not at all. the fact that your sister went for a fag afterwards and expects to smoke around the child (who HAS breathing problems, that can't be denied, although no-one can say the reason) is utterly crappy imo. but you're not going to tell her that, you're just mouthing off on MN which is exactly the place to keep it.

congratulations, by the way.

2 weeks isn't classed as prem.

Some babies are fine at 2 weeks early, some need some help.

I'm very antismoking, and I can understand how you feel, but I don't think now is the right time tohave a go at your sister, well done for keeping everything under control.

And she is far more likley to quit smoking if she is given gentle support than anything else. You can do most good when the initaial stress is over

I hope the baby does well and is home safe asap

I don't think i could be more against smoking during pregnancy. BUT I do think that you should be concentrating on supporting your sister through what must be a terrible time instead of judging her on something that may or may not be relevant.

Only read OP but YABU

I gave up smoking when pregnant, but my baby still ended up in SCBU for other reasons.

Your sister isn't being punished for smoking, although you are right, it is a selfish thing to do IMO. But she needs support right now, not misplaced anger and criticsm.

Think of the poor baby-she's the only one that counts right now.

Who on earth would deliberately put their unborn child at increased risk of birth complications, miscarriage, stillbirth and genetic abnormality?

Anyone who has a baby in their late 30's or 40's, myself included.

I quite understand your need to vent OP, btw. Hope everything works out

so.

should the sis give up smoking now? cos her dd has breathing difficulties?

I don't think YABU. Whether or not you smoke we all know the risk in smoking.

I sometimes think some people don't want to think about the risk. When dd1 was at a preschool last one of the mums used to bring their dc to school while pushing the younger child in a buggy attached to oxygen while she and her freinds would all be smoking around him.

YANBU. I don't think you are judging or slagging off your sister. you're worried about your niece and venting off your (justified) feelings about it here. fair dos.
hope the baby is OK. I'm v anti smoking in pg or round young children, partly because it was done to me and I have very damaged lungs and a chronic condition. It may not always cause problems but is that an excuse for doing it?