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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another 'we want money as a wedding gift' thread - but what did you actually do?

107 replies

mamhaf · 28/09/2008 16:42

We've been invited to the wedding of the daughter of very dear friends, who've been very kind to our dds over the years.

I've always agreed with posters on mn who feel it's a bit tacky for the wedding couple to ask for money as a present - and this is the case with this wedding - it's the groom's second marriage, their house is full.

They're saving for a deposit on their own home and have therefore asked for money and said there is no wedding list as a consequence.

Judging by previous postings on AIBU, it's clearly a growing trend...and one in my old-fogeyish ways I don't like!

One of the problems with money is judging how much to give, and I'd rather present them with something like an original painting (doesn't take up much room and might appreciate in value) or champagne.

If you've been faced with a similar scenario, what did you do? And if you gave money, how much did you give?

Thanks!

OP posts:
daftpunk · 28/09/2008 16:46

i don't like the idea of giving money (tacky)

but if that's all they want and they're very good friends...i'd give them £100.

snigger · 28/09/2008 16:46

Buy them premium bonds, fifty quids worth?

Kind of like a gift voucher, that way?

I must admit, we gave people the option at our wedding - we were desperately skint and I don't 'do' wedding lists as I felt bad stipulating what people should buy - as it was only family at our wedding, we just said anything white, kitchen gear, or money would be joyously received, and we got a mixture.

pigleto · 28/09/2008 16:50

I give £50 if we are going to the wedding or £20 otherwise. I think it is tacky but I am willing to just hand over some notes in a card if that is what they have asked for. I think I would give less money for a second marriage (as you say they are not just starting out and have their house all set up already), but the situation hasn't come up.

pigleto · 28/09/2008 16:51

you can't buy premium bonds unless you are their parent or grandparent.

Original poster
mamhaf · 28/09/2008 16:54

I feel a bit sad about not giving a physical gift they can keep.

We've been married over 20 years, and only this morning were remarking on what a great present the Le Creuset saucepans were - it was from my grandmother who's now very elderly and despite the abuse we've given them - shoving them in the dishwasher and not oiling the wooden handles - they're still going strong and used every day.

And there's a beautiful crystal rose bowl from my grandad that I take great delight in filling with flowers for special occasions - it's lovely to have such things with such great memories.

OP posts:
NotCod · 28/09/2008 16:56

oh swallow your ideas and give em some money

the more you agonsie over it the more itme you waste when you oculd be doidn somthing more ntersting

falcon · 28/09/2008 16:58

I'd get them a gift. It's rude to ask for money,actually it;'s rude to demand anything though obviously gifts are generally given.

lizandlulu · 28/09/2008 16:59

we went to the wedding of a friend of dh, they were once close but not so much now. i decided to give them £30.

it didnt seem enough to give £20 and far too much to give £50.

Bubbaloo · 28/09/2008 17:01

I think the minimum amount for buying bonds is £100.
I'm also not keen on giving money but our friend got married last week and we gave £100 and bought them a personalised keepsake plate.

Helga80 · 28/09/2008 17:02

Please give them the money.

I got married beginning of this year and to be honest we would have really have liked to ask for money as we desperately need to re-do our leaking bathroom but people have such fised views on it that we ended up having a wedding list and getting things we didn't really need.

I can see what you are saying about a gift they can keep but this only works if you and they have very similar tastes.

Painting are very personal things and as selfish as it sounds I wouldn't want to have something I didn't like hanging in my house just because someone else wanted to buy it for me (IYSWIM). Also DH and I both hate champagne and ended up giving away the 3 bottles we were given as it would have been wasted.

You are obviously a very semtimental person (no bad thing ) but please give them money or even something like the premium bonds mentioned earlier. Depending on your circumstances I would probably aim for £50 - £100 for someone close to me.

Chequers · 28/09/2008 17:03

£50 if good friends, £25 if not.

Never occurred to me to get all bent out of shape over them asking for money, can't see the problem with it myself.

Original poster
mamhaf · 28/09/2008 17:15

I suspect it's a generational thing - straw poll:

If you're under 30 -
a. it's perfectly reasonable to ask for money
b. it's tacky

If you're over 40
a it's reasonable
b it's tacky

OP posts:
falcon · 28/09/2008 17:16

I'm 24 and think it's tacky.

Actually I'm not too fond of wedding lists either.

BouncingTurtle · 28/09/2008 17:18

Nope don't see anything wrong with it myself.

When Dh and I got married we put a note in our card to say that that we didn't want people to feel obliged to buy us a present, but if they really wanted we would be grateful for some Argos vouchers (this was pre us discovering Ikea!) as we needed to get some more furniture - we didn't have a great deal just what I had.
We got from £10 up to £100 and we were grateful for every penny.
We had one person give us a personal gift, a Rolling Stones CD, lovely except neither Dh or I particularly like the Stones lol.
Just give what you think you can afford.

GYo · 28/09/2008 17:19

Why is giving money tacky? what element makes it tacky? I really dont get it.

The couple have probably spent a shed load of money paying for wedding etc. IF the guests wish to spend money on a gift then why not give money. Makes no difference to guest and might make massive diff to couple.

ethanchristopher · 28/09/2008 17:20

it may be tacky but if they are trying to save for their own place than this is fair!!

i dont no how much to give them tbh but i would respect their wishes, they may sell something you give them anyway

Twelvelegs · 28/09/2008 17:22

It depends how much money you have.

oldwomanwholivedinashoe · 28/09/2008 17:22

Id give money if they want it but only £20. If I bought a gift I'd probably spend more on something nice but money is a standard £20.

Original poster
mamhaf · 28/09/2008 17:22

I don't think giving money is tacky, asking for it is - but I do think my views are probably a bit old-fashioned as it seems to be a growing trend.

OP posts:
falcon · 28/09/2008 17:24

Giving money is fine, asking for it is not.

TheConfusedOne · 28/09/2008 17:25

I was 41 when we got married and we asked for money, most of my friends have done the same as did DS and DDIL, here it is very much the norm, but then most have there own homes and a lot are on second or third marriages.

Flamesparrow · 28/09/2008 17:28

Give them the money.

They have asked for it because they need it.

If you are desperately close then beg to be allowed to buy something (DSis did), otherwise just be a friend and get what THEY want and need. This isn't about you.

BitOfFun · 28/09/2008 17:30

I know what you mean about wanting a physical gift for them, but if they are saving for a home, well, you cant get more physical than that. As they are good friends, I would do as they have asked.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2008 17:31

when you don't give your guests the option of giving anything else, then it's a demand.

and i'm sorry, but i think it's even tackier if you've been married before, have kids together, lived together for years and have a house full. i've been married myself twice before so we went and had a registry wedding.

the idea, 'oh, we have everything we need so give us money'. if you have everything you need, then you don't need a gift at all. say so in your invite.

you're supposed to be asking people to attend to celebrate your marriage, not pay for a deposit on a house for you, pay your debts of the like - which is nothing but tacky becuase it's using your wedding as a money-making venture.

i'd give them champagne and a card.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2008 17:32

no one needs to buy a house.

everyone needs shelter, but there's no need for it to be owned.

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