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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another 'we want money as a wedding gift' thread - but what did you actually do?

107 replies

mamhaf · 28/09/2008 16:42

We've been invited to the wedding of the daughter of very dear friends, who've been very kind to our dds over the years.

I've always agreed with posters on mn who feel it's a bit tacky for the wedding couple to ask for money as a present - and this is the case with this wedding - it's the groom's second marriage, their house is full.

They're saving for a deposit on their own home and have therefore asked for money and said there is no wedding list as a consequence.

Judging by previous postings on AIBU, it's clearly a growing trend...and one in my old-fogeyish ways I don't like!

One of the problems with money is judging how much to give, and I'd rather present them with something like an original painting (doesn't take up much room and might appreciate in value) or champagne.

If you've been faced with a similar scenario, what did you do? And if you gave money, how much did you give?

Thanks!

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 28/09/2008 20:03

'It's selfish for you to prioritise your notion of what maketh a wedding gift on a day which is all about them. '

It's just as selfish and tacky to demand that guests hand over money, giving them no other option, or use asking them to attend celebrating a wedding as a money-making endeavour.

Why not just charge an entrance fee? That would be more honest.

Give 100 quid. Oh, yes, that's a nice round number.

Better yet, take the hundred quid and go and treat yourself and your spouse to a meal in a good restaurant, OP, the food will probably be better than at a wedding, and at least the restaurant is honest enough to call itself what it is - a money-making endeavour where guests are expected to pay a fee to be fed and watered.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2008 20:04

And if you really want a day to be all about you, please, don't subject others to it unless you're 5-years-old and it's your birthday party.

Adulthood is no place for 'it's all about me and MY day'.

jollydiane · 28/09/2008 20:05

I love weddings. One wedding the couple asked for a donation to a charity which was close to their heart, another one asked for money for a honeymoon, and another had a list at John Lewis. The couple are feeding you giving you a drink and giving you a lovely day out. I would try to make them happy and give them what they have asked for. Hope you enjoy the day. Give what you want and don't worry about it.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2008 20:09

'The couple are feeding you giving you a drink and giving you a lovely day out.'

I thought it was about wanting people around them to celebrate their wedding, not putting on a concert/music festival/entertainment day.

If so, why not just charge for tickets?

As that how people really see their wedding these days? As them doing a guest a favour by 'giving' them a lovely day out, so it's their right to demand an entrance fee?

How very bridezilla bizarre.

falcon · 28/09/2008 20:12

A lovely day out? Feeding you?

It costs a bloody fortune to be there, for clothing,parking, a gift,often childcare,drinks etc.And very likely having to sit through a service.
They're hardly doing their guests a favour by inviting them.

platypussy · 28/09/2008 20:18

Falcon - I thought I was alone in my dislike of weddings! Last one cost us hundreds (clothes, shoes, gift, petrol, 2 nights b and b). All the faff, standing in the cold and waiting around for photographers and then the worst bit.....the evening'do!

jollydiane · 28/09/2008 20:18

Fair enough I respect your views. Personally I love to me with my family and friends. I don't think I have been to a wedding I didn't enjoy. I love to watch to people showing how much they love each other. What's life about unless you enjoy it.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2008 20:19

'What's life about unless you enjoy it.'

Oh, I enjoy it all right. I just don't see where demanding out money out of a guest I invite to something is part of the equation.

jojosmaman · 28/09/2008 20:23

I am not a fan of the "we have everything we want so just give us money" requests either but I think in this case, a sum of money (£50) plus a couple of nice bottles of quality wine (not Champangne, its rarely drunk and in our house, only ever re-gifted!)would be suffice

FairLadyRantALot · 28/09/2008 20:23

personally I have never understood this whole big wedding thing and all that, because well, it all just costs a lot of money, for all parties, lol....which is why we had a small ceremony, and gosh I am glad about that....however, I also respect that others want there wedding to be just so, and I suppose that goes in line wiht presesnts...
I personally dislike weddinglists, I must admit....to me, being german possibly, they are tacky, but in Germany it is normal to give money decorating a plant or other things..but plants, as I suggested abpove, seem to be a very common gesture...
I know of plenty of artsy people who really outdo themselfs getting it to look just so....nothing tacky about it!
Tacky is handing over a note in a card...maybe...however, if the couple wishes for it, what i the issue....I mena, gosh, not everyone like stupid ornaments and silver andd crystal and crap like that....

giddly · 28/09/2008 20:26

When we got married we said no gifts as we were older, solvent and had everything you could reasonably need (we put it more tactfully than that!). Also some people were coming a long way and spending a lot of money to be there.

We were hounded for a list. We put together a pathetic one of things we actually needed (very little, and mostly aimed at elderly close relatives who seemed genuinely upset about not giving us something), and suggested otherwise donations to our favourite charity.
Only one person took up the charity suggestion.
Otherwise we got gift vouchers, everything off the list and a large number of things not on the list.
People aren't prepared to just not give / give to charity in my experience.

falcon · 28/09/2008 20:27

I have enjoyed weddings, but generally I'm with Platypussy. I'm naturally anti-social I guess.

I hate going to pubs and clubs or parties, dining out, the theatre, cinema a day to a museum or similar are all fine by me.

differentID · 28/09/2008 20:31

We didn't have a wedding list and neither did we ask/ expect anything from our guests- many of whom travelled from Ireland north of England. What people chose to give was up to them and when they asked us why we hadn't had a list we replied that we wanted our friends and family to be with us on our special day to see us commit to each other, that was what was important to us both.
Everyone was very generous and no one felt under obligation to give anything.

Flamesparrow · 28/09/2008 20:33

I didn't demand anything! We said that we had NO SPACE for gifts, and that if people desperately wanted to feel they were giving something then we would rather the money so we could afford a honeymoon. No-one was held at gun point. Some gave money, some didn't, we had 3 actual physical gifts (or sets of gifts), all of those had meaning to them.

I have found out this week that an old friend is getting married. Current friend is one of the best men.

The wedding is abroad. He must buy a suit to match the other best man. He is organising a stag weekend (or a big do one or the other) which involves paying for himself and part share of the groom, he must pay to get abroad and stay. He has now been informed that instead of arriving early wedding morning & leaving next day, his presence is necessary THREE DAYS either side, making it a full holiday he must shell out for.

Now that is unreasonable and bride/groomzilla.

Bet asking for a dirty fiver in a card seems much more acceptable now

expatinscotland · 28/09/2008 20:34

No one said you demanded anything, Flame, but the OP's couple certainly did.

Flamesparrow · 28/09/2008 20:35

Sorry - I get touchy about these threads, I should probably hide them as soon as I see the title

mytetherisending · 28/09/2008 20:35

YABU- especially in the current climate where property prices are at a premium compared to salary. If money will help them in their married life, like any present for first time marriages, I can't see the problem. I would rather give a gift that will be appreciated and if money is what they need to buy another house then whats wrong with that?

CatMandu · 28/09/2008 20:37

When dh and I got married (2nd time for us both) we didn't have a wedding list and nobody asked. We thought that as we'd both had the big white wedding first time around that it was wrong to expect anything other than the company of good friends. Some people did give us presents, not all and the ones we got were mostly very personal like a photo album with polaroids taken on the day signed by each guest.

Tacky, tacky. tacky to expect anything.

StarlightMcKenzie · 28/09/2008 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

falcon · 28/09/2008 20:43

Yes.

CatMandu · 28/09/2008 20:43

Yes, me.

platypussy · 28/09/2008 20:45

Sorry - but yes.

FairLadyRantALot · 28/09/2008 20:45

now cat, that I can totally agree with....
you should not expect anything in retyurn it should be about people being there and if they want to give something, so be it...
I think thst is why I am not keen on wedding lists, lol

expatinscotland · 28/09/2008 20:46

Sorry, but yes, I do find it tacky.

I think if you can't afford something, you don't have it rather than ask a guest to fund it.

Sorry if some find that offensive. Just how I feel.

FairLadyRantALot · 28/09/2008 20:50

but expat...if people have a weddinglist they obviously expect xyandz.....people asking for money aren't really interested in how much they receive...they possibly don't want b10 identical toasters...lol