Another 'we want money as a wedding gift' thread - but what did you actually do?

[mamhaf]

We've been invited to the wedding of the daughter of very dear friends, who've been very kind to our dds over the years.

I've always agreed with posters on mn who feel it's a bit tacky for the wedding couple to ask for money as a present - and this is the case with this wedding - it's the groom's second marriage, their house is full.

They're saving for a deposit on their own home and have therefore asked for money and said there is no wedding list as a consequence.

Judging by previous postings on AIBU, it's clearly a growing trend...and one in my old-fogeyish ways I don't like!

One of the problems with money is judging how much to give, and I'd rather present them with something like an original painting (doesn't take up much room and might appreciate in value) or champagne.

If you've been faced with a similar scenario, what did you do? And if you gave money, how much did you give?

Thanks!

also, historically wedding gifts wetre given to set up house...but that kind od doesn't work that way anymore...not because they have everything, but they may want a particular model...

but a weddinglist expects people to spend whatever amount, if you give money they can buy what they need and want

oh, yes, FairLady, because guests are so stupid, all they'll do is buy you a toaster or a kettle.

It depends for me on the situation. When my cousin got married, they asked for vouchers or money towards things for when they buy their own property one day - to me, that's honest and understandable. They're quite young and have only left uni a few years so are still making their way.

If it's an 'established' person with a house/stuff already and a list/request for money comes out for a wedding then I tend (rightly or wrongly) to take a sniffy view of it, construing it as a tad greedy. After all, they've been eating off something and sleeping on something prior to being married, so why do they need Egyptian cotton sheets or posh crockery afterwards? . But I hate the idea of wedding lists anyway.

I don't give money. Think it's tacky. Would happily donate to charity if they have everything they want already. But will not finance their lifestyle. Friends have just invited us to their wedding. No wedding list, just asking for our company. If we wish to give something then lovely, but no demands.

lol...oh come on you know what I mean...

tbh, we received mostly money from my germa relations, his parents was a money gift, I suppose, as the pretty much paid for the wedding, and of other relatives we got presents that we loved or hated as such, ol...but we did really appreciate it all...

dh was in th army, I was living in nurses accomodations so we had to set up house...but we still wanted some bits to be what we like....thank god for mny german relatives ;) who would hate to give an unwanted present

Wow! I've been out for a few hours and the number of posts here doubled in that time.

It's clearly a very controversial subject.

I like the idea of pinning notes to a pot plant - the wedding is just before Christmas and we could get something suitably Christmassy - our dds would enjoy putting that together.

I don't hold with the argument though that other cultures pin money to the bride's dress so it's ok - I still don't think it's ok, but I wouldn't want to do anything to offend or upset the bride's parents who are hosting the wedding, nor the bride whom we've known since she was tiny. (We've only met the groom briefly but of course wouldn't want to upset him either.)

I might just ask the bride's parents if there's anything they might want or need because it feels a bit strange giving money rather than a present, but if the answer's no, money it will be - I'll see what dh says, but I think about £50 would be about right for us - that's approximately what we'd spend on a present.

oh christmassy...that will be great...fold the notes into stars and other decoration....perfect timing....

oh christmassy...that will be great...fold the notes into stars and other decoration....perfect timing....

I think that's really lovely StarlightMcKenzie. The personalised thank you cards were a lovely touch. I think it's a much nicer idea than imposing your tastes on someone by buying them ornaments etc. that will be thrown/given away. What's so wrong with giving people what they've asked for? I'd much rather buy something from a wedding list or give cash than spend my money on something that's going straight to a charity shop once they're back from honeymoon.

Good idea - perhaps a tiny Christmas tree with a mixture of decorations with money inside - I'm thinking now if I can create something to hold £1 or £2 coins so they'd look like decorations.

if you like, I wil ask one of my aunts who is super creative with this..in germany you can by craftbooks for these sort of things, lol

That would be lovely FairLady, yes please! I'll keep an eye on this thread.

my e-mail is
realjolie @ yahoo . de
if you email me on that I will pass ANY CREATIVE IDEAS OVER TO YOU... oops caps

I wonder if all those of you in the horsehair tampon/miserable bastard team are this moany about birthdays? Do you insist on buying birthday presents that suit your taste? Are you offended if, when you ask people what they want for their birthday they say 'money/vouchers'? And what none of the moaners seem to deal with is the fact that quite a lot of people want to give gifts at a wedding and want to know what the couple would like, so what are the couple supposed to do when asked repeatedly to choose what they would like, when the only honest answer is 'money'?

I've given money in the currency of the couple's honeymoon destination.

generally, when it's a birthday, you have a much closer relationship with the person in question than you do with a couple whose wedding you're attending.

i only exchange birthday pressies with people whose tastes i know pretty well and give them a gift accordingly, as they do for me.

birthdays don't generally involve travelling long distances to celebrate them in another location, hotels/B&Bs, buying a whole new set of clothes, stag/hen do's, church services, etc.

really expat..tbh, the only weddings I have attended are those of my close relative, his close relatives or a combination of close friends...I would not dream attending a wedding wher I don't know th couple, tbh...possibly nore rude of me then anything else..lol

Uh, I find this to be in ghastly taste. I'm with you, I like to give gifts. I don't like wedding lists either. My husband and I stipulated no gifts, but suggested a small donation to a charity in memory of my mother if guests felt moved to do so. I just hate the whole 'Im getting married so let's get the gift/cash gravy train going' thing.

Only once have I been invited to a wedding where cash was asked for,complete with the happy couple's bank details

I gave them Jaspar Conran wine glasses, 8 of them. I reckon you always need beautiful wine glasses.

It really doesn't put me up or down- I actually find it a bit of a relief if a couple say they would prefer money, as I HATE trying to choose a wedding present for someone I often don't know that well. I thank God they have saved me the trauma of trying to negotiate 3 under-5s round a shop filled with displays of crystal and expensive ornaments. I pop an amount of money in the envelope and tis done! Do other people actually ENJOY trying to find a present that will somehow be "meaningful" to the couple? I'd rather they had something like a honeymoon (I liked your idea, Starlight, of the personalised thank-yous, that was lovely) that they wouldn't have otherwise afforded. If you think about it, it's just like everyone at the wedding grouping together to buy one big present. that you don't have to shop for.

I don't see a problem with it all.
I got married the old fashioned way where we didn't live together and were both renting our own places so we loved receiving gifts as we needed everything when we moved in together (we had some horrendous gifts too - a musical revolving ornamental piano is one that comes to mind )
Its not like that anymore and, for most people, money would be the most useful gift.

I think its lovely that it could go towards a honeymoon or a deposit on a house. What's a nicer gift than that?

I think it's clear some posters have been invited to a lot of weddings where they don't feel that close to the couple, or they've had to put their hands deep in their pockets to even make it to the wedding. That's the subject of another thread, and something I do think is selfish. But if a good friend or relative has asked for money, i'd give it with a happy heart.

Solidgoldbrass - I'm with you - I'd like to think if I was going to someone's wedding I wouldn't be doing it with a bitter heart, bitching about how bloody inconvenient or outrageous the whole thing was. The idea that people get wed as a money making venture is obscene - I'm sorry to anyone who felt compelled to go to a wedding where they honestly felt the couple had that on their agenda. If you feel that way - don't go at all. And I can't remember any wedding where there was a "demand" for a gift. Where does it say it's compulsory?

Perhaps I'm naive - I didn't invite anyone to my wedding who I thought would begrudge it, and no one but family had to pay to stay away from home, and the choice was charity donation, wedding list or honeymoon contribution. So no Starlight - I don't think you are tacky, and I'm sure the friends and family that love you didn't think you were either.

Who cares what this bunch of sourpusses think!

its a funny old game, all this wedding malarkey, innit.

ive only been to 3 weddings in my whole life, all 3 fo them aunts, and i was too young to buy a gift for the first two. cant remember what i did for the latest tbh...oh yes i can! i was relieved to find there was a list and i got something off that.

money really does get peoples knickers in a twist sometimes doesnt it.

im never getting married. whata crock.