Another 'we want money as a wedding gift' thread - but what did you actually do?

[mamhaf]

We've been invited to the wedding of the daughter of very dear friends, who've been very kind to our dds over the years.

I've always agreed with posters on mn who feel it's a bit tacky for the wedding couple to ask for money as a present - and this is the case with this wedding - it's the groom's second marriage, their house is full.

They're saving for a deposit on their own home and have therefore asked for money and said there is no wedding list as a consequence.

Judging by previous postings on AIBU, it's clearly a growing trend...and one in my old-fogeyish ways I don't like!

One of the problems with money is judging how much to give, and I'd rather present them with something like an original painting (doesn't take up much room and might appreciate in value) or champagne.

If you've been faced with a similar scenario, what did you do? And if you gave money, how much did you give?

Thanks!

Or you could donate money on their behalf to a local hospice or something.

I'd go with champagne and a card too.

I never give money if asked too, feels like paying to go to the event rather than the couple wanting you to be part of the celebrations.

wouldn't give any art - that's too personal

Champagne and a card for me too.
I don't like giving money as a gift unless it's someone VERY close, mainly because it tells them exactly how much I've spent and I never know how much is appropriate. Ditto gift vouchers.
Even if they need the money, it's not up to their wedding guests to pay for a deposit on their house. If they are that hard up, then they shouldn't be having a big wedding.
There is, however, nothing wrong with couples Ebaying unwanted gifts and pocketing the profits. It's a giver's prerogrative to choose the gift, but the receiver's choice what to do with it afterwards.

I am thinking of asking people to give us money when dp and i get married, we have been living togather for 6yrs and our house is full, we don't need or want anything really and i know any ornat vases/photo frames ect would end up dusty in the loft or on a shelf.

It's thier day if they want money get the money and as to how much, just give how ever much you can afford and feel comfortable giving.

I personally don't think giving money is tacky but I prefer to buy a present.If they have everything,then I would give them money.
We recently moved house and discovered 4 bottles of champayne which were wedding presents(12 years ago) and a bit of a waste for us.Not everyone likes a drink.

I still dont like giving cool hard cash - but dont object to vouchers for a shop or something

guess around the £50 mark

We got married last year and as we had to pay for the wedding and honeymoon ourself we asked any guests who wanted to give a gift to contribute to the honeymoon. Without this we would not have been able to afford a honeymoon. Much better than towels and toasters in my opinion; I really don't understand why people get upset about it.

we asked for gift vouchers for three named shops but the oldies still gave us gifts anyway, not of which we actually used or displayed... crystal glasses, silver cuplets and the like. Nice of them but a waste of their money.

Oh I wouldn't have turned down a bottle of champagne.

One friend gave use themed gifts - the gift of finance (a cheque ), the gift of love - a rose quartz candle holder, and the gift of laugher - Team America on dvd.

A really random selection but something I will never forget

BF got married last year. She and Hubby are very well heeled, no kids and have everything they need. They asked for cash.

I'm on a tight budget and as I didn't feel I was able to contribute a significant sum I bought a coffee table book by the artist Govinder as BF likes his work and a framed card by same artist.

She loved them and I felt it meant more than a cheque towards the honeymoon

I don't see the problem with asking for cash. DH and I asked for vouchers or a donation to a specified charity. ILs still bought us horrendous crystal tat. MIL spent 20 years trying to kill of the wedding present from her own MIL!

Ebay the tat, pocket the cash and be done with it. If you're lucky, an artist or craftsperson will buy it and smash it up to use as materials.

Bung 'em 20 quid in a card. We've never really had this problem as I can't think of any weddings I've attended where the happy couple have requested money. We've contributed money with my mum and dad for a family wedding once but that was the only money gift.

I have to say, I DO think it's a bit cheeky, when dh and I got married we decided on a no gifts policy, simply because we'd both been married before and there was nothing we really needed as we lived together for 5 years beforehand.

I would have despaired about giving wine/champagne because I don't drink either and never had and been quite forthcoming about saying I don't like it when I have been offered a glass.
Yet I still have close friends buy me bottles of wine for my birthday and other occasions - I think they should know me enough by to know that I would not drink it so why do they buy it for me??
I really do think gift giving is a bit of a two edged sword, yes you should be grateful for people giving you a present and not expect one, but the giver should at least put a bit of effort into picking something that the receiver might like or use, and not something they themselves would like!

Sorry I think I might have gone off on a bit of a tangent there

expat, what's wrong with wanting to own a house??????

did i say anything was, twelve?

erm, no.

i said no one needs to and certainly it is tacky to demand of your guests at a wedding that they a) provide a gift at all b) pay for a deposit on a house.

I'd give them the money if that's what they want. DHs brother & his fiancee asked for money when they got married as they were moving abroad soon after the wedding and couldn't take much with them. Why give them the hassle of having to sell/giveaway unwanted presents? If you really want to give them 'something' them maybe a nice hamper of food/drink they like with the cheque/money inside it?

it is what happens where i grew up cash only in cards at the moment it works well most peole are marrying now have houses etc and the cash comes in handy

my sis did tell me of some one who put on the invitation a minimum amount acceptable!!!!!!!!1

I would never give money, except as a donation to charity.

If you don't need anything, don't ask for anything. If you desperately need money, don't have a wedding.

I suspect that my opinions on this matter are quite extreme and I can't really explain why I feel so strongly but I do.

Times have changed. I find it more offensive that you might spend 100 quid on a painting or something you have no idea whether they would appreciate. What if they hate it? There's nothing more tacky than money flushed down the loo because of some misplaced notion of what it classy or not. The point it this - these is your good friends DD. A couple who have been kind to your own children over the years. It's their wedding day - you want to make them happy - given them what they want! I can assure you, if they are strapped for cash and are saving for something as fundamental as a roof over their heads, they will look at your bottle of champagne and just feel sad that you couldn't convert it into the cash they so needed - I'm just being honest with you.

The question is, are you buying a present for them, or for you? Giving is about wanting to, from your heart, make the other person happy. If you begrudge giving what would make them happy, then you'd be more honest not giving them anything - it's not about you! If you have to put conditions on what you want to give, you obviously don't have a lot of love for the couple, so be honest and just don't give anything.

I don't see what the big deal with money is. Lot's of cultures have a very joyful tradition of pinning money to the bride and groom. Their is no embarrassment, or clutching of handbags, sucking of lemon lips "ooo, so TACKY". They just have a right laugh, and from their hearts, want to send the couple into a future with the best start possible.

If you can afford it, give 100 quid. It's a nice round number. It's like properly, "Wow", that's so generous. And you will be forever immortalized in the bricks and mortar that they make their happy life together in. What could be better?

Point is, it's not the 1950
s. A house costs more money than can even be made sense of these days. You can buy a flipping microwave for about as much as a loaf of bread. (well, not really but you see my point). So of course the priorities of a newly married couple are different. The point is to give them the best start in life - and a contribution to a house deposit seems as good an idea as any. It's selfish for you to prioritise your notion of what maketh a wedding gift on a day which is all about them.

We didn't ask for money at our wedding, we asked for no gifts at all (We had tiny little flat with no space for anything else whatseover and had already everything we needed) but we noticed that most people felt very uncomfortable to come to the wedding without giving anything to us, so finally a friend suggested to make a "honeymoon fund" the details of that account were only handed to those who were too insistant on the giving something issue but we specified we would preffer if they didn't give anything as the important thing was for them to be there in our special day. I supose they gave what they would have spent in presents.

look, buy a nice houseplant and a nice pot or it and than fold up some papermoney to look like butterflys and fix onto the plant....then you don't just give money....feels more personal then just handing over a card with money...you can also buy a few bits in a craftshop to add...

'It's selfish for you to prioritise your notion of what maketh a wedding gift on a day which is all about them. '

It's just as selfish and tacky to demand that guests hand over money, giving them no other option, or use asking them to attend celebrating a wedding as a money-making endeavour.

Why not just charge an entrance fee? That would be more honest.

Give 100 quid. Oh, yes, that's a nice round number.

Better yet, take the hundred quid and go and treat yourself and your spouse to a meal in a good restaurant, OP, the food will probably be better than at a wedding, and at least the restaurant is honest enough to call itself what it is - a money-making endeavour where guests are expected to pay a fee to be fed and watered.