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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to love my mum as much as I do? Not a flippant question btw, am genuinely worried!

WhatsupDoc · 2008-09-25T19:35:08+00:00

I have always been very close to my mum (I'm eldest of 3) but since having DC and she has moved to opposite end of the country to be closer to us and see her grandchildren grow up we have got much closer. I talk to her every day and visit at least twice a week (15 min drive) We get on brilliantly, she is my best friend. She likes her own space though, and frequently kicks me out as I would spend all my spare time there (currently on mat leave with DD2) I have started to wonder whether I am actually too close to her. She's the first person I turn to when upset, happy.. the one I discuss difficult decisions with etc. I also realise that a large part of the problem is I don't have a brilliant relationship with DP - it's ok, but we are very different people and don't communicate well at all. Whereas my mum and I have the same sense of humour and laugh all the time. She's only in her 50's, but does smoke, and it really worries me to think I'm going to be without her one day. Is this normal behaviour or bordering on the strange? I've started telling myself I should spend less time with her because my priority should be my DP not my mum. I sound totally weird, don't I? Please someone else tell me this is normal??

105 replies

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 20:35

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 20:39

Just to give you an example, I want to move from this part of the world (DP's home) and move back down south - my mum also hasn't settled in the North - my DP just shrugs his shoulders and isn't bothered. So I discuss with my mum how/where/when to move all the time (where she could get work etc.) rather than with DP, as he doesn't have an opinion about anything

My mum points out that I should be basing life-changing decisions on our family not her. I know she's right, really.

OP posts:

Slouchy · 25/09/2008 20:41

I don't know if this is weird (although it is a shame you don't feel great about your dp at the mo) but I envy you. I am sure me and my mum would have been just like this, except she died 10 years ago so never saw me become a mum myself.

I say you are lucky, enjoy it.

chapstickchick · 25/09/2008 20:43

I dont have my mum .
But im guessing your mum is your familiarity and thats where you feel you 'belong' maybe you should be working more on your relationship with your partner?

your mum sounds fab .

chapstickchick · 25/09/2008 20:44

im crap at advising you cos im envious

susia · 25/09/2008 20:44

I have as close a relationship with my mum too and it really saddens me that she is now 71 and in really poor health.

TheHedgeWitch · 25/09/2008 20:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Flocci · 25/09/2008 20:46

It's not weird at all - I have grown much closer to my mum since I had kids, and I am really happy about that. I wish she lived closer so i could spend more time with her too.

Why should it be a bad thing just because it is your mum? Many people have a best friend who they are like this with, and that's not strange.

I suspect what is making you feel funny isn't that you are so close to her, it is that you aren't closer to your DP - something I also understand. It makes me sad that when the kids do something new or funny i ring mum instead of dh at work because I know it will mean more to her rather than dh who is so self-centred.

I don't think you are odd at all, just very lucky to have your mum. I just sympathise over the dp situation!

Moski · 25/09/2008 20:47

As others have said, you are not weird-- you are lucky. But get your mom to quit smoking (not easy, I know). Both of you will feel better. And moms are different from DPs. It's good to have a relationship with both.

Ewe · 25/09/2008 20:48

YANBU - me and my Mum are the same, I sleepover about once a week just because I love being in her house. We speak several times a day and I love her more than I can even explain.

AnathemaDevice · 25/09/2008 20:48

I don't think it's weird, I'd go and see my mum every day if she lived closer. I go on holiday with her and she's come to Glastonbury with us twice. We're already planning next year's holiday, just me, her and the baby (due in March), no mention of DH or my dad! It's not that DH isn't wonderful, but my mum knows me better than anyone, and sometimes I'd rather spend time with her than with anyone else.
Like you say, parents won't be around forever, make the most of her while you can.

georgimama · 25/09/2008 20:49

Not weird, my mum and I are very close (although I do have a great relationship with DH).

pgwithnumber3 · 25/09/2008 20:50

YANBU - you are lucky! I too have a similar relationship with my mum, we can talk all day. I am her only daughter (2 brothers though) and it is wonderful to have someone who unconditionally loves you as your best friend. I too dread the day I am without her.

mrsruffallo · 25/09/2008 20:52

YABU
I think it is very wierd
Haven't you got any friends?

Original poster

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 20:52

I am moved by the posts from those who have lost or have poorly mums. I am sorry to stir up those feelings for you

Flocci & Chapstickchick - you are right. My relationship with DP just isn't what it should be, raising two beautiful girls and building a loving home together. Too much tension and not enough love, two very different people and personalities, I'm not sure what can be done about that.

Flocci how do you cope with it? I too would ring my mum before DP in that situation, and that makes me sad for my relationship.

Actually, I'm not sure that spending less time away from my mum would strengthen my relationship with DP, so maybe I have answered my own question

OP posts:

hecate · 25/09/2008 20:53

I think that the problem is not your relationship with your mother, but your relationship with your husband. I think that's where you need to be looking. It's lovely to be close to your mother, of course it is, but at this stage in your life, your family is your husband and kids yet you seem to have reverted to your mum as your family, maybe because you are not getting what you need from your husband?

georgimama · 25/09/2008 20:54

do you mean weird mrsruffallo? How sad. A mother/daughter relationship is one of the most precious things.

Original poster

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 20:55

mrsruffallo yes, lots

But no-one beats my mum

OP posts:

mrsruffallo · 25/09/2008 20:57

Why sad?
I didn't say she not have contact with her mum, but I think a mum as a best friend is weird.
And thanks for correcting my spelling [yawn]

georgimama · 25/09/2008 20:58

No friend is going to love you or care about you like your mum, if you have a decent one. That's all.

mrsruffallo · 25/09/2008 20:59

Honestly, what's up, I love my mum dearly but I do feel she is of a different generation to me - I can confide in her but I wouldn't do stuff with her I would do with my best friend

LouMacca · 25/09/2008 20:59

Wow, you are really lucky to have that kind of relationship with your mum. My mum is my mother and my best friend is my school friend of 30 years. I don't ask advise from my mum as she isn't interested in other peoples problems. I would always go to my friends before my mother.

I hope to have a relationship like yours with my daughter and break the circle of bad mother/daughter relationships in our family.

mrsruffallo · 25/09/2008 21:00

I don't disagree georgiemama
But don't correct my spelling, it's annoying

ginnny · 25/09/2008 21:01

YANBU - I have a brilliant relationship with my Mum, she is my best friend and I see her 2 or 3 times a week and we talk / email most days.
I'm a single parent and have been through some really rough times in my life and she's always there for me.
Like Hecate says, the cause for concern is your relationship with your dp.

Wilkiepedia · 25/09/2008 21:01

YOu are not weird - your post could have been written by me (apart from the fact that mum lives 2 hours away). I love love love her and wish she lived nearer.

I have a great relationship with DH but mum is just...well....mum. I can't iamgine life without her.

So sorry to those of you that have lost their mums. Such a terrble thing to have had to go through

roseability · 25/09/2008 21:03

Can I ask you guys what makes you love your mums so much?

I don't have a good relationship with my own mother and I am very interested as I am determined to have a good relationship with my children

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