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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to love my mum as much as I do? Not a flippant question btw, am genuinely worried!

WhatsupDoc · 2008-09-25T19:35:08+00:00

I have always been very close to my mum (I'm eldest of 3) but since having DC and she has moved to opposite end of the country to be closer to us and see her grandchildren grow up we have got much closer. I talk to her every day and visit at least twice a week (15 min drive) We get on brilliantly, she is my best friend. She likes her own space though, and frequently kicks me out as I would spend all my spare time there (currently on mat leave with DD2) I have started to wonder whether I am actually too close to her. She's the first person I turn to when upset, happy.. the one I discuss difficult decisions with etc. I also realise that a large part of the problem is I don't have a brilliant relationship with DP - it's ok, but we are very different people and don't communicate well at all. Whereas my mum and I have the same sense of humour and laugh all the time. She's only in her 50's, but does smoke, and it really worries me to think I'm going to be without her one day. Is this normal behaviour or bordering on the strange? I've started telling myself I should spend less time with her because my priority should be my DP not my mum. I sound totally weird, don't I? Please someone else tell me this is normal??

105 replies

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 20:35

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 21:32

How sad, mrc

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mrsruffallo · 25/09/2008 21:32

Much sympathy from me too myredcardigan
It must be very hard for you

Elasticwoman · 25/09/2008 21:32

I think What'sup's mum is aware that she should put her dp and own children first. She sounds wise. It is ok, and to many women enviable, to be close to your mother. But What'sup knows there is something not quite right about being keener to spend time with your mum than with your dp. You seem sad that dp doesn't express many opinions about family life. Perhaps you are subconsciously wanting to make him jealous by spending so much time with your mother.

Whatsup, does your mother live alone?

myredcardigan · 25/09/2008 21:35

Happy, healthy woman meets drunk driver. End of story. Sorry, I'm a little bitter at the moment. Truly hope I can be there for my daughter.

Original poster

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 21:36

lol mrsruffallo, you are very astute.

I do have a wonderful and exciting life I might add (just not when with DP )

I am trying hard with DP but after 10 yrs I don't think he's going to change.

I do consider leaving, as I feel I have so much love to give but that would destroy any family life we do have for our DDs.

So what is worse - a loveless but stable family, or being on your own and depriving DD of their father?

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Elasticwoman · 25/09/2008 21:36

Bastard! (the driver)

mrsruffallo · 25/09/2008 21:37

mrc- that is horrific.
I don't blame you for being bitter

pgwithnumber3 · 25/09/2008 21:38

NOOO myredcardigan OMG. Your poor poor mum. I am so sorry. I hope the bastard is locked up. Same happened to DH's grandmother. So unfair.

Elasticwoman · 25/09/2008 21:39

Perhaps your dp loves you too. Why else would he set up home and give you 2 dc? Have you tried Relate?

pgwithnumber3 · 25/09/2008 21:39

mrsruffalo, I agree that WhatsupDoc needs to sort out her relationship with her DP but I doubt that would change her feelings for her mother.

Original poster

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 21:41

Elastic - yes my parents are separated.

Fairly sure I'm not trying to make him jealous (he's not the jealous type anyway). Just think I need someone to relate to and don't get that from DP, evidently.

I do try though. Very frustrating.

OP posts:

Elasticwoman · 25/09/2008 21:41

It might change the amount of time she spends with her.

mrsruffallo · 25/09/2008 21:41

Good question
I think while they were little I would be tempted to stick with stable but loveless
But is it compltetley loveless? That's very sad.

Elasticwoman · 25/09/2008 21:43

Sorry to ask v obvious question Whatsup: does your dp know you feel like this? I mean, if you've told him, was he listening?

Original poster

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 21:44

Elastic we tried a session of relate pre-DC he is really, really quiet and doesn't get emotion - just sat there struggling to know what to say. I felt bad for him, actually. It's not his fault.

I honestly thought having DC would change him - and that he would be a wonderful, loving dad. He is, sort of, but at the moment he seems to almost resent them, and is very stressed alot of the time. He strenuously denies this when I try to discuss it with him though.

I am just coming to the conclusion that it's not his fault - it's just how he is.

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DanJARMouse · 25/09/2008 21:46

I feel the same about my dad. We have always been close, but more so since my mum died.

He is up there at the top with DH and my children, couldnt imagine life without him, and hate it when he goes away for 2 weeks every summer!!!

So no, not unreasonable, but I would concentrate on your relationship with DP, I love my DH to bits, he understands my relationship with my dad, and we are a united front with the children.

georgimama · 25/09/2008 21:47

Please do back away, I also think you are quite mad. And rude.

TheHedgeWitch · 25/09/2008 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 21:48

Yes Elastic, he knows. He doesn't really understand what the problem is though. Like I said at the beginning - we are just worlds apart - shame I hadn't realised the implications before DC I know..

Home feels very empty. Don't know what to do really! (other than go round to my mums )

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flourybaps · 25/09/2008 21:50

its nice reading about people who are so close to their mums. i have always had a erm difficult relatonshio with my mum, resulting in massive insecurity on my part.

i worry every day how to be a good mum to my dd i would love to have a close relationship but im not sure i know how to do it

i think you should enjoy your relationship with your mum. your lucky

FairLadyRantALot · 25/09/2008 21:51

you what georgimama????

I can completely understand that other people aren't as close to their mum, but it doesn't mean that those that are close are weird...it is just that we all, as individuals, will click or not click aswelll...
I have 3 sons, I love them all, but I think that I will be understanding some better than the otehrs, iykwim...because of personality....

mrsruffallo · 25/09/2008 21:52

I think there is room for improvement there though, what's up.
He is very stressed, not good at expressing himslf..
could you spend some time alone together
Get you mum to have the kids for a weekend

georgimama · 25/09/2008 21:53

I was responding to mrsruffallo, who seems to have issues with me in general. No idea why. She seems to agree with other posters when they say the same thing as me, just not when I say it.

pgwithnumber3 · 25/09/2008 21:56

Your DP needs support as well, I think the men are forgotten about when DC come along. I know I sometimes neglect DH. When I start to make an effort, things fall back into place. At the end of the day, your DC will leave one day and you will need your relationship to be good or what do you do, spend all your time with your DC and their partners?

Original poster

WhatsupDoc · 25/09/2008 21:59

Nooo mrsruffallo, I couldn't do it.
We just had a weekend away sans kinder - but full of friends so pressure was off.
We have the opportunity to go to the Lakes for a week next month - in an apartment - I am frantically trying to find people to share with us.

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