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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really hacked off that DP has 'decided' that he will be playing football every saturday?

151 replies

Cantstandthefootball · 11/09/2008 10:18

DP is sports mad - loves playing and watching it. He has for the last few years been playing football every sat and one night in the week training. This stopped early this year when DS was born. A couple of months ago he said he wanted to play football again and would play for the second team so would mean that he wouldn't have to play every saturday. I said ok, i understand that he needs to have his own interests and needs to let off a bit of steam at the weekends. He has a stressful job and often has to work long hours. I am still on maternity leave but will be going back to work in Dec.
The problem is he has now said he will be playing every sat unless there is 'a family occasion or wedding' and he is out most of the day. It is an hours drive and he has to be there an hour before they play so means he is out of the house from 12pm till 6pm. For me it just feels like it is another day he is at work.

OP posts:
daftpunk · 11/09/2008 13:22

what can i do? that's how he is. he was honest from the start.

i must admit, i like men to be men..i wouldn't feel comfortable if i came home and found him folding blankets and dusting.

TheSmallClanger · 11/09/2008 13:22

Can't offer any decent suggestions, but I do feel your pain. DH took up golf for a bit earlier this year, on a Sunday which is our designated family day. It was made worse by the fact that I hate hate hate hate golf and golfers.
The only thing I can advise is that sarcasm and passive aggression doesn't work!
(DH gave up golf of his own accord anyway).

lulumama · 11/09/2008 13:23

folding laundry and doing housework does not mean his penis will drop off

daftpunk · 11/09/2008 13:33

no lulumama...but i don't think he'd take the risk..

TheSmallClanger · 11/09/2008 13:35

What's unmanly about taking responsibilities seriously?

expatinscotland · 11/09/2008 13:40

that would be fine by me because i would be out of the house from 12-6PM on Sundays or for a couple of evenings a week.

even if it were to go a gym and then a salon or have lunch with friends or to see a film on my own.

wouldn't matter.

he goes out, that's cool. so do i.

expatinscotland · 11/09/2008 13:44

LMFAO at 'he worked hard all week'.

DH was a SAHD for 4 years - he did housework, too, and he's still hung like a horse - and when i came home i didn't see that as an excuse to be a lazy fuckwit.

i'll be teaching my girls that any 'man' like that is a fuckwit not worth giving the time of day to, much less marrying and having kids with, because who needs a disrespectful arsewipe with no appreciation for anyone else in his or her life?

nicky111 · 11/09/2008 13:46

Absolutely expat, you have to play them at their own game especially when it comes to football widowhood.

SmallShips · 11/09/2008 13:51

No advice, as my DH is in the forces, works all week in Scotland (I'm on the I.O.W). I stay here with the DC, he arrives home late Friday night and is off to play football at 12 on Saturday, back at 18:00. He then goes back to Scotland on Sunday evening. Therefore leaving me without a single day to do anything i want to do!! I think i need to knock this on the head, but cant deal with his sulking when he doesn't play.

Claire236 · 11/09/2008 13:52

My husband plays football in winter & cricket in summer with training one night in the week. This is considerably less than he did before we got married & caused some major rows before we finally came to a compromise. What works for us is that he comes straight home after training so he's home before ds goes to bed & at weekends he stays for a quick drink after the match.

expatinscotland · 11/09/2008 13:54

oh, i'd have no problem dealing with his sulking, SS, by swanning off on my own for 6 hours the way he did to me.

even if it were to go to a cafe or to sit on a beach in the pouring rain and stare at the water.

wouldn't bother me one iota.

i don't know how some people abide such utterly twonkish behaviour from the partner or spouse, i really don't.

daftpunk · 11/09/2008 13:55

er..expat my dh is not a lazy fuckwit...he works hard to give me and my kids everything, ok he hasn't had a lot to do with them, esp school stuff..but that's because he's at work!

expatinscotland · 11/09/2008 14:00

so he's at work every single waking hour? that's why he can't be bothered to lift his hand in own house or with his own kids he chose to bring into the world?

because sorry, i don't buy that for an instant, as i was once the one 'working hard to pay the bills' in our home.

if it works for you, fine, but i think it's fuckwittage of the highest order.

i really do.

expatinscotland · 11/09/2008 14:04

my dad came from a culture famous for its machismo - Mexican. he worked all day M-F and then went to university every night, M-F, so that he could get degrees to provide us with a better life.

he wasn't a young man, either. he was 35 when he finished his first degree, in petroleum engineering.

my mother stayed home with us.

but every saturday, without fail, he took us two girls on - got us up whilst my mother had a lie in, fixed breakfast, got us ready and took us out.

ALL day. till tea time.

or my mother went out all day till tea time. he used Saturday evenings and Sundays to study.

people used to remark to my mother how 'lucky' she was. my father would always step in and say, 'why have kids if you're going to run off and can't be bothered to even take the time to find out who they are? i don't want my girls to grow up and be women i don't even know. there's no point in that.'

daftpunk · 11/09/2008 14:04

he didn't want 4 kids..i did! but he loves them and gives us a good(ish) life...he just thinks it's my job to do all the house work and stuff, as im at home all day...he wouldn't moan if he came home and the house was a tip..he'd just walk over it all.

tiredemma · 11/09/2008 14:04

OOh- Daftpunk, My DP works mega, mega hard, really stressful job (for him). He would never use this as an excuse to not pull his weight at home. I wouldnt be able to live with a man who expected me to do all the 'womens work'.

This behaviour would really piss me off, but if it works for you, cool.

nicky111 · 11/09/2008 14:10

My DP works a regular 10 to 12-hour day and has only taken two weeks holiday this year. This is because if he doesn't work, he doesn't get paid and neither does our mortgage. I am a SAHM and for most of the week have sole care of the children and do the lion's share of the housework. That is the deal.
I think it's out of order to call daftpunk's partner a lazy arsewipe when you have no idea about their situation.
And just because you have at some point had a full time job (most of us have) does not mean you can judge other people's situatios like that!

Cappuccino · 11/09/2008 14:10

like daftpunk said though, her dh said this right from the start, and she accepted it

that's fine, we all don't have to live the same life, however unfair other people's arrangements may seem to us

but the OP made no such deal with her dp

daftpunk · 11/09/2008 14:11

well, i hear what you're all saying and i should be pissed off etc etc...but there's a problem...

i love him.

mustrunmore · 11/09/2008 14:11

Ok, so I've only scanned half the thread cos its long. So ap ologies if I repeat things. But, why on earth would there be a problem with having a nonfamily interest? I'd see it as very very lucky for him that he can do that, and not have to work weekends like most people do. If you've got the time to have quality of life, take it.

SmallShips · 11/09/2008 14:17

It upsets me alot that(in our situation) my DH would rather play football then spend the one day he has with his children.

I know he is being a dick, he knows hes being a dick. At the minute though, its not worth the argument. It would ruin the limited time we have together.

BlingLovin · 11/09/2008 14:30

Expat - I grew up with the same kind of attitude from my dad. And he was in the merchant navy - not a group known for their warm fuzzy feminine sides!

daftpunk - you don't sound like you're worried about things or feeling too hard done by? Choices and all that, so you do what works for you and well done for being so positive about it.

For me though, children is joint responsibility. And there is no way that my dp is not pulling his weight when I'm at home and he's working, or vice versa. And if I had to look after the kids all saturday afternoon, I'd expect him to take on the responsibility at different times to make it easier.

The bit I don't understand is if you're one of those women who doesn't have a supportive dh, and unlike daftpunk, do have an issue with it, how and why do you put up with it?

expatinscotland · 11/09/2008 14:32

exactly, BL.

if it works for you, fine.

but in the OP's case, it obviously isn't something that's working.

nagging never helps. so in her shoes i'd arrange to be out from 12-6PM every single sunday or a couple of evenigns a week.

no discussion.

i'd just announce it or swan out the door.

end of.

Cappuccino · 11/09/2008 14:44

i think expat is right

taste of his own medicine and all that

clam · 11/09/2008 14:46

mustrunmore - because the time he's taking to have quality of life, is taken at the expense of his wife, who was duped about the implications of the deal. He said it would be once a fortnight, and it turns out it's every week - for 6 hours. Where's her non-family interest at the weekend coming from, if it's not to wipe out half of Sunday as a family day too?

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