to be really hacked off that DP has 'decided' that he will be playing football every saturday?

[Cantstandthefootball]

DP is sports mad - loves playing and watching it. He has for the last few years been playing football every sat and one night in the week training. This stopped early this year when DS was born. A couple of months ago he said he wanted to play football again and would play for the second team so would mean that he wouldn't have to play every saturday. I said ok, i understand that he needs to have his own interests and needs to let off a bit of steam at the weekends. He has a stressful job and often has to work long hours. I am still on maternity leave but will be going back to work in Dec.
The problem is he has now said he will be playing every sat unless there is 'a family occasion or wedding' and he is out most of the day. It is an hours drive and he has to be there an hour before they play so means he is out of the house from 12pm till 6pm. For me it just feels like it is another day he is at work.

6 hrs does seem like a long time.
Its not like he is nipping down to the local playing field for 2 x 45 minutes halves.

maybe they have a long "team talk" at the beginning?

Why the "mother look after her own child?"
Surely it's both parents' responsibility? She's doen her bit during the week. At the weekend it should be at least 50/50.

just to clarify..i meant its only 6 hours he will be away, i dont see that as unreasonable, its only an afternoon

exactly oblomov

and the thing for me is that this man seems to have made this decision all alone. And assumed she will do childcare for him. And that is the problem, not necessarily the time taken. It's the assumption that this is his right and not hers.

yes..in an ideal world it would be..but he's worked hard all week hasn't he?

god daftpunk crikey

she is looking after a child all week isn't that hard?

and she is going back to work in Dec

why assume that he has worked harder than she has?

and we don't know if he has worked hard

he may be a security guard who watches a screen all day eating donuts

It's just another parenting dilemma to juggle at the end of the day, but score keeping unfortunately builds resentment and destroys relationships. Before children were you equal partners in a relationship? Then why does this change after children?

Both parents need time away and families need time together. Men just assuming they can have time because they work hard is sending a message that their oh's are the lesser partner, that they don't respect them and there is no value to their family. Thus forever creating the keeping score scenario.

Mums need to also feel that they can assume to have time off and that oh's will PARENT - but in reality how often does this happen?

Compromises have to be made for the good of everyone NOT just acceptance if it simply is going to make you resentful - he wants to play football every weekend, fine if you are fine with it and get what you both consider to be fair back. However if you are not fine with it you need to keep talking until you resolve it and there is no easy solution.

Haven't read all of post, only OP. My DH before we were married used to be out playing football for six hours on both Sat and Sun - I hardly saw him at the weekends. Luckily he gave up the Saturday game when DD was born, but carried on with Sunday until he got an injury. He'd go out at 9, play and then go to the pub after the match. When he got home at three he'd sleep all afternoon due to the fresh air and alcohol, and it caused problems I can tell you.

The last two years he hasn't played at all, but then, after getting fed up of his whinging about not playing, I stupidly said to him that he could go back to Sundays again so long as he didnt' go to the pub afterwards. He was on the phone sorting it out before I'd even finished my sentance. Now he's training twice a week and is playing his first game on Sunday. He'll be out 10 - 1, longer if it's an away game. We'll see how it goes and if he keeps his promise about the after game drinks. I understand where you're coming from OP because it takes up so much time. There's no solution I don't think, I'm just glad I've been able to compromise with him on this occassion.

the bloke changed the goalposts (see what I did there? )

he started off giving up football, then said he would play for teh second team so it wouldn't be every week, and then - ooh - it's every week

both the OP and her dp decided together that football, but not every Saturday, was fine. She realised he needed to have his own interests, and he pretended to realise tht it was different now they had a child.

But then he pushed it that little bit furhter, and steamrollered right over her.

nice

That assumption always hacks me off, too. That the partner who leaves the house in each morning (usually the DH) has "worked hard all day" and therefore is entitled to sit on his backside all evening in the pub or on the sofa while the mother of his children runs herself ragged from dawn til bedtime. Generalisation, I know, but an awful lot of posters on here seem to live with it.

My DP plays footie in the week and watches it every weekend (he is a season ticket holder) and I know how you feel. I have tried sulking, emotional blackmail and tantrums to make him stop but I have come to realise that it is something very important to him and I should let him get on with it. He works very hard for us during the week and is entitled to some time off. It also allows him to spend some time with his dad, brother and brother in law.
But instead of martyring myself, I do a fitness class on a sat morning followed by coffee, cake and newspapers while he deals with DD's, takes them to dancing etc. This means I am mentally prepared for yet another afternoon with the kids.
My advice is find yourself an activity. make him watch the kids while you do it and everything will be easier.

agree with cappucino

every saturday, all day is too much is too much

I'd have hated that
on the other hand dh used to go off and play cricket one evening a week when dd was tiny
that was ok

of course it's good for people to do their own thing but not for half of what's already a too-short weekend

maybe i'm just married to a dinosaur. he looks on housework and looking after children as "womens work" ....as long as he pays all the bills and puts up a shelf now and then he thinks he's done enough.

Capp, it was noted
Agree. It seems like something understandable has become unreasonable.

tbh i found being at home with a small baby harder than being at work
i know dh used to be positively relieved to be going off to work when dd was tiny and screaming blue murder as he scarpered off to get his train in the morning

Yes yes yes!!!!

Clam - that's exactly it. I think everyone understands that for lots of reasons mothers tend to take the lead, in the beginning, but there's this weird assumption that that will continue for the next 20 years??! Why?

ffs - bringing up children, if you're in a relationship, is a two person responsibility. And if as a couple you choose to have one person stay home and the other one go out to work, doesn't change the fact that both of you are working from when the office type leaves until he/she returns.

Sorry, where is Op ?
I can't find any info (maybe Oblomov is blind) on whether he is home early during the week, supporting her, bathing baby etc.
Becasue that all is important aswell, in deciding whether 6 hrs at the weekend is 'reasonable'.

daft - I don't think it matters unless it bothers you tbh

Daftpunk - you never say how this makes you feel? I would turn into a complete banshee, psycho person personally.

it reduces the weekend to one day.. 12 - 6 basically writes off an entire day. i totally agree with cappucino

saturdays and sundays are not on the whole, good days to try to do something with friends as they are with their own families