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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really hacked off that DP has 'decided' that he will be playing football every saturday?

151 replies

Cantstandthefootball · 11/09/2008 10:18

DP is sports mad - loves playing and watching it. He has for the last few years been playing football every sat and one night in the week training. This stopped early this year when DS was born. A couple of months ago he said he wanted to play football again and would play for the second team so would mean that he wouldn't have to play every saturday. I said ok, i understand that he needs to have his own interests and needs to let off a bit of steam at the weekends. He has a stressful job and often has to work long hours. I am still on maternity leave but will be going back to work in Dec.
The problem is he has now said he will be playing every sat unless there is 'a family occasion or wedding' and he is out most of the day. It is an hours drive and he has to be there an hour before they play so means he is out of the house from 12pm till 6pm. For me it just feels like it is another day he is at work.

OP posts:
daftpunk · 11/09/2008 10:52

wouldn't be a problem for me at all tbh, does a man have to either be at work or with his kids? they are entitled to a bit of a life.

Jennyusedtobepink · 11/09/2008 10:53

daftpunk - and isn't the OP entitled to the same?

MoChan · 11/09/2008 10:54

Everyone needs their own time and I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to do this, but you need to make sure you get your own time too, I think. I am pretty much in the same situation (except my DP plays on Sunday mornings and Monday nights, and pretty much alwats has done apart from a few weeks after our baby was first born) and I generally use the time he's away to do nice things on my own with my daughter. At the moment it's hard for me to do anything similar because my little girl is still very little (thirteen months) and still very attached to me, but at some stage I am going to start leaving her with DP for a few hours so that I can do my own thing. I think psychologically it's good for me to be planning this, as whilst at the moment, it doesn't balance with DP going off and doing his own thing, it will eventually.

harleyd · 11/09/2008 10:55

when you have kids it doesnt mean that every minute of the day when you arent working you have to spend it as a family. surely everyone is entitled to time away. i dont think playing football on a saturday is unreasonable at all

Jodee · 11/09/2008 10:56

you don't say if you do things as a family on a Sunday?

DH has long ago hung up his footie boots (or maybe I dumped them in the river, I can't remember ) but he plays cricket in the summer (captain)(which means he is out from noon until after 9pm) and there are indoor cricket leagues in the winter evenings after work. Granted the cricket summer season isn't as long as the footy season is - but then he religiously follows a footy team and will to games, but ties it in with work usually.

DH will make sure Sundays are family times, and I don't begrudge him time to let off steam from the long hours he works.

OTOH, it does seem to be assumed by DH that I am always going to be around to look after DS, whereas I have to make arrangements with him/family members if I want to go out.

MrsMattie · 11/09/2008 10:57

lol@gingernut.

To be fair, I get plenty of time out from family life, too. I've been on three weekends away this year minus DH and DS. If I wasn't heavily pregnant I might also have tagged along on the Croatia trip and got a bit of sun . The football trips make it easier for me to say 'Well, you've got your football, I need my time out, too'...

DrNortherner · 11/09/2008 10:57

Oh this is a tricky one. My dh is a chef so I have nearly every sat/sun on my own while he is at work. Tbh, if he decided to be home on Saturdays I'd probably tell him to piss off!

I think it is important for adults to do their own thing and not feel that the other partner feels resentful about it.

mayorquimby · 11/09/2008 11:01

"daftpunk - and isn't the OP entitled to the same? "

and pretty much everyone universally has said this to her.
it is unreasonable to try and stop her husband from having time to him self.
if he was doing the same to her i would say he was being just as unreasonable. it is now up to the op to organise some time during the week that she takes for herself. you can't punish the husband on the basis that he has time to himself but she doesn't if she has not done anything pro active to organise her own time/activities away from the home.

mayorquimby · 11/09/2008 11:01

"daftpunk - and isn't the OP entitled to the same? "

and pretty much everyone universally has said this to her.
it is unreasonable to try and stop her husband from having time to him self.
if he was doing the same to her i would say he was being just as unreasonable. it is now up to the op to organise some time during the week that she takes for herself. you can't punish the husband on the basis that he has time to himself but she doesn't if she has not done anything pro active to organise her own time/activities away from the home.

daftpunk · 11/09/2008 11:02

jennyusedtobepink

yes the op is entitled to life away from the house/kids..etc, she should talk with her partner about that. maybe have sunday as her "day off"... but you know, if women want kids i'm afraid they have to expect to take on 99% of the care......fact.

mayorquimby · 11/09/2008 11:03

sorry for the dpouble post and the redundant "everyone universally" my english teacher would not be pleased.

MrsMattie · 11/09/2008 11:03

What????@daftpunk

What a ridiculous thing to say.

Jennyusedtobepink · 11/09/2008 11:04

Great. We're all saying the same then.

Oliveoil · 11/09/2008 11:04

well I can sort of understand you but I can also understand your dh

you do not turn off your interests when you become a parent

dh is football mad and I am indifferent, luckily as the damn thing is always on the tv

we had arranged a shopping weekend for this weekend - off load the kids to inlaws, freedom hurrah - only for him to say, ahem, erm United are on at 12.45pm with an [I want to watch it face]

so after much 'discussion' we are going shopping, I am going to mooch about looking at stuff whilst he goes to the pub, then meet up after and he be my Gok Wan then

but unfortunately I don't think there is a compromise in your situ

if you go off and do something on your own on Sunday, then effectively you do not spend any weekend time all together as a family which is a shame

is there anyway he can be back before 6pm?

Original poster
Cantstandthefootball · 11/09/2008 11:05

We do generally do things as a family on Sundays although recently DP has been working most weekends and working late but this should calm down soon. We do have our own interests and try to get out both on our own and together when we can get a baysitter it's just the fact that I know it will be every Saturday until next summer. Im also fed up that he just seems to assume that I will look after DS whereas if I want to do something I have to plan it with him so he is around to look after DS.

Im not going to stop him playing footie but I think we need to set some 'ground rules' ie sat mornings I will either go to the gym, shopping etc. Sundays are family days and he makes sure he is home on Saturdays in time to put DS to bed.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 11/09/2008 11:07

"Great. We're all saying the same then. "

pretty much.
but somehow the posts keep coming in.

cat64 · 11/09/2008 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

daftpunk · 11/09/2008 11:08

i have four kids...dh only wanted one..he told me.."you can have as many as you like..but you'll be looking after them..i'm busy at work etc," so maybe just my experience.

mayorquimby · 11/09/2008 11:09

"if you go off and do something on your own on Sunday, then effectively you do not spend any weekend time all together as a family which is a shame"

surely the way to do it would be to have sunday as family day and then one night (or however many the op and her h decide before i'm labelled a controlling mysoginist ) during the week is the op's time to herself. where she can hit the gym/go to a class/go to the pub with friends.
then there's designated family time and each partner has time away from the house

MrsMattie · 11/09/2008 11:11

definitely not everyone's experience@daftpunk. If my Dh said that to mer I wouldn't have any more kids...with him, anyway!

Original poster
Cantstandthefootball · 11/09/2008 11:12

mayorquimby - I do have plenty of interest away from being a mum. I see my friends, go to the gym and am currently studying for a promotion at work. What I am trying to say is that I now know I need to organise to do sometning every sat with DS - both my mum and mil live over an hours drive away so I can't see them. Its hard after you have been looking after an 8mth DS after you have been doing it all week. As I have said I do not begrudge or 'punish' DP for having outside intrests - I would be worried if he didn't have any

OP posts:
BlingLovin · 11/09/2008 11:18

I think I understand. It just feels like your "working" week is five and a half days long, while his is five days?

BlingLovin · 11/09/2008 11:18

daftpunk - that frightens me. It means you have children not that you and DP have a family.

florenceuk · 11/09/2008 11:21

My mum lives in NZ, if she was an hour away I'd see her all the time! An hour is nothing - we drive an hour and a half or more to go for a family outing on the weekend. If driving is the problem, learn to drive - it's liberating.

daftpunk · 11/09/2008 11:22

blinglovin

oh it's ok...he loves them all..and spends a bit of time with them...but he's never been to one parents evening, or one sports day