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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry/upset with dh that I could strangle him with my bare hand .......????

153 replies

mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 18:07

Some of you will know the story. Today I graduated with a 2:1 degree in nursing yay .
Have been telling him for months we should do something to celebrate and was planning a night away tomorrow but we could get childcare, and he then said this week 'so you dont mind if I go to the rugby with the boys then'

said that yes I did mind and that whether we celebrate with a 5* resort or a meal for us and the kids in a harvester doesnt matter, it should be a celebration (thanks ruby for that )

So last night i said if he wanted to go out with the boys I was going to go to the health club in the afternoon and have a couple of spa treatments (£35) and maybe he could treat me to those.

Cue massive rant from him including lovely lines such as 'you fucking disgust me, the way you expect to be paid something for getting your degree' and also 'who the fuck do you think you are' etc etc. In the end he had me in tears and I said I hated him.

My best friend this morning sent me a mahoosive bouquet of flowers which almost reduced me to tears because it was such a lovely gesture, she also asked us to go out as a family on sunday to celebrate.

So am I in the wrong here, expecting something (dh says I shouldnt expect anything). His defence is that I had told him we could do it next weekend (which i didnt because I dont know my shifts or if we have childcare)

OP posts:
Amethyst86 · 06/09/2008 09:39

BTW I was the takeaway girl whose partner thought she deserved less takeaway than him.

solidgoldbrass · 06/09/2008 09:41

Amethyst: and you are still with this bellend why, exactly?

Amethyst86 · 06/09/2008 11:45

Well he was given an ultimatum with regard to uni, either he helped out with childcare and made it possible or he could leave and I am now about to start my access course. So just seeing how it goes for now.

I am fully aware of his fully fledged status as the biggest bellend on the plant though.

lazyclogs · 06/09/2008 12:30

new to this thread. well done mosschops.
not sure if anyone has mentioned this but does he praise / acknowledge your dc's achievements? my sister has massive self esteem issues- we have all done well academically etc, but for some reason my dad never really took the time to support/praise her etc in the way he did for my brother and I. Also, the total lack of respect in those words really bother me, do you think your sons will follow that example and treat women in that way.

dittany · 06/09/2008 14:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amethyst86 · 06/09/2008 15:19

Well if you remember it was the "side dish" that was the real issue, he didnt want to pay for a side dish - "Pointless" - so I had more of the main course, but it appeared that was not an option either. So I now order a side dish on take away night and nothing gets said. So I dont know if he is silently seething about the Sag Aloo or just relieved that he gets more of the King Prawn Bhuna.

TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor · 06/09/2008 18:43

Well done Gettingagrip! I bet your x has no real insight into why the relationship ended. Men like this never really see it.

My x tells everybody who'll listen that he can't understand why I left!

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/09/2008 20:49

Just a quick update, thank you all for your lovely supportive posts whilst ive been away.

He came home about 11.30 on friday after being at a friends house (a couple we both know).
He told them his side of the story (e.g. i said we were going away next weekend to celebrate, so when he said about going out with the boys couldnt understand why i went so OTT) grrr, other couple of course said 'so whats her problem'!!!

I said we needed to talk, he said he didnt want to. I said if he ever spoke to me like that again I'd leave him, he said 'i dont think i can move on from the things you said to me'. Ended up arguing again.

Yesterday was ok, strained, but we were talking, stayed in last night and had a takeaway and watched a film.

Got up this morning and he said, 'im not coming out with our friends today because I dont want to pretend to be all happy'

So I went on my own with the dc's and had a wonderful day eating and bowling. And my spa treatments yesterday were amazing.

So tbh I dont know where we go from here, we are barely speaking and neither can see the others pov, its going to explode again I imagine because no-one can live like this

OP posts:
kitbit · 07/09/2008 21:09

Hang on, but you wanting to go out for a spa treatment would probably cost the same as his night out with the boys, so even if you hadn't done so brilliantly well and worked so hard to get your qualification, why should it be an issue???? The fact that you DID makes it doubly due.

He's a selfish git. And probably jealous.

Well done x

piratecat · 07/09/2008 21:18

'i don't think i can move on from the things you said to me'

what things ???

also was it set in stone that you were going away next weekend to celebrate? I nkow you said you didn't say anything about that,so where has he come up with that one from??

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/09/2008 21:23

honestly i have no idea. Apart from starting work tomorrow at 9am I dont know whats happening, no idea of shifts or anything so no way I wouldve said 'oh lets go away next weekend instead', but agree that if I had then hey no problem.

I dont know what I said, i think its was the part about me saying everytime something good happens he fucks it up for me and that he hasnt supported me through my degree which he strongly denies and says the whole family's life has been on hold for 3 years.

kitbit, he didnt mind me having the spa, he just didnt want to 'treat' me as a well done pressie because we werent celebrating in any other way. So I treated myself and it felt bloody good. And cheap too at only £39

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 07/09/2008 21:31

How do you know what he said to these mutual friends?

Original poster
mosschops30 · 07/09/2008 21:38

because he told me!

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 07/09/2008 21:43

Could he possibly be trying to get you to apologise to him in sneaky way? Isn't he worried that you will meet these friends eventually and they will ask how your weekend went and you will say what weekend???

Is it possible to go out with mutual friends and discuss this (mutual friends around to act as referees, and public place to prevent murder)

Salleroo · 07/09/2008 22:00

Good luck at work tomorrow, you'll be a star. Congratulations on the degree.

My jaw dropped when I read your post. Dont let him turn it around on you and how he cant get over your comments. Have it out, both of you have your say, apologise if necessary, both of you (and you must mean it). Then draw a line under it and move on with your new career and life. But make it very very clear that these sorts of comments will not be tolerated with in the future.

nkf · 07/09/2008 22:01

Congratulations on your degree. Can't find anything good to say about your husband.

mumof2222222222222222boys · 07/09/2008 22:16

Many congratulations. It is a complete contrast to how my (now)DH was when I spent a year doing exams at age of 30 entirely supported by him. Have to say I echo nkf.

lickleolme · 07/09/2008 22:27

I wonder if your friends really did say that. How will he react if your shifts dictate that you can't go away next weekend.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 08/09/2008 14:39

Well my shifts dictate that we actually can go away next weekend but I think it'll be unlikely that we will given all thats gone on!
We're only just talking, but I agree this needs to be got into the open, talked about, apologise and move on

OP posts:
mummy5bellies · 08/09/2008 14:45

move out more like

squeaver · 08/09/2008 14:50

Oh mosschops, what a mess. Don't let it go.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 08/09/2008 14:52

no i wont let it just be brushed under the carpet, we do need to dicuss it. I have already told him that if he ever speaks to me like that again our marriage will be over. He admitted that he was 'probably' wrong to speak to me that way.
We need to have a good old blow out, say what we've got to say then forget it.

(btw my card from him is still in the kitchen, AIBU in expecting him to give it to me rather than him just leaving it with all the other letters and stuff)

OP posts:
squeaver · 08/09/2008 14:55

Maybe the card could be the starting point for a "discussion"..

Original poster
mosschops30 · 08/09/2008 15:07

I just dont know how to talk to him without starting another row. Whats the best non-confrontational way to start off.
I already asked him about the card and he said 'what I actually have to give it to you' and then he wondered why I called him an emotional fuckwit!!!!

OP posts:
Janni · 08/09/2008 15:15

Lower the emotional temperature - it sounds like every phrase between you is loaded. I disagree about the need for a blow-out - you will both end up saying dreadful things to each other.

If you really want to talk to him and for him to talk to you, start by just saying 'Thanks for the card. It was nice'.