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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry/upset with dh that I could strangle him with my bare hand .......????

153 replies

mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 18:07

Some of you will know the story. Today I graduated with a 2:1 degree in nursing yay .
Have been telling him for months we should do something to celebrate and was planning a night away tomorrow but we could get childcare, and he then said this week 'so you dont mind if I go to the rugby with the boys then'

said that yes I did mind and that whether we celebrate with a 5* resort or a meal for us and the kids in a harvester doesnt matter, it should be a celebration (thanks ruby for that )

So last night i said if he wanted to go out with the boys I was going to go to the health club in the afternoon and have a couple of spa treatments (£35) and maybe he could treat me to those.

Cue massive rant from him including lovely lines such as 'you fucking disgust me, the way you expect to be paid something for getting your degree' and also 'who the fuck do you think you are' etc etc. In the end he had me in tears and I said I hated him.

My best friend this morning sent me a mahoosive bouquet of flowers which almost reduced me to tears because it was such a lovely gesture, she also asked us to go out as a family on sunday to celebrate.

So am I in the wrong here, expecting something (dh says I shouldnt expect anything). His defence is that I had told him we could do it next weekend (which i didnt because I dont know my shifts or if we have childcare)

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 05/09/2008 18:23

Congratulations on getting your degree, you can really be proud of yourself.

What a shame your idiot husband does not feel the same way.

Of course he should make an effort to celebrate you degree, I am sure you worked bloody hard to get it.

It is not as if you are asking for a 2 week holiday in Bermuda, surely a night out is not too much to ask.

Tbh, the way he speaks to you is more worrying than the actual argument. Is he always so nasty when you argue? Does he often use foul language with you?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2008 18:24

Ah, I see. This is what I would call a case of "pissing on your parade".

DH does it from time to time. Hardly at all these days, but, it used to happen a bit.

There'd be something fun, or, good (birthday/celebration). DH would get grumpier in the days leading up. Maybe pick fights. Or be particularly sensitive. Then he'd be able to either a) have a strop b) wander off and say "Im not going".

Either way, it would marr the day. He would get away with not participating and the wind would be knocked out of my sails completely.

I managed to stamp on it by pointing out to him at the time of his bad behaviour that I wasnt going to allow him to piss on my parade and he could either join in - which I'd like him to, or not. Either way - I would enjoy myself. Also, by calling his bluff on his threats. It threw him completely and left him feeling even more insecure and threatened than before.

It's was always hard going though. Mind you, he's grown up quite a bit now

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 18:24

oh squeaver you post made me lol

I really dont think it is jealousy.

I dont know whats gonna happen. I love him very much and we've had a wonderful few months since our last 'we're gonna get a divorce argument'. I was just so shocked at his hatred towards me last night, and carrying on into today. Im not a 'cry-baby' it takes a lot to tip me over the edge but he really upset me and even saw me crying when I said 'i hate you'.

The problem is he really believes what he's saying is right and that wont change, if he came back and said 'sorry' i will give you all a tenner. Thats how sure I am that it wont happen. It will be silent treatment for days then slowly end up talking, no apologies!

He's bought a card i think, its in the kitchen with my name on it, but he hasnt given it to me or said anything

OP posts:
bloomingfedup · 05/09/2008 18:24

What an achievement. Really well done. Your Dh is being a knobhead. Don't let let him spoil for you.

AbbaFan · 05/09/2008 18:24

Mosschops - I can see simular trates with my DH. He never apologises EVER, he ignores me after a row and always makes me feel like the arguement was my fault. This is something I am always bringing up with him.

I am pretty shocked by the way he spoke to you though - that is really insulting. I would talk to him about that later, in such a way as 'what you said really upset me'.

Anyway, yes you do deserve a treat. It's only a few hours at the spa.

Congratulations

Twelvelegs · 05/09/2008 18:25

DH could still resent not being able to belittle you with his 'career' now you have your own. Threatened by the fact that he may have to coider you equal and cannot be looked upon by you as a hero?

Word of warning, my DF is like this and hasn't changed at all.

slightlycrumpled · 05/09/2008 18:25

Mosschops, that is an awful way for him to speak to you.

Okay, so he has already got a degree and a good job, but up untill now he has been the only one with the degree. It doesn't have to be jealousy of what you've achieved, but maybe he resents that he is no longer the only one with the career iyswim.

Some men just don't like change.

Mind you, he has behaved in a bloody awful way and would definately be in the spare room in our house.

YANBU. YANBU.

Congratualations on your achievement, you should be very proud of yourself, and frankly deserve the day in the bloody spa!!!

Twelvelegs · 05/09/2008 18:25

Congratulations btw.

Carmenere · 05/09/2008 18:25

Oh tell him that he is weak, insecure and mean. Not admirable qualities in a man. And tell him he is not welcome in the family home until he revises his pathetic opinions and adjusts his attitude.
seriously, put your foot down here. I am not saying leave him but ffs, you can't have a decent relationship with someone who even harbours those feelings not to mind thinks it is acceptable to voice them.

Twelvelegs · 05/09/2008 18:26

Consider (oops)

GrabShellDude · 05/09/2008 18:26

Many congratulations! That is a great result.

Sorry no idea what to do about DH as there is a lot more to his attitude I would think than just being jealous about your achievement.

DoubleBluff · 05/09/2008 18:27

How awful!
You should be so proud of what you have acheived and he should be proud of you too.
He seems to have some issue with this, maybe he wants to keep you at home barefoot and pregnant?

cargirl · 05/09/2008 18:27

honestly, I think you both need to go to relate and get it sorted.

melsy · 05/09/2008 18:28

What an achievement , many congratulations , wow and to work thoise hours on top of it too.

As for Mr Dh hes acting totally irrationally and frankly like a child. Definitely think he needs to be out of the house for a few days. Im soo soo sorry your experiencing this, it must be very hurtful and frustrating.

He sounds so like my dh , why the h*ll do they act like this? Ive been invited to attend a special thing and been selected specifically, which means I need to go out an extra evening every month ( I already do another course on a Wednesday evening every week).

I spoke to dh about it , as we need someone to either babysit for 2 hrs so dh can work as normal , or he has to come home early and when I say early I mean 7. He blew his nut at me , didn't even congratulate me at all, its quite an honour as will what Ive been asked to do.

So I know how it feels to be given a totally unkind and uncaring response to positive personal development. Its very really

You know I used to write about this stuff in suedonims , dont care now , why should we hide treatment done to us?

MrsMattie · 05/09/2008 18:28

YANBU. His attitude is (at best) unsupportive and selfish. To be honest, I would say something a lot stronger about him but I don't want to be offensive. And the way he spoke to you is a piss take.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 18:28

He likes to ignore me and yes the foul language is common. But then I can be a foul mouthed bitch when the mood takes me, but its rarely directed at him normally something like 'those f b* have parked across my drive again'
maybe last night i said a few but they werent directed at him IYKWIM, something like 'i dont think its too f much to ask'

My marriage has been wonderful and now Im plunged back into this again with him being sooo nasty to me.

I really cant tell you how evil those words were, I was shocked but his 'who the fuck do you think youre talking to' is quite a common one from him.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 05/09/2008 18:30

Is some of this about financial stuff?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2008 18:31

Oh he's definitely insecure. He's giving you a "get-out". You are moving onwards and upwards and he isnt. You want to better yourself whereas he is the same as before.

By being horrible to you, it means you can reject him for that, rather than rejecting him for the actual reason that is playing on his mind or that he feels inadequate about.

melsy · 05/09/2008 18:31

ooh god sorry about my awful grammar,hope you get my gist! To write better takes me an hour to post and have to go and run a bath for the dd's!

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 18:32

Like what TFM?

I really cant say its about jealousy or worrying that I have a career, because he's honestly not that sort of man, really he's not. He certainly wouldnt want a woman who's home and pregnant all the time.

Agree with some who've said its the words that were spoken that hurt the most, not the argument itself.

So what am I going to do??

Oh and thank you for all the congratulations

OP posts:
FAQ · 05/09/2008 18:33

ooo Congratulations -

YANBU at all - even a takeaway at home would do if money's the issue (sorry haven't read the rest of the thread properly).

OneBoyOneGirl · 05/09/2008 18:33

Haven't read the whole thread but congratulations! And i must admit if DH spoke to me like that he would not be out, let alone on a day so special as this for you

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 18:34

lol melsy didnt even notice

its not a competition thing, over the last few years he has done exceptionally well at work, is now in a senior position. He earns money that I will never earn as a nurse

OP posts:
nametaken · 05/09/2008 18:37

'fannying round for 3 years without a proper job'

That's a nice thing to say to someone who has spent the last 3 years studying full time and running a home and raising two children.

He is being awful, just unbelievably jealous because you've achieved something. Why oh why are some men so pathetic they actually feel threatened by womens achievements ffs.

Tell you dh calmly and quietly that he's right and that you don't want or expect anything whatsoever from him.

Go out with your friend who sounds like a true friend.

And, (I mean this from the bottom of my heart and I am the hardest and most unsentimental cow you could ever meet) congratulations to you on your achievement. You really have done incredibly well.

HonoriaGlossop · 05/09/2008 18:37

I don't think it's jealousy because as you say he has a degree and has done well. But it seems so clear that he is massively threatened by you now having the same qualification. Obviously he liked being the clever one.

What did he do when he got his degree? Got his promotions? nothing at all? Has he ever celebrated any of his acheivements in any way at all?

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