To be so angry/upset with dh that I could strangle him with my bare hand .......????

[mosschops30]

Some of you will know the story. Today I graduated with a 2:1 degree in nursing yay .
Have been telling him for months we should do something to celebrate and was planning a night away tomorrow but we could get childcare, and he then said this week 'so you dont mind if I go to the rugby with the boys then'

said that yes I did mind and that whether we celebrate with a 5* resort or a meal for us and the kids in a harvester doesnt matter, it should be a celebration (thanks ruby for that )

So last night i said if he wanted to go out with the boys I was going to go to the health club in the afternoon and have a couple of spa treatments (£35) and maybe he could treat me to those.

Cue massive rant from him including lovely lines such as 'you fucking disgust me, the way you expect to be paid something for getting your degree' and also 'who the fuck do you think you are' etc etc. In the end he had me in tears and I said I hated him.

My best friend this morning sent me a mahoosive bouquet of flowers which almost reduced me to tears because it was such a lovely gesture, she also asked us to go out as a family on sunday to celebrate.

So am I in the wrong here, expecting something (dh says I shouldnt expect anything). His defence is that I had told him we could do it next weekend (which i didnt because I dont know my shifts or if we have childcare)

I think it was the idea of him treating you (by which I assume you mean you were asking him to pay for your beauty treatments) and him saying you expected to be paid. That you clearly have joint finances and how they were used seemed to be an issue.

Was is it more the celebration per se, or the paying for it, that set him off?

Mosschops, if your convinced it's not about jealousy then maybe he did genuinely want to do something special to celebrate next weekend, not cobble something together this weekend.

Could he be feeling embarrased about the way he spoke to you?

Are you able to speak to him properly tonight? These things can have a habit of festering.

separate finances - not joint

Mossy - he's definitely insecure. This sort of behaviour has it written all over it.

In fact, aside from anything else the "who the fuck do you think you are talking to" comment denotes a feeling that he requires respect and isnt getting it. I think he needs to realise that he needs to earn it first, and not just by being the main breadwinner/careerperson.

YANBU.

You've done really well, and I would love to have achieved what you have done. He should be proud of you, he should want to treat you and he should feel like celebrating with you!

But no, at this great moment that should be so happy, he has cut the wind from your sails. Now, forever, when you think of getting your nursing degree, you'll associate it with these horrible comments.

I think he's threatened and I would question whether he is behind you for the long haul.

congratulations on your degree,fantastic achievement.i was child free when at uni so brill you balanced in degree,family.

big time of transition

youi have professional qualification,degree, career. your roles,status,goals all changed.
you have an autonomy and status and dh isn't liking it

roles have changed he isnt numero uno
not the only adult with a degree and satisfying .in a way maybe he feels less needed not sole breadwinner. the caveman in him is beating his chest

he needs to grow up, step back appreciate his brainy partner, and get over his bruised ego

this is about his adjusting to change. some straight talking required, he needs to see this as ex-partners now.support your goals, the pragmatic stuff like staying in Friday when you are on a late

where do you see this going?is it a resolvable blip or symptomatic of something deeper more problematic

oh ruby Im dissapointed in your post, i expected something much more lol.

many thanks nametaken. I think I will, Im going to spend tomorrow afternoon at the healthclub, then he can go out. I will be out with my best friend and her dh and dc's on sunday, and my dc's and if he wants to miss out then fine.

I do think there are 'issues' within his family about praise! My IL's have never asked how Im getting on, havent sent a card or anything, havent even had a birthday card off them for 2 years but thats another story. He seems to think that celebrating is 'over the top' and his family are the most unemotional people Ive ever met. But he never used to be like that when I met him.

TFM - i have an account and so does he, we share the bills, mortgage, holidays etc. And yes I was asking him to 'treat' me to the spa treatments because it was clear that we werent going to go away anywhere, and when I said 'are we going to go out for a meal then on saturday' he replied 'looks like'. Which is when I thought bollocks I'll celebrate it on my own doing something I really want. I'll pay for the treatments myself now

vvvQV i hate, hate hate it when he says that sentence. I mean who the hell talks like that???
I do agree with what youre saying

Pay for your own treatments Mosschops, at least then you won't have to lower yourself to thank the miserable bastard

god yes nametaken I fully intend to. I will enjoy them more too

I wasn't suggesting he shouldn't treat you BTW. Sorry if it cam across wrong.

There just seemed to be a financial thread running through it.

He is, of course, an arse for doing this when you should be floating on air.

And not the first MN partner to do it IIRC

What an amazing achievement! congratulations!

I think he sounds deeply insecure. PMS - Poor Me Syndrome. If you are achieving such great results and are about to embark upon a fulfilling career with great prospects, how will that affect me. He's behaving atrociously. If my husband ever belittled me or my achievements in that way, I would consider ending our relationship.

Thanks TFM I know what you meant

he did say this weekend would be tight if we went away, i wouldve been fine with a meal out with the dc's.
However the £60 he will probably spend tomorrow night with the boys is evidently not a problem

I think you seriously have to consider whether you want to stay in a couple relationship with a man who has problems percieving you as a human being. He thinks you're a 'woman', which is not, in his eyes, a human being. He thinks that your purpose is to service him and look after the children, not to want anything for yourself or be capable of achieving anything other than a sparkling clean toilet and a nicely cooked meal.

I am shocked that a lot of you consider this an emotionally abusive relationship . I admit his words were abusive but dh is the least abusive person I know apart from the way he talks to me sometimes.

Would people really consider ending a relationship over this argument?

Well done , mosschops.

It sounds like he feels a bit threatened by the new you and a bit worried that you might outgrow him now you've got your posh degree 'n all.

your relationship-only you can answer but you certainly don't paint a wholesome picture

Apart from the way he talks to you?

That's pretty significant surely?

God, I don't tend to join the "leave him" chorus, but it is not acceptable to be spoken to like that, is it? Where is the respect?

So are you prepared to be spoken to like shit until you die, having all your achievements made unimportant while he rants and shouts "WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?", just because he's fine when you're NOT achieving things?

No youre right its not acceptable to speak to someone like that, and thats how I felt last night.
Although how Im gonna tackle it when he's not here, and not talking to me.
When I said to him this afternoon that he was rude to me he said 'yeah well you were rude too'
it will descend into 'well i didnt speak to you like that'
'yes you did'
'i did not'
etc etc

as I have said though I am not the most pleasant person when arguing. However I was NOT being rude last night when he started the tirade against me 'fucking disgusting him'.

I think you need to go to Relate. It's all very well having a knight in shining armour but they tend to feel displaced when you don't need rescuing any more.

Mosschops many congratulations on your achivement

Would I consider ending a relationship over this argument? Put it this way, I would be considering what I/we could do to completely change his behaviour and prevent my having to put up with it ever again. Because there is no way on earth I would be with a man who spoke to me like that, with utter contempt and disrespect. No way. If it was a one off and he was prepared to talk about it and change then I would do that; any more and I would be looking at Relate; if it was in any way regular or if there were other factors like aggression then yes, I would leave him.