To be so angry/upset with dh that I could strangle him with my bare hand .......????

[mosschops30]

Some of you will know the story. Today I graduated with a 2:1 degree in nursing yay .
Have been telling him for months we should do something to celebrate and was planning a night away tomorrow but we could get childcare, and he then said this week 'so you dont mind if I go to the rugby with the boys then'

said that yes I did mind and that whether we celebrate with a 5* resort or a meal for us and the kids in a harvester doesnt matter, it should be a celebration (thanks ruby for that )

So last night i said if he wanted to go out with the boys I was going to go to the health club in the afternoon and have a couple of spa treatments (£35) and maybe he could treat me to those.

Cue massive rant from him including lovely lines such as 'you fucking disgust me, the way you expect to be paid something for getting your degree' and also 'who the fuck do you think you are' etc etc. In the end he had me in tears and I said I hated him.

My best friend this morning sent me a mahoosive bouquet of flowers which almost reduced me to tears because it was such a lovely gesture, she also asked us to go out as a family on sunday to celebrate.

So am I in the wrong here, expecting something (dh says I shouldnt expect anything). His defence is that I had told him we could do it next weekend (which i didnt because I dont know my shifts or if we have childcare)

Yes, does he see you as being demanding, spoilt, always looking for 'more'?

Do you see yourself as demanding?

I know if I said to dh "I want XXX & XXX & XXX because I deserve a treat after working so hard..." He wouldn't really be that happy... but if I said "I'd really like to do something to mark my graduation, that spa I was at was lovely..."

DO you kwim? He really shouldn't have asked you who you thought you were, but maybe if you read between the lines you might be able to see how you have maybe been a teeny weency bit demanding?

Very well done mosschops! That is wonderful. Something to be very proud of!

I liked what Smugcolditz said, because it echoed what I felt about your situation. He wants to be the knight in shining armour, he doesn't feel comfortable with the new, accomplished you.

I can see what youre saying but as we had discussed going away to celebrate I felt it was a bit of a piss-take to decide to go out with the boys without offering an alternative.
I had said months ago lets celebrate my graduating together and do something nice so it wasnt as if i just pitched up on thursday and said 'right what are you getting me for my graduation'!

aah sally, well done to you chick. We should be so proud of what we've achieved its been a bloody long haul hasnt it? Cant believe I got a 2.1 its amazing. I should be used to having him shit on my parade. And Im sure I dont know what you mean by my demandingness
I didnt know things were that bad between you and your dh. Im sorry, hope things are better for you now.

I love him really, but I just never want to spoken to like that again. I dont mind arguing, i dont expect him to hang on my every word or agree with me. But just dont speak to me like that

So what are you going to do to make sure he doesn't? Because if you sweep this under the carpet, he will. It will become a non-issue.

He honest-to-goodness needs to be treated in a way that ensures he doesn't forget the way you reacted, a way he doesn't like. Currently he's punishing you, by withdrawing his attention, love, support and everything else that goes with being someone's husband. You, in his mind, have become the bad guy.

I suggest you phone his friends' wives in tears, saying you've got nobody to talk to and sorry to bother you but but but..... and spill the whole thing, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

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Well done, I'm about to start my degree and if I do as well as you I'll be over the moon!

Some people really seem to get a kick out of crapping in your sandwich. I know someone who got an Oxbridge first as a mature student mum and when she told her family they started a huge conversation about how the Daily Mail had said that degrees were so easy these days and everyone got top marks now. Easily known that none of them managed one. I'm so sorry that he's tarnished your happiness but don't let him belittle your achievement.

Could you insist on Relate again?

i do not think I would put up with this.

sounds like he has no respect for you at all.

I would take myself off and do what I wanted to do to celebrate my success and let him sort out the children/childcare etc and come back in a taxi having drunk too much!

That would show him!

LOL at me being a victim strawb but yes I know what youre saying and I dont want to sweep it away and for it to happen again.
Wow Dior, its sad isnt it, I'd hate to think I couldnt share someones joy like that. But i suppose some people are made like that and like you I get huge support from my parents and my friends which is more than enough i suppose. But sometimes you want it from that one person you love and share your life with. He did manage to txt and say well done, its finally over!

He hasnt even come home yet, when (if) he does I imagine he'll just go up to bed. Do I just leave it this weekend and carry on with my wonderful plans without addressing any issues

Tippychick, thats terrible about your friend why do people feel the need to belittle anothers success?

What degree are you doing? You will be fine. Me and sallystrawberry have had some real hairy 'cant do this' moments but here we are at the end of it good luck!

No, I think it'll eat away at you. He's pissed you off already so may as well have it out with him while he's so far in the wrong - that'll give you more clout.

Like my earlier post, mossy...

By VeniVidiVickiQV on Fri 05-Sep-08 19:33:22
Tell him to answer your question and you'll answer his.

Or, answer his question...

"no, I wouldnt speak to my mother like that. I know I say some hurtful things sometimes and I really dont mean to. I want to try to stop doing it. So, would you?"

Ultimately, he said some horrid things, and no, he shouldnt be allowed to just brush it under the carpet.

However, you dont want to get to a point where your positions are so polarised that you cant hear what each other are saying anymore. You might have to make the first concessive move in order to 'allow' him to back down and acknowledge his shortcomings.

thats true ss, I am losing sleep over the thought of work next week!! Did you say you still have a bit of time off yet?

Well vvvqv he's still not home and Im going to bed shortly so not much chance to discuss tonight, thats if he comes back!

Mosschops what you have achieved is amazing, congratulations. My daughter graduated last month after two traumatic years, the first was fine. We were so proud we celebrared with champagne on the lawn, (it was a bit posh), took her on a canal boat, (her choice) and went for a meal at night + she got a lovely ring. I just wanted her to remember it forever.

Would I end a relationship because of this? Yes. I did too - I divorced my repeatedly emotionally abusive ex husband.

If you go by womens aid's definition of domestic violence, emotional abuse is a form of this.

Emotional abuse is just as damaging if not more than physical violence.

Only you can decide what to do next of course. It's your marriage and I wouldn't dream of telling you what to do. I'm only stating my views on the issue and what I did.

Whatever you do decide I wish you all the happiness in the world and many, many congratulations on such an excellent result in your degree x

Whether he comes home or not, you're going to bed tonight a graduate!!!!

Do you have any pics?

I stuck one in my profile, just for a quick peek, and I can't tell you how good it felt to finally have it all over & done with!!

What is it you have a degree in? I know it;s nursing so is it a Bsc?

He wins every which way doesnt he?
1 Manages to make you feel small when you have done something amazing
2 Manages to make YOU out to be at fault
3 Manages to have a night out with the boys that he wanted all along while you stay in and babysit

Nasty piece of work

Have only read your 1st post Mosschops so
CONGRATULATIONS

He is an arse as I am sure you know at the moment and seems to be extremely jealous that you have achieved something so big.
Not defending him at all but does he have confidence issues or low self esteem?
My dh did and when feeling low he would try to make me feel crap to make him feel better.
He doesn't do it as much now simply because I don't bloody listen.
But if he ever spoke to me like that he would not be included in the celebration anyway.
Just celebrate with or without him, just leave it to him to decide if he wants to be a decent husband by swallowing pride and being pleased for you. Don't bring it up again this weekend and let it ruin it for you xxxx

Oh Mosschops, this rings so many bells with me and I havent even begun studying yet. I posted a while ago about my H and his attitude to me going back to university. His comment about pissing around at uni is EXACTLY what my h said to me while telling me I could expect no financial support from him and if he wanted to go on expensive holidays, join expensive healthclubs and buy nice clothes that I couldnt afford myself then he would because I was spending 3 years "pissing about at uni".

He sounds bloody jealous to me. I dread to think what my H will be like when I actually get to your stage - What an achievement btw, well done!

Is there also an element of jealousy of you being the "special one" perhaps because you have achieved so much and it is supposed to be about you for a while. My H will do anything to cause a row with me on any day that is supposed to be special for me eg birthday, mothers day etc. Hates anyone else being the centre of attention so tries to take the shine off.

Going to read the whole thread now, just read your first couple of posts and couldnt believe the similarity.