Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so angry/upset with dh that I could strangle him with my bare hand .......????

153 replies

mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 18:07

Some of you will know the story. Today I graduated with a 2:1 degree in nursing yay .
Have been telling him for months we should do something to celebrate and was planning a night away tomorrow but we could get childcare, and he then said this week 'so you dont mind if I go to the rugby with the boys then'

said that yes I did mind and that whether we celebrate with a 5* resort or a meal for us and the kids in a harvester doesnt matter, it should be a celebration (thanks ruby for that )

So last night i said if he wanted to go out with the boys I was going to go to the health club in the afternoon and have a couple of spa treatments (£35) and maybe he could treat me to those.

Cue massive rant from him including lovely lines such as 'you fucking disgust me, the way you expect to be paid something for getting your degree' and also 'who the fuck do you think you are' etc etc. In the end he had me in tears and I said I hated him.

My best friend this morning sent me a mahoosive bouquet of flowers which almost reduced me to tears because it was such a lovely gesture, she also asked us to go out as a family on sunday to celebrate.

So am I in the wrong here, expecting something (dh says I shouldnt expect anything). His defence is that I had told him we could do it next weekend (which i didnt because I dont know my shifts or if we have childcare)

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2008 19:19

When he says that phrase, what do you say? How do you respond?

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 19:21

There are no other factors, he's a good father, good provider, works hard, doesnt drink excessively (rarely in fact), has never raised a hand to me (i would never ever stand for that and he knows it), i know that if anything happens he will help me no matter how much he hates me at the time.

We did go to relate and she did raise some questions about his experiences of praise as a child, he brushed over them and refuses to see she was trying to make a point. He wouldnt go after 5 sessions, said he knew how it worked and it was a waste of time.

Im not too worried about him not 'treating' me although yes i did 'expect' something! However what I cant get to grips with is the way he spoke to me, and yes youre all right it does need addressing. But how, without it descending into another row?

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 19:22

vvvqv normally something lame like 'im talking to you'.
What can you reply to a statement like that? Who says things like that? I dont know?

OP posts:
AccipeHoc · 05/09/2008 19:25

Does anybody remember the thread by the girl whose partner thought she deserved less takeaway than he did?

It seems like this to me. He may be a good father and earn money, but he clearly views himself as more important.

Which is not at all uncommon in relationships, even in 2008. It is bascially why I left my own x. A lot of reasons I guess, but at the heart of it all he saw my worth as less than his own.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2008 19:26

Well, choose a time to discuss it when things are calm.

Ask him if he'd speak to his mother like that, or, in fact if he'd allow someone to speak to his mother like that?

Ask him if he thinks its acceptable for someone to speak to the mother of his children like that.

Ask him how it would make him feel if someone he loved spoke to him like that. Ask him how he thinks it makes you feel to be spoken to like that. You need to make it tangible for him. He can only see "his side" at the moment.

Acknowledge your faults without a "but".
Compromise.
Make promises to not say the things that upset you both.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2008 19:28

A nullifying or displacing statement.

"i'm talking to the man I love more than anything".

"I'm talking to the father of my children".

"I'm talking to the man who finds the mother of his children "disgusting""

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 19:30

he would never speak to his mother like that, although he did tell them not to come to the wedding if they didnt want to (they were being arses about it) so I give him a mark for that one.

Dont you remember my thread a few years back when one of dh's friends abused me at a wedding, we were shouting in each others faces before dh's brother said 'are you going to let him speak to her like that' and he broke it up. And yes I still havent forgiven him for that.

I really think that he will just counter it with 'would you speak to your mother the way you speak to me', 'would you speak to someone you love like that'

I really need to come out of this argument with a sorry, I dont think he's been so nasty i wouldve rather him say 'you are a money grabbing, spoilt bitch' than what he actually said

OP posts:
BreeVanderCampLGJ · 05/09/2008 19:31

Mosschops

Bloody well done.

This is not the first time that you have posted re his emotional shortcomings.

Correct me if I am wrong, but did I read somewhere that he has agreed to you trying for another baby ??

If I am right, I would run a mile from that scenario for now, as he will have you right back where he needs you.

At home and dependent.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 19:31

I like your style vvvqv, wanna come and stay at my house for a week and teach me how to argue properly

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2008 19:33

Tell him to answer your question and you'll answer his.

Or, answer his question...

"no, I wouldnt speak to my mother like that. I know I say some hurtful things sometimes and I really dont mean to. I want to try to stop doing it. So, would you?"

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 19:34

BVCLGJ, yes its probably not the first time I have posted about his emotional shortcomings.
And yes after a spectacularly bad year for us relationship wise things were great, we had a few days away in Italy together for a friends wedding, then a holiday with the dc's then another friends wedding.
As things were so great we decided that No. 3 would be nice.

Agree deffo on hold for now

OP posts:
Habbibu · 05/09/2008 19:35

Congratulations, mosschops. Am very sad at your DH's attitude - it does sound rather insecure to me, and just intolerably rude. I can not imagine being spoken to like that. It is not right at all. I hope you manage to resolve this.

dittany · 05/09/2008 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WallOfSilence · 05/09/2008 19:40

Hi, Congratulations!!

Did you actually graduate today or did you learn your results today? If it was your graduation ceremony did he go too?

I graduated in June & my dh was there.

Now I know your dh shouldn't have spoken to you in this way but I'm going to try & see why he did...

Do you think he is just fed up of hearing how hard you have been working the past 3 years? And maybe he thinks you want more praise than he got when he did his degree?

It's hard to understand, but I do remember in my first year leading up to my exams dh & I had the most awful row, I left in the car & didn't come home for hours.... he had just got fed up listening to me moaning about how hard everything was.

I know exactly when you have been through though & even though I went out for a meal after graduation with dh & my sister & BIL I couldn't help the feeling of anti-climax I got, wondering 'is this it?'

VeniVidiVickiQV · 05/09/2008 19:41

LOL! I quite like being a referee..........

I'm not called a "smartarse" for nothing you know

DH and I have had some stonking rows before now. I've learnt a valuable lesson.

Try and turn things into a positive. ie dont go with "x, y and z and you are wrong". 9 times out of 10 the other person in an argument/discussion will mirror your behaviour/reaction - you bend - they bend..thus...
DONT go with 'tit for tat'.
Apologise if you need to - irrespective of whether you are owed one too.
Dont go down the route of questions being answered with questions ie "would you talk to your mother like that?.....would you talk to your mother like that?"

WallOfSilence · 05/09/2008 19:44

Are you the same poster whose mum was paying for holidays? And your dh didn't want to go? (this may have been last year..)

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 19:46

but how do i counteract those questions answered with questions?

wallofsilence - you are probably right about some things, I have moaned continually about how hard things are and I suppose if youre in a stressful job from morning til night and your other (student) half is moaning, you probably think 'oh shut up and get a proper job'. But that should only be in those moments and not the general feeling about your partner.
I never thought I'd achieve anything like this, I did far better than I expected (was never academic at school) and was the first person in my year to get a job (ive had a job since february even though we only graduated today).

I know it sounds a bit spoilt and a bit 'me me me' but i do feel like he should be doing something more than he has

OP posts:
Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 19:47

the very same wall of silence

OP posts:
nametaken · 05/09/2008 19:52

Mosschops, just to try and see the over point of view - is it at all possible that you have got an over-inflated sense of entitlement, or rather, that thats how your dp sees it. Do you think he thinks you're demanding a night out and a day in a spa, without giving him a chance to offer something. What I mean is, have you been a bit demanding only you know for sure, I'm not saying you are.

Oh, and no I would leave my dp over a nasty verbal outburst. Me and dh regularly have huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge barnies - I'm certainly not gonna deprive my kids of a dad just because he said something nasty that pissed me off.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 19:56

oh i admit to being totally demanding its my trademark

however, after we couldnt go away, he arranged a night out with the boys, without asking if i fancied a meal out with the dc's. When I said I thought it was a bit out of order and said could we go out, his reply was 'looks like' which is when I decided to celebrate myself with some pampering and asked if he wanted to pay for it as my treat and he could then go out with the boys in the night.

One poster said 'you werent asked for a week in Bermuda' so not that demanding I dont think

OP posts:
Eilatan · 05/09/2008 19:56

jealous?

RubyRioja · 05/09/2008 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
mosschops30 · 05/09/2008 20:08

like what ruby??

OP posts:
Gettingagrip · 05/09/2008 20:34

My exH did this to me. I had a full-on, full time job, two small children, did a degree, came top of the year, won a prize etc etc

knocked myself out to not take time away from the family while I was doing it....paid my share of the house stuff and so on.

He refused to come to the degree ceremony. His family who lived very close to us never even mentioned it!

Made me feel as though I had spent all that time doing something wicked!!!!

I left him last year!!!! He was emotionally abusive...although I had no name for what he did until I left and found my true self on my own.

Good job I got that degree....I can keep my family now.

Well done to you...you should be very proud of yourself. Don't let him spoil it.

x

ScottishMummy · 05/09/2008 20:34

tell dh you were so cross you posted to a bunch of strangers who told you to leave him