Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that mumsnet is causing the arguments

110 replies

beanieb · 03/09/2008 10:36

The situation is this:
There are 2 of us living in the house and we are trying for kids.

I do the bulk of the washing, ironing, tidying in the house.

I also make 50% or more of the mess.

We both work full time.

When I say Ironing I basically don't iron much except for when I need things but I do get the ironing board out on a Sunday and make sure there are 5 shirts ironed for my OH for the week. If I didn't then my OH would do one in the morning before work. It's no skin off my nose and I don't resent it at all, it's part of my routine.

Cooking is mostly my job and even though the OH asks 'can I help' I rarely accept. He cooks lovely food a few times a month.

I almost always wash up - usually the next morning.

I tend to do all the clothes washing and hanging out, we both tidy the house.

In short we do the bare minimum of housework, tending to let things slide and then have a manic clear up but I am more pro-active when it starts to look like a shithole and I am more likely to do little things as I go along.

Anyway - since I joined mumsnet I have been having 'episodes' where I get frustrated by the amount I am doing, yet I never take help when it is offered.

I think it's mumsnet's fault for putting ideas into my head that I should be unhappy with what I choose to do and as a result I keep sulking about it.

AIBU to blame it on mumsnet?

OP posts:
Original poster
beanieb · 03/09/2008 10:37

OH -PS - if we do have kids and I go back to work I would expect more 'help'.

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 03/09/2008 10:37

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 03/09/2008 10:37

Message withdrawn

bethoo · 03/09/2008 10:38

if you are happy with the current situation dont let others opinions mar that.

zippitippitoes · 03/09/2008 10:39

welll take help when offered especially if he is good at cooking and likes it

and he could iron his own shirts on sunday or in the am

or just carry on as you have been

Original poster
beanieb · 03/09/2008 10:40

so it's not mumsnet's fault that I have become more resentful about the equal split of household duties?

OP posts:
poppy34 · 03/09/2008 10:40

if you're happy then don't get distracted. I would say that imho babies don't always mean sudden miraculous change in dp behaviour at home so it may be worth tackling now or mentioning rather than when you are trying to deal with pregnancy/newborn.

HeadFairy · 03/09/2008 10:40

I wouldn't blame it on mumsnet, if you didn't feel the ideas about sharing housework etc you read on here were valid would you just not ignore them?

CatIsSleepy · 03/09/2008 10:41

am with cod
in our house if you cook you don't wash up
(although dh has been known to take pity on me if am snoring on sofa and will wash up as well even if he has cooked)
he irons his own shirts too
have recently nagged him into helping me more with the washing

why don't you take help when it's offered?

CatIsSleepy · 03/09/2008 10:42

but it's not an equal split is it?

Original poster
beanieb · 03/09/2008 10:43

catissleepy - our kitchen is very small and I get irritated easily. I like to be in control. On the other hand I do all the washing up. Once I came home and it had been done. I was shocked, turned out it wasn't him who did it

He paid his brother!

Whould I start a rota?

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 03/09/2008 10:43

There are absolutely no rules about how the labour in a family is divided except that it should be as fair and equal as possible.

If you want to iron your DH's shirts, that's absolutely fine. If he wants to, that's fine too. If neither of you want to, you must pay someone else to do it.

And if you both insist on ironing his shirts, you must take turns

zippitippitoes · 03/09/2008 10:43

actually calling oit help means that it is your job in the first place

if you haven tstarted cooking and he offers then its not help he is offering to do your job it is saying ill cook

well if he said it like that would you not just say lovely what are we having

Original poster
beanieb · 03/09/2008 10:44

sorry - I meant about it not being an equal split. Though it's largely my fault for not accepting help.

OP posts:
CatIsSleepy · 03/09/2008 10:44

our kitchen is small too
but as am not in it when dh is washing up it's not a problem

HaventSleptForAYear · 03/09/2008 10:45

I would sort this now because it will only get worse once you have a baby (ime!).

We shared 50/50 before having children but then moved to a bigger house with a garden and now I do most of the indoor things and DH most of the outdoor stuff.

I hate this "non-feminist" division of labour (DH is never idle but it grates on me doing all the traditional women's jobs).

But if it doesn't annoy you doing it then leave it.

We find it easier if one person is responsible for sth (I do the normal washing, DH washes the nappies) totally.

Otherwise you just end up "asking for help" or nagging/reminding, especially if you are more conscientious (sp?)

ClairePO · 03/09/2008 10:46

beanie I get annoyed when DP invades my kitchen too. He comes and says 'is there anything I can do to help?' stands in front of the fridge when I want to be in the fridge, stands in front of the sink when I need to use the sink etc. I can quite understand the not taking help when offered thing.

Don't start a rota, you'll just get annoyed when it doesn't work out. Just tell him from now on he can wash up if you cook.

FioFio · 03/09/2008 10:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

zippitippitoes · 03/09/2008 10:49

am thinking what sort of mindset ends up as

thinks

i really feel like ironing for husband/partner

or do i feel like a coffee and a read on the sofa

Shoshe · 03/09/2008 10:49

See we have the opposite rule, if you cook you wash up, 9or load the dishwasher in our case) basically because if DH cooks (and does most of the time) he chops things and puts them in little bowls, uses every pan in the house, and generally covers every surface. (Does taste good tho)

If I cook, I use the bare minimum, and clear up as I go

CatIsSleepy · 03/09/2008 10:51

can honestly say I never feel like ironing

HaventSleptForAYear · 03/09/2008 10:51

I usually do iron DH's clothes if I'm doing a pile of ironing.

It seems a bit childish to separate out his washing and put it on one side, especially if it's just a t-shirt or something.

But then I wouldn't do 5 shirts in a row - if the wash has a lot of his stuff in it I will set up the ironing board, do my stuff and then ask him whether he wants to do his while it's up.

doggiesayswoof · 03/09/2008 10:51

He won't suddenly start doing more after you have a baby. Change things now if you are not happy.

Unfair to reject his offers and then feel disgruntled imo

We have a tiny kitchen too. We work things so we are not both in there at the same time... I cook, he does dishes etc

FWIW I am on mat leave just now and I do not iron for dh - he does his own

HaventSleptForAYear · 03/09/2008 10:52

And DH isn't sitting on the sofa with a paper while I iron - he always doing some other job while I monopolise the TV.

TheCrackFox · 03/09/2008 10:56

just to let you know that if you do have DCs in the future then the housework will not double but multiply by about 100. If you think you have problems now then sort them out now, because having a baby is not a magic wand.