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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be feeling more than a bit depressed about this email from an old friend?

58 replies

RebelMum72 · 01/09/2008 20:23

Quick background: went to college together, were very close for years, then we sort of fell out because I couldn't come to her wedding two years ago. Since then, we started tentatively emailing again about a year ago, and things had been going fine until I didn't hear anything for a couple of months, so I called and left a message for her. Got an email in reply this evening, and the bit I'm upset about is the following:

"A lot has happened to me in the last couple of months, it?s been difficult but it is getting easier. I feel that perhaps you would like to begin to resume our friendship? For me personally ? now is not the right time, I have things that I need to do first for myself. I hope you can understand this. When that time comes to hook up again, I do trust it will suit us both. "

There's just no hope any more, the friendship is dead and buried as far as she's concerend, isn't it?

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 01/09/2008 20:26

let her go.

you can walk away with a good conscience.

you tried.

RubySlippers · 01/09/2008 20:26

she hasn't said that - she had said she is in a bad place

for all you know something awful could have happened

TBH, just get on with things and if she does get in touch then great and if not ... well sad as it is when a friendship ends sometimes they just run their course

Carmenere · 01/09/2008 20:28

She sounds like a snotty cow, if a 'friend' of mine sent me an email like that I would delete her contact details.

Carmenere · 01/09/2008 20:30

Ok I might have been hasty I missed the bit about her having a difficult couple of months, I thought it was extended bridezilla syndrome. just reply and say that you will be happy to see her when she is ready.

squeaver · 01/09/2008 20:31

Do you know what's been going on with her in the last couple of months? [nosy]

She has an odd turn of phrase "I do trust it will suit us both"

PavlovtheCat · 01/09/2008 20:33

This happened to me, on the reverse.

My mum had just died at the point that I resumed a friendship with an old friend. It was just the wrong time to make an effort in new things/new relationships.

We are now in touch again.

I would not be too offended, think there could be reasons outside your or her control and just let her get on with things. If she is ever ready to tell you what has gone on, that may happen. And it may be that if/when that happens you are no longer ready to continue your friendship, thats just how things go sometimes.

Original poster

RebelMum72 · 01/09/2008 20:34

I'm sort of caught between those two extremes - thinking well, something bad has probably happened, so fair enough that she doesn't want to "resume our friendship" - but then on the other hand, isn't that one of the things that you have friends for?? To help out through the bad times? In the past, I've been there for her through some of the worst things. She has always been rather senstive though, and a bit of a drama queen too, so I can't tell if this is her still being upset about the stupid wedding thing and playing the I've-been-so-hurt card, or if this is genuine and she really just can't cope with this right now...
And I'm still sad to have lost a friend I've known for such a long time - new friends are great and everything, but there's no-one else who went through college with me, who shares those particular memories...I'm really upset by it all.

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MsHighwater · 01/09/2008 20:34

It doesn't sound like she definitely intends to shut the door on your relationship though it does seem that she doesn't see you as someone she wants to turn to during whatever difficult time she is currently having.

I'd leave it be until and unless she contacts you herself. Then see what she has to say.

Spink · 01/09/2008 20:34

Well, her tone is a bit formal which makes her sound a little cold.. but how would you feel about emailing back and saying, hope it works out for you, I'll leave it to you to get in touch when it's a better time for you?
If you don't hear from her again, you've not lost anything, but you've left the door open in case she's actually being honest.
Depends how much you value her friendship I guess.
post-college friendships do this wax and wane thing, don't they, or is there more to it?

tigermoth · 01/09/2008 20:34

Perhaps your friend means she is in no position to make arrangements to meet you right now as she is under lots of stress, but when things are calmer, you and her can get together? ie what she really means by 'resuming your friendship' is 'making plans to meet'

It might just be unfortunate wording, especially if she is stressed.

However, I'd let things be for now and let her make the next move.

Thefearlessfreak · 01/09/2008 20:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Original poster

RebelMum72 · 01/09/2008 20:36

No, don't know what's been going on, but have been driving myself mad imagining all sorts of dreadful things. Was actually relieved to hear her voice on the answering machine confirming she was still alive!!

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MascaraOHara · 01/09/2008 20:37

I think it depends on what happened originally... If you 'snubbed' her wedding I would maybe send a card wishing her well and telling her that you would love to hear from her as soon as she feels able and that meanwhile if there's anything you can do etc

if she got the hump because you couldn't get to her wedding for any other reason that I think you'd be best dropping her anyway!

Backgammon · 01/09/2008 20:37

Was she right to be hurt about the wedding? Personally someone being unable to attend my wedding wouldn't be a big deal if there was a genuine reason.

PavlovtheCat · 01/09/2008 20:38

Rebel - it depends I guess. I did not want anyone around me, not even my closest friends. My personal way of dealing with it. My very closest friends understood that, and where there whether I liked it or not!

Maybe, as it is clealy upsetting you, ask her directly if you have done something to upset her, or if it is the past between you? I don't feel you should rub her ego, but it might be worth genuinely finding out. If she is a drama queen and is being so about this, if you find that out, you can act accordingly, depending on how much you value the friendship after that...

Maybe she has other things going on?

Maybe she is genuinely hurt? Did you talk about not going to her wedding, how she felt, the reasons why? Did you feel this was ever resolved?

AnotherFineMess · 01/09/2008 20:38

Had a similar situation with an old school friend - but it was the other way around and we got in touch again when I was going through some difficult family situations. I said something along her lines (but worded better - smug!) because I really valued her and wanted to put the effort in to get back to what we had, but knew I hadn't got the time or energy.

Might she be saying that in a roundabout way?

Ally90 · 01/09/2008 20:39

She's in therapy....

harpomarx · 01/09/2008 20:40

she does sound like she's in a bad place but not shutting the door on your friendship as such, just having trouble communicating, for whatever reason.

I would probably send a one liner back along the lines of 'ok, sorry to hear this, let me know if you ever want to talk'

that way you're leaving it open for her to contact you again and letting her know that you would like to able to help her if that's what she would like.

suey2 · 01/09/2008 20:44

totally agree with ally90. Classic therapyspeak. She has probably been told by her therapist to steer clear until she sorts some shit out.

Original poster

RebelMum72 · 01/09/2008 20:45

The whole wedding thing was stupid, I admit that I handled it badly, but I didn't guess that she would be so upset.
Basically, it started with her telling me I wasn't involved enough with the wedding plans (which started two years before the wedding). I should point out that I do not live in the UK, so it was not really practical for me to be "involved" in any way other than calls to discuss things and stuff like that.
About a year before the big day, I was made redundant, which was, as you can imagine, quite a difficult time for me. She was having none of it though, and berated me again for not showing enough enthusism for her wedding.
And then the final straw came when I had to tell her that my husband wouldn't be able to come to the wedding, but that the positive side of this was that I could afford to fly over for her hen night (two weeks before the wedding) as well as the big day.
I think that was the last time she spoke to me. I sent emails explaining that I didn't mean to hurt her or upset her, but she was both hurt and upset and I couldn't do anyting about it.
Since then, we've both had a ds each, and that was sort of what had started us emailing again. I'd thought things were going quite well.

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Original poster

RebelMum72 · 01/09/2008 20:47

Oh my goodness, I'd never even thought of the therapy thing, but you could be right, that would be a very typical thing for her to do...
I'd like to write something more positive than just "fine, get in touch when you're ready" - I want her to know that our friendship really does/did mean a lot to me.

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wheresthehamster · 01/09/2008 20:48

I'd do what spink said but send by post. There's something about emails that you can't trust. I mean you never know who the writer is, especially if the wording sounds a bit strange. Not that I'm a suspicious sort of course!

suey2 · 01/09/2008 20:50

are you sure she isn't bipolar?

Original poster

RebelMum72 · 01/09/2008 20:51

@wheresthehamster - funny you should say that, I'd actually noticed that the spelling in the email was not at all like her usual emails ie there weren't any mistakes at all [conspiracy theory smilie]

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Original poster

RebelMum72 · 01/09/2008 20:55

[scurries off to look up "bipolar" as not at all up-to-date with such terminology
]

She might be. It wouldn't surprise me at all. She had one dreadful episode in her life when I seriously thought she'd gone mad (as in deranged, delusional etc).

I'm making her sound bizarre and awful, when actually she's a warm, friendly, funny and lovely woman who I was proud to be friends with.

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