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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be feeling more than a bit depressed about this email from an old friend?

58 replies

RebelMum72 · 01/09/2008 20:23

Quick background: went to college together, were very close for years, then we sort of fell out because I couldn't come to her wedding two years ago. Since then, we started tentatively emailing again about a year ago, and things had been going fine until I didn't hear anything for a couple of months, so I called and left a message for her. Got an email in reply this evening, and the bit I'm upset about is the following:

"A lot has happened to me in the last couple of months, it?s been difficult but it is getting easier. I feel that perhaps you would like to begin to resume our friendship? For me personally ? now is not the right time, I have things that I need to do first for myself. I hope you can understand this. When that time comes to hook up again, I do trust it will suit us both. "

There's just no hope any more, the friendship is dead and buried as far as she's concerend, isn't it?

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 01/09/2008 20:55

The bottom line is you can't make someone be your friend if they don't want to. And pushing for closure or explanations can often make you look a bit desperate or stalkerish, or, if the reluctant person is really having a hard time, be interpreted as harassment and put them right off ever having any further contact with you.
I agree with all the posters who suggest sending a message along the lines of 'OK, hope things are better soon and get in touch if you feel like it'.

greenandpleasant · 01/09/2008 20:56

RebelMum - was going to say agree with Pavlov and Spink (well still do agree with them!) and having been through something similar in reverse, if you're going through something bad sometimes there just isn't enough energy to start up with old friendships again. BUT having read your post about why you fell out over her wedding, sounds like you're better off without. I mean really, not being "involved" with wedding plans 2 YEARS before, then being able to do hen and wedding not enough? walk away - or do as Spink suggests first and then you have the moral high ground.

TheNaughtiestGirlIsaMonitor · 01/09/2008 20:58

You can cross her off your christmas card list with a clear conscience. Excellent. What a result.

I've had to let a few friends go too. We've all had to do. People do grow apart. Old friends sometimes find it hard to accept that you have turned out one way rather than their way... Or, you can have nothing to talk about anymore.

It's natural. Now you have more time for new friends who you will LIKE!

expatinscotland · 01/09/2008 20:59

she sounds nippy and high maintenance.

just leave it.

don't bother contacting her anymore.

walk away.

sounds like you were the one doing all the work here, anyhow.

Original poster
RebelMum72 · 01/09/2008 20:59

I like the idea about sending something in the post, and I'm going to do that tomorrow, so thanks to all who suggested that.

I think it might be depressing me more than it usually would because it's my birthday tomorrow and I'm sort of thinking about my life and Big Stuff like that.

Anyway, thanks for the responses, this has really helped, you lot are great

OP posts:
squeaver · 01/09/2008 21:03

It's sad when you lose a friend but it sounds like you have done everything you could (esp. over the wedding business - total Bridezilla behaviour on her part).

So don't beat yourself up about it. Enjoy your birthday!

suey2 · 01/09/2008 21:03

sounds classic. Bipolar was called manic depression but was renamed. Often they will have a psychotic episode some time between teenage and around 30 years old. Then they go into a cycle of highs and lows. When high, they can be fantastic fun and the life and soul. When low, it can get so bad they don't want to leave the house. They are usually very intense and often bright / creative. They often show no symptoms before the psychotic episode. They can also be very selfish.

Monkeytrousers · 01/09/2008 21:06

I would take at her at her word. People have shit to deal with in life. She's being honest and has not rejected you. YABU

suey2 · 01/09/2008 21:10

but what is the solution?
I would write a very short note as has been mentioned before, but keep it very brief

Spink · 01/09/2008 21:18

Blimey with the bipolar diagnoses!! - the worst thing you can do is make assumptions - what if she isn't being manipulative/drama queeny etc etc and is just being straight - she's having a shit time and can't manage being in touch?

Rebelmum, have a lush birthday! and hope things work out with your friend.

Janni · 01/09/2008 21:23

If I received that email and I wanted to stay in touch with her, I would quickly email back saying I was sorry she was having a hard time and did she feel she could tell me about it? I would then say that I hoped things were about to get a bit easier, that I sent her lots of love and that I really looked forward to hearing from her.

puffling · 01/09/2008 21:27

Janni's suggestion is probably the right one. However, I'd be tempted to just leave it. She sounds a little odd.

PeppermintPatty · 01/09/2008 21:28

suey2 - I don't think you can go around diagnosing people with a serious mental illness just from one email.

GColdtimer · 01/09/2008 21:33

I'd do it what Janni said. And perhaps you could add that her friendship does mean a lot to you and that you hope at some point in the future you can resume it. And then just leave it at that.

rubyloopy · 02/09/2008 08:59

Message withdrawn

mm22bys · 02/09/2008 09:01

I agree with Janni, you were close, but haven't been recently, so I wouldn't expect to know what has been going in her life, and as other pps have said, it could be hideous.

It sounds like down the track she may want to get in touch again, the ball is firmly in her court now, but I wouldn't cut her out of your life as you don't know what has happened. Some people do "isolate" themselves when times are tough, and come out of hibernation when they feel able to cope with the world again

I would give her the benefit of the doubt...

Anna8888 · 02/09/2008 09:03

Actually, I think your friend's email was extremely reasonable. Send her an email back, thank her for her honesty, and say that you will leave the ball in her court but will be happy to hear from her when she is ready.

FioFio · 02/09/2008 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Elasticwoman · 02/09/2008 10:01

She sounds unfriendly and demanding to me.

Unreasonable to expect some one to be "involved" in her wedding plans.

Why should she care whether your dh comes to her wedding or not?

Why should she take offence because dh - who lives abroad - refuses a wedding invitation? There will always be people who refuse a wedding invitation and it's paranoid to take it as an insult.

And then to talk about whether or not to resume a friendship which has been going on through email for quite a while, is at least very rude and at most, bizarre.

MrsPankhurst · 02/09/2008 10:56

Do you know what difficulties she has been going through? If she has been having a dreadful time, then I quite understand her wanting a bit of space while she grieves/recovers/whatever before resuming your friendship. I really wouldn't take offence - instead reply nicely and say that you are sorry that she has had a rough time, that you hope she gets better soon, and that you'd love to hear from her when she is able to contact you again.

umberella · 02/09/2008 11:47

agree with janni

VictorianSqualor · 02/09/2008 12:06

I agree with Anna and Ally90.

I have just recently got back in contact with two old but very special friends. There was a time when I had to just be me, and I didn't have the brain pace to have friends, especially not ones that I had issues to work through with.

Now I'm in a much better place I have recontacted them and just explained that things were hard at the time. Thankfully they were accepting of that and totally understood.

I'd email her letting her know you value her friendship, are there if she needs you and hope she doesn't leave it too long before getting in contact. She'll appreciate it and you'll know you've done the best thing.

ForeverOptimistic · 02/09/2008 12:23

It sounds like she in a crisis.

I would email her and say that you respect her wishes, you are sorry to hear that she is going through a difficult time right now and let her know that you are here if she needs any support.

suey2 · 02/09/2008 15:28

fair enough peppermintpatty/ spink, i was just suggesting that mental illness may be a possibility: and the way she put her message was very therapy speak.

I hope she hasn't and is just going through a hard time- but given the furore over the wedding and the past serious episode I do think that mental illness is a possiblity. If the op does read up on bipolar disorders (extremely common) as a result of my post, it can only help if the relationship continues to be difficult and she at least may be able to understand why she takes a particular stance.

I have personal experience of this

silvercrown · 02/09/2008 15:35

Sounds like she views you more of an acquaintance than a true friend - someone that she perhaps isn't totally comfortable around anymore - I truly believe that when you're going throguh a rough time you need your friends there to support you. If you want to keep the friendship alive all you have to do is e-mail back saying ok when you feel the time is right and sorry to hear you're going through a rough time and then leave it. She may never contact you again and if so - so be it. It's a sad part of life that sometimes people just cut contact (even when they've been incredibly close) and you have no idea what you did/said wrong. I had a close friend who couldn't come to my wedding but I understood it was a way to travel but after that everytime I tried to contact her she ignored me so I gave up in the end. When we were younger I'd said I was never getting married ever and I think she basically felt I was a hypocrite for going back on that !!!!!

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