to be driven nuts by friends who pander to their dc's unreasonable requests?

[deaconblue]

examples from different friends recently
child 1 "I want to wash the baby's neck"
me "sorry darling but dd has a sore neck so only I can wash it"
her mother "don't worry darling you can wash mummy's neck instead"

child 2 " I want to get in the baby's buggy"
me "sorry but she's only just gone to sleep so you can't get in the buggy with her"
his mother "can he get in and I'll push it around so she doesn't wake up"
me "umm no"

By tootidy on Sun 24-Aug-08 23:15:35
"remember who pays your wages. "

How rude. I was speaking as a parent too. This is why so many people in the childcare industry are disgruntled with parents who leave their kids with us but treat us like crap. Cheer.

not as rude as comming on here and slagging them of. if you don't like the parents fine, but it is not your job to judge them.

awww your ds3 sounds like a real sweety!

Shiatsu sounds like a brill idea....friend of mine is trained in giving shiatzu massage aswell as reiki...and it is a coold experience

"if you don't like the parents fine, but it is not your job to judge them."

Everyone judges, everyone else.

2shoes - that is why op posted!ffs

tootidy...surely in your job parents and their kids kind of come as a package....
and like 2shoes said...you shouldn't judge to easily....as a parent you should understand that the reltionship between a parent and child is very different to the proffessional relationship between a child and their childcare provider

I had shiatsu and was ill for ages afterwards (I think I needed more, and it was because I was so blinking stressed- that one session released everything then just made me ill!).

It does give lovely deep pressure though which ds1 craves. And it's only since writing the last few messages that I've realised that the painful crushing of me that he has been doing for months has stopped since we started shiatsu (not completely but down by about 95%). Hmm - instead he backs into me and seems to want me to give him shiatsu (the practitioner is showing me where to apply pressure to him).

Wow. That's pretty good actually!

3 and no more - as I said op posted because people judge each other all the time. I don't care about the parents - only the child. parents over - pandering can effect my relationship with a charge. Over pandering really gets on my nerves.

I am bowing out beacuse as I have seen on other mumsnet threads, people who work with children are supposed to have no opinion abou their charges parents and if they do how awful to actually voice them!
I think that alot of people think that they pay our wages therefore we are they rule the roost. I will always do what is best for the child - I care about the children not the fragile egos of some parents. Maybe all childcare workers should'know their place????'[hmm} Just remember without us working our rears off alot of you parents who critise could not go to work. please think before undermining us.And stop pandering to your kids.

but what is over pandering?
Surely that is a matter of opinion?

The relationship between a parent and a carer is totally different and hence tootidy, I respect that you consider not putting a coat on one of your charges in the Winter is not on. I most certainly wouldn't rage at my child for not wanting to wear one whilst running around though. It probably has a lot to do with DD1 sweats a hell of a lot so she must be uncomfortable. I would however make her wear one if we were simply walking to the shops and it was freezing.

The worst worst exaple ever I say of 'pandering' was before I had ds. I was at a meeting in someone's home, and there were not enough chairs for all the adults in the room, so the dad went and got some cushions from his son's bedroom for people to sit on. The son, 4 came in and saw these grownups sitting on his cushions and started yelling 'They're MY cuchions, MIIIIIIIINE!!!!' Dad calmly asks five adults to all stand up, and returns all the cushions to the boy's room, and we all had to sit on the floor.

My mouth fell open.

I don't think most parents raise their children with the primary goal of making a childminder's job easier actually.

The egotists.

This is a mad thread .

1st one no problem, I think its a good distraction technique

2nd one no way!

When my DD was about 4 months I took her swimming and a little girl of about 8 asked if she could hold her (in the water!!). OK, so worst case scenario she would drop her and I would get her back out prompto but no way!! Her mother looked at me disapprovingly as the little girl got upset!

I'm with you there Anna...

Life is a permanent negotiation to both keep the peace and move forward.

Anna. V wise. I'm with you on that.

Here is an interesting one: my friend's 3.9 yr old woke up at 3am demanding to watch DVDs. She let him watch them til 6am then could not get him up for preschool the next day and was shattered when she went to work. She spent 3 hours in the wee hours of the morning listening to her child shrieking with laughter while watching tv, and changing DVDs etc for him when they were finished.

I think that the whole issue of pandering / saying no/ giving in/ etc etc all comes down to whether you want a child led home or an adult led home. Sometimes I give in, sometimes I don't. I am consistent with the things that count (you will walk on the pavement and not in the road) and less stringent with others (if you do not want to put your shoes on, then you will have to walk without shoes because I will not be carrying you.) My LO has a choice albeit a limited one, and he must learn that there are consequences with choices made.

I' m with the 'pick your battles' brigade on this one.

It may depend on the child too though. I'll have to reassess when DS2 gets a bit older perhaps, but at the moment, having 'given in' every now and again to my now 3yr old, I think it's the right thing to do.

He's a calm, considerate little boy who knows his very strict boundaries, but also knows he can explore and make decisions about things important in his own life.

Now, of course, when I say important, I mean important to him.... as a 3yr old. A could not give a rat's ass if he wants to eat his lunch from three different bowls, or have two straws, or wear pink socks with yellow sandals(!)
Where it matters, I am VERY firm, ie with bedtimes, or with wearing his shoes, where there is possible danger, manners, behaviour towards others etc....

Give and take. We do it with adults, we do it with children too.

(---But then, he has always listened to reason and explanations, so perhaps its ALL just nature, and none of my nurture(!))

kind of x-posted with numberfour, and agree whole-heartedly.

I think there is a distinction though between sticking to a no and picking your battles before you say no. Many posts seem to think that they are one and the same, whereas they're very different and I do think that both approaches should be used.

I have no problem in saying that I do pick my battles. If my DD wants to do something, I will give my usual response of (let me think or maybe), think it through and then give an answer. If there is no major reason why not, then most times I will say yes. (Although DD1 knows that if she keeps on then that maybe will become a no!)

But once I have said 'no' then the answer is no and there is no changing that. I will not back down and set very clear boundaries. But then, that is usually because I have thought about it and decided no for a reason. I agree with kittycats that we do need to keep clear boundaries with children, and I know I am quite strict with mine... but I was told the other day that I'm very good at using my best 'teacher voice' with my two, so they know when they get that 'growl' they're not to mess me around anymore!

Oh, absolutely, sticking to your guns.
Never change your mind, as much as never go back on your word.

Consistency is the key

I remember being livid with myself for threatening that if he did something again then we would not be going to the 'indoor playground'.,...... gggrr.... he DID whatever it was again, think he got out of bed again or something, and damn it, we then did not go.

Had to kiss goodbye to my nice quiet coffee whilst he ran off some energy on play equipment. Seriously shot myself in the foot on that occasion!

My mum always used to say

'Be slow to say no, but always remember a no is a no'.

I try to follow that and think (for me at least) it works.