Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be driven nuts by friends who pander to their dc's unreasonable requests?

135 replies

deaconblue · 23/08/2008 11:23

examples from different friends recently
child 1 "I want to wash the baby's neck"
me "sorry darling but dd has a sore neck so only I can wash it"
her mother "don't worry darling you can wash mummy's neck instead"

child 2 " I want to get in the baby's buggy"
me "sorry but she's only just gone to sleep so you can't get in the buggy with her"
his mother "can he get in and I'll push it around so she doesn't wake up"
me "umm no"

OP posts:
tootidy · 24/08/2008 20:51

Imnotmama.....

I don't understand why you feel this way, people have differnt views, would you rather everyone agreed? I was not having a dig at you.

tori32 · 24/08/2008 21:06

1st example was just a bit of a daft distraction IMHO.
2nd example YANBU it bugs me as well.
I went for sunday lunch with a friend and her ds who is 18mths, my other friend minds him every day so I see her ds professionally iyswim as well (I CM too) I was gobsmacked by him with his mother- allowed to stand up on chairs/tables in the pub, drink my other friends dds juice with no commentat all, not sit in a high chair to eat even though he was trying to pull at other peoples plates/drinks/cutlery He never behaves in this way with the CM because she gives him a stare and firm 'no' if he tries to behave like that. The thing that really p*ssed me off was that he was allowed to scream at the top of his voice which my dd tried to copy for weeks after

Anyway rant over!!!

tori32 · 24/08/2008 21:11

LOL at the dreaded shoe battle I got sick of telling my then 20mth old not to take her shoes off in the car. The next time she did it I made her walk back to the house from the car without them, hasn't happened since

blueshoes · 24/08/2008 21:16

tori32, IMO, children behave much better for their carers than they do for their parents. With carers, they don't try it on as much. But with parents, they know they are forgiven and so push the limits more. The carers at my dcs' nursery say it happens a lot.

18 months is Very Young. My dcs probably did it at that age when out with us despite our best efforts. I have to say we did not generally look forward to eating out with them at that age and would try to finish up and leave quickly - one of us will have to take turns to eat whilst the other takes the child out to distract. Dd is now 5 and despite her earlier behaviour eats nicely in restaurants and the dinner lady at school makes it a point to come up to me to sing her praises about dd at lunch time.

GreenEggsAndSpam · 24/08/2008 21:19

I'm with yurt on this. Depends on the child - you need different strategies with different children and also at different times. It does not mean you are being inconsistent, it means you are responding flexibly. I also have 3 basic ways of dealing with my 3 children to get the same results, plus variations that depend on time constraints, moods, tiredness etc.
I do know parents who just parent one way - they either have naturally compliant children or big battles all the time...

I do agree with giving children choice too - within given parameters. My children know that they may be treated differently, and in fact adopt different strategies with each other when required

Grumpalina · 24/08/2008 21:51

I'm all for the pick your battles view. If DS2 won't put his coat or shoes on fine he'll soon work out why he needs to put them on. For example the worst issues are in the morning when I have to get DS1 to the bus stop on time and I need to get to work so I can't mess about (which he knows). I can't help but feel he wants a big battle and is quite shocked when I pick him up and put him in the car and say 'fine'. Within a couple of minutes his tantrum has changed from 'I don't want my shoes' to 'I do want my shoes' so by the time we get to nursery he gratefully puts them on tantrum over. It's only happended a couple of times and he now seems to have grown out of it.

Things that I don't compromise on are down to safety, 'You will hold my hand to cross the road' No discussion. I have stood and watched him tantrum over this but it tends to be short lived becuase he knows when I've said no I mean it. However it also runs to other things in life like when the ice cream van came round and they wanted an ice cream. I said 'no' because we were about to go out for tea. They just accepted it and went off (admittedly with DS2 having his bottom lip stuck out).

LittleBella · 24/08/2008 22:23

I do bridle at the idea that "there is no excuse for it". No excuse for what exactly? Making a decision as to what I can countenance and what I can't and having that decision be different from someone else's?

Gosh there are some very self-righteous comments on this thread.

Turniphead1 · 24/08/2008 22:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

ImnotMamaGbutsheLovesMe · 24/08/2008 22:28

kittycats - it certainly felt personal and you type like you know it all and we know nothing.

tootidy - you were having a go at me but you know what? I don't care anymore. I have no idea who you are and I really don't care what you think. I don't expect anyone to ever agree with everyone else, that is irrelevant. Not bothered about disagreements. I don't like rudeness etc. Good night.

tootidy · 24/08/2008 22:42

Imnot..........

FFS - get over yourself.

hamandegger · 24/08/2008 22:49

v condescending thread.

snowleopard · 24/08/2008 22:51

I'm with the OP, too much pandering it does my nut in. BUT, I don't agree with saying no all the time, and I think anyone can have a bad day and give in sometimes. I tut to myself at other people's pandering, but then there have been occasions where I've probably been seen as a panderer - for example because I will carry DS (3) sometimes when I make my own executive decision that I need to be somewhere and the burgeoning tantrum is going to cause problems (eg we're on our way to the doctor's) - even though I'm generally quite firm.

But I do know some people who seem to have that problem of being scared to say no to their child at all, or somehow confusedly thinking that any kind of discipline, or anything that makes your child cry (eg saying no to an ice cream or that they have to get off the swings now) must be a form of cruelty so it out of the question.

TotalChaos · 24/08/2008 22:55

Turnip - Jimjam's DS1 has severe autism - so normal system of consequences/punishment are really not applicable.

(hope you don't mind me "speaking" for you jimjams).

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 24/08/2008 23:03

Not at all TotalChaos.

I would be concerned were I getting bruises from NT ds2 or ds3. I'm afraid it can be pretty much part of the territory with 9 year old severely autistic boys.

The relevant bit being that I pick my battles.

(Actually most of the time when cross he attacks himself rather than me-but that's not very nice either- he gives himself more bruises than anyone else).

3andnomore · 24/08/2008 23:06

Hm, I think it all depends on the situATION, The AGE OF THE CHILD AND THEIR TEMPERAMENT...(ooops caps lock)!
I am generally a person that picks her battles wisely...because, well, some arguments are just not worth to be had and some things just aren't important...
With ds3 I was probably softer than wiht the other 2, because he used to do a lot of breatholding/passingout...which scared me lots ( I know it's harmless...but it is still freakingly scary to see your child laying like dad on hte floor and seconds seem like minutes), so, with him I tried to avoid battles as much as I could...especially as he was a very sensitive little Baby/Toddler anyway, it didn't take a lot to get him proper upset and going....!
So, to OP....what was the problem wiht the first example...what did it matter....????
2nd example....well, yeah that one just wasn't on

2shoes · 24/08/2008 23:07

well I have always "pandered" to ds and guess what
I have a lovely 16 year old who I am extremely proud od.
you pick your battles and lts of stuff is just not worth getting up set over.

as for all the CM on here dissing the parents of their charges. remember who pays your wages.

3andnomore · 24/08/2008 23:08

jimjam,must be very difficult to deal with, seeing your child hurting themselfs

pgwithnumber3 · 24/08/2008 23:14

I also can't bear it when a child is permanently told No just because a parent likes to have the "upper hand".

Yes we are the adults and they are the children but how will children ever think for themselves. Same goes with regards to my DD1 not wanting to wear a coat. So what, in my experience, if I went out for a run (as is the adult equivalent to a child playing/charging around a park) in the Winter, I too wouldn't want to wear a ski jacket. But I wouldn't let her take her shoes off in the park because that is dangerous.

You sometimes have to think out of the adult box and see how a child views the world before you spout No.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 24/08/2008 23:15

I don't like the headbanging, but tbh he physically hurts himself all the time even when he's happy. I couldn't work out this weekend why his calves were absolutely covered in bruises until I saw him biting them! (Down both sides). But he was just doing that for whatever reason -boredom perhaps? not because he was cross. He sits biting his knees in the bath and when I tell him to stop he laughs and really pulls the skin back with his teeth. It's horrible!

The main problem when he needs no said to him isn't so much the lashing out - it's more the complete refusal. When he was 2 or 3 I could pick him up and carry him somewhere, but he's too heavy now- and he does this thing that all severely autistic kids I know discover at some stage- flop to the floor and refuse to move. And because they relax completely they're really heavy! Sometimes there's no choice, but to hoist him up under the arm pits and drag, but I'd far rather avoid that.

So we kind of work round it. Or I leave him doing stuff that I wouldn't let the other boys do (but then they'll have to live in the real world, he's always going to be sheltered from it).

tootidy · 24/08/2008 23:15

"remember who pays your wages. "

How rude. I was speaking as a parent too. This is why so many people in the childcare industry are disgruntled with parents who leave their kids with us but treat us like crap. Cheer.

tootidy · 24/08/2008 23:18

"Same goes with regards to my DD1 not wanting to wear a coat. So what, in my experience, if I went out for a run (as is the adult equivalent to a child playing/charging around a park) in the Winter, I too wouldn't want to wear a ski jacket."

So, you'd be happy with a childminder letting your child go outside in winter without a coat. Your child - you choice. My charge - my choice. If i was just with my own children and they were hot - fine coat can come off.

3andnomore · 24/08/2008 23:21

jimjam....the biting sounds like self stimulation...not that I know much about this or anything....like I said it must be difficult to deal with.....no one likes to see their child hurting, nevermind hurting themselfs...
I am sure your other children do/or will when older (not sure which ages they are) understand why their are different rules for this particular son....

tootidy....I can kind of understand where 2shoes was coming from...it is rude to slag the very people off that employ you looking afer their most precious "possession" (for lack of a better word)

pgwithnumber3 · 24/08/2008 23:22

tootidy, I wasn't even replying to you with regards to coat wearing, just commenting on one of the many things that happens in my every day life. My two big bug bears with DD is coat and shoe wearing.

I don't send my child to a CM so I cannot pass judgement but knowing how hot DD1 gets, I truly wouldn't mind and being the type of person I am, I would leave it up to the CM to decide how to deal with it, I would only poke my nose in if I felt a situation was dangerous or wrong. Not wearing a coat is not the end of the world!

tootidy · 24/08/2008 23:24

3and no more

I am not slagging anyone off but i am entitled to an opinion. Quite honestly some people do pander too much to their kids - it makes my job harder. I don't really care about the parents - the children are my top priority and sorry but to let a child go out in winter without a coat on is just not on.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 24/08/2008 23:27

Oh they understand already 3andnomore. DS3 (aged 3) tells people (including me) off if they tell ds1 off. "He doesn't understand - he's autistic'. So ds1 will do something to ds3, take a toy or something, I tell ds1 off then ds3 tells me off for telling ds1 off

I think he's sensory seeking rather than stimming. But we;ve started shiatsu and he is beginning to ask for that rather than trying to hug me to death. We've only had 3 sessions so hopefully things will improve.