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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Been married 9 years today>>>>>>>>DH has forgot

56 replies

windyweather · 13/08/2008 10:36

Got up today as if it was another day. Sorted dd/ds out as usual.
Not given him card yet, its in the car stil un wrritten (may even take it back for a refund).
I am not going to say anthing at all, he usually pops into his brothers on Wed night and was going to text about 10pm and say Happy Anniversary.
He is rubbish at dates stuff like this but why should I remind him.
Don't know whether to be or

OP posts:

MaloryDontDiveItsShallow · 13/08/2008 10:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iMum · 13/08/2008 10:38

Weve just had our 9 year one, we both forgot (as we did last year) but made the effort to go out n the evening when we had remembered.
We had a lovely night, much better than those dates gone by where the pressure has been high to be "romantic"
It is just a day but if it matters a lot to you, remind him (in a nice way) and organise a nice meal or summit-just enjoy beng together.

crokky · 13/08/2008 10:38

If he has no other faults, then you shouldn't be angry or sad about this. Personally, I think marriage is about the whole package, not just making a show of anniversaries etc. Might he be planning something later for you? Write the card for him anyway. To text at 10pm is a bit passive aggressive if he has forgotten and loves you but is a bit of a nit wit with dates. Lots of men are!

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 10:39

Ah, men are hopeless with dates.

I was at my sis's and her husband called out 'When's my niece's birthday?' She called back 'same as our wedding anniversary' and he called back 'when's that?'

If your relationship is otherwise ok I wouldnt worry.

PS on my last birthday my partner gave me a card with a gorilla on the front and forgot to write in it!!!! I think no card at all is better than that!

WideWebWitch · 13/08/2008 10:40

We never remember our wedding anniversary, it;s just not a big deal to us. We've been together 8 years and married 3. I'm not even positive I know the date.

Niceychops · 13/08/2008 10:40

I should add he is great in every other capacity so I just thought it was funny!

flowerybeanbag · 13/08/2008 10:41

Assuming you usually do cards for anniversaries, I'd probably say 'Oi where's my card?' rather than stew all day tbh.

MaloryDontDiveItsShallow · 13/08/2008 10:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheArmadillo · 13/08/2008 10:43

if he has no other faults then I wouldn't be annoyed. Dp tends to remember anniversaries where I forget. It's not intentional to forget.

If you want him to remember then you have to remind him. If you don't want to remind him then he will forget. Reminding him isn't exactly a big task.

Don't play passive aggressive games - they aren't exactly good for relationships.

He has a flaw which you don't. His memory isn't good for dates. If you weren't, say, any good at rock climbing and he loved it would you be annoyed if he got pissed off a lot over it and acted as if you were doing it deliberately?

bev1e · 13/08/2008 10:43

Maybe he's having flowers delivered to you at some point today?

Mine's tomorrow (15) and I'll be gutted if he has forgotten although he's completely useless on remembering dates (kids' birthdays, my birthday, parents' birthdays...) but then he knows e doesn't have to remember because I do.

hannahsaunt · 13/08/2008 10:51

Maybe he thinks you have forgotten too, given the withheld card and all that...

LazyLinePainterJane · 13/08/2008 10:56

But you haven't said anything, or given anything, in fact you haven't even written your card! So why is it different for him? Maybe he thinks you have forgotten? WHy should he have to make the first move?

mayorquimby · 13/08/2008 11:06

in fairness it doesn't sound as though either of you view it as a big day (i'm assuming seeing as your effort is still in the car unwritten), so if he's good in other areas i wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

and for what it'sworth i think festering on it all day until he goes out to his brothers and then sending him a sarcy text is not the way to deal with it.
you re deliberately letting the situation to get worse so that he looks like more of a bastard than he probably is being ("i can't believe you went out with your brother on our anniversary") and you look like more of a put upon victim who's husband is a thoughtless prick.
you could cut your losses now, remind him and chances are he will be very apologetic and will almost certainly not go to his brothers tonight and the two of you can do something tonight and salvage some of your day.

Original poster

windyweather · 13/08/2008 11:10

He has forgotten, and yes it is important to me.
9 years ago we stood together on a special day to get married, and I don't ask for much (nothing in fact) just to have a card and acknowledge the day. I don't want flowers, meal etc
Why is it passive aggressive, don't get that.
Just thought it would be a joke really to remind him the date and let him grovel!

OP posts:

TheArmadillo · 13/08/2008 11:12

just cos he doesn't remember the exact date doesn't mean it meant nothing to him.

Look at his whole behaviour not just this one thing. Is he nice to you, does he treat you well?

If you remind him then you probably will get your card, and a nice day. If you refuse and act like a petty child then the whole day will be ruined for you.

It's called cutting off your nose to spite your face.

Original poster

windyweather · 13/08/2008 11:16

Yeah you could be right, but how would you feel honestly..

OP posts:

mayorquimby · 13/08/2008 11:16

fair enough. from the way you painted the scene it didn't seem that important to you (an unwritten card in the car) but only you can know how important it is to you not me so i can only take your word for it.

i think it's extremely passive agressive because instead of reminding him and giving him a chance to make up for it and give you something on the day (which according to you is what you want) you are deliberately allowing the situation to get worse. to the point where you become the put upon victim, left alone at home on your anniversary when your husband is out at his brothers. and he is the selfish bastard, won't even spend his anniversary with his wife.
when the fact is he just forgot.he hasn't remembered it and then deliberately decided to ignore it according to you, he isn't going out and leaving you fully in the knowledge that you are upset.
in fact you will let him go quite happily to his brothers rather than address the problem and then remind him when he gets there to make him feel worse so you can, in your own words, "let him grovel".

blowsy · 13/08/2008 11:17

I'd be really upset. It's one day in the whole year, not hard to make an effort to remember.

mayorquimby · 13/08/2008 11:20

personally i wouldn't care because i am not into anniversaries or valentines day and my life would be infinitelyt easier if my OH felt the same as it would be 2 less arguments a year.but as i said before if it's important to you then it is important to you and everyone is entitled to their traditions.

can i ask how is he about things like this?
does he usually treat it as a big deal?or does he normally just acknowledge it to keep you happy?

TheArmadillo · 13/08/2008 11:21

some people are genuinely shite at remembering dates. That's all it comes down to. Not a deliberate action to hurt someone else's feelings.

To stop getting hurt all you have to do is say a few days before 'it's our anniversary on x'. Not exactly a big thing to do.

And no it wouldn't bother me. My dp shows every day how much he loves me, in his actions and behaviour towards me. Why would I risk chucking that away over such a tiny thing? My dp also isn't great at remembering but he couldn't tell you what the date is today without looking it up.

I think the problem is people confuse forgetting a date with not caring about the wedding or marriage. They're not linked at all.

SummatAnNowt · 13/08/2008 11:22

Completely agree that it's passive-aggressive.

If he's bad at dates why wouldn't you remind him?

Last Saturday I was going into town and dh said he'd give the house a clean. As it was chucking it down I decided to come back fairly quickly so I called him to let him know so he'd have time to clean as he would probably have been "lazing around" until the last minute otherwise. Now I suppose I could've just decided to come back home and be all upset that he hadn't cleaned. As it was the house was all lovely and we were both happy.

Original poster

windyweather · 13/08/2008 11:22

thanks blowsly you summed it up in one.

OP posts:

Original poster

windyweather · 13/08/2008 11:28

He has a diary for work everyday he uses it, he knows my birthdays, dd, ds, anniversary.
So really there is no excuse, and we did disucussed it last week as a matter of fact.
Obviously not a big deal for most, but I feel hurt.

I wont take it out on him, beat him not feed him, that not my nature. so for being aggresive that just s**t.

OP posts:

quickdrawmcgraw · 13/08/2008 11:38

We got married the day after you 9 years ago. Dh told me this morning that he was working late tommorrow. So I whined that it was our anniversary and now we're going to watch Dark Knight. I should have kept my mouth shut

We have forgotten probably 4 years out of the last nine and are usually reminded by a card from my mum.

Original poster

windyweather · 13/08/2008 11:43

quick, happy anniversary to you too.
where did you go on honeymoon.

OP posts:

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