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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that my nanny cant cope with looking after my children full time in the holidays ?

475 replies

demandingboss · 11/08/2008 13:22

Thats it really. We were away for the first 2 weeks.She has had them for 3 weeks and only has this week to go then she has a week off which is costing me a fortune to cover and then she has 3 days one week and 2 days the next and they are back to school.

Told me this am that she cant cope with having them 11 hors a day in the hols its just too exhausting and she spent all weekend in bed feeling poorly with the stress of it all.

She gets paid full time wages all year rund and has lots of perks ( and I maen lots ).

She seemed to be suggesting that they could go to holiday club so she could get on with some studying during the day!!!

I was so gobsmacked I just left and acme to work!

To be honest Im not expecting to get any replies to this as you will I am sure be too shocked to type!

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 12/08/2008 10:24

She sounds really unreliable. Why do you keep her?

I don't expect my childcarers to entertain the children with no money, but I do expect them to have ideas of their own and to be reliable.

armarda · 12/08/2008 10:25

Demanding boss - I'd really look at the situation like this - would you tolerate similar attitudes from your junior members of staff at work? I sincerely doubt it - I'm in your profession and no way would I tolerate it from a trainee or junior lawyer.

However being practical if you sacked her now would you be able to get someone to cover the rest of the holidays? So I'd probably take a two pronged approach. First I'd look to get a replacement nanny - one who fully understands and appreciates the term time/holiday split in work. But in the mean time you're going to need to activly manage the nanny. Have meetings scheduled once a week and go through what is going to happen each day and what you expect her to do. I know you don't want to have to do this and are paying someone else to do the thinking but I think you have to approach this as you would an underperforming junior at work - they need more hands on management than they should but you still have to do it.

poshtottie · 12/08/2008 10:25

I've worked for a very wealthy family and had no kitty at all. They had everything at home, tennis court, pool, ponies so their parents didn't want them taken out for activities unless for a treat. Mostly they had friends over or they were invited to friends.

morningpaper · 12/08/2008 10:25

I think if there are other issues you are unhappy with then you need to find another nanny.

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 10:27

BUT MP..........she has both sets of retired grandparents within 4 miles , a housekeeper is in 3 mornings a week keeping her company , my son spends most weds out in the gardener 'helping ' him , 2 similar age boys and a SAHM next door that are round playing a lot and a whole host of other activities she can do with them at relatively low cost.

My au pairs always managed very well on less than that most weeks

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 12/08/2008 10:27

And what did you think of that situation, poshtottie?

I think it is terrible parenting to keep children confined within a gilded cage like that. Children need to go out and see the world.

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 10:28

Oh and the swimming pool and an acre of garden to run round in..........

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 12/08/2008 10:29

demandingboss - I think any nanny really worth her salt wouldn't like a job where she had so little room to make her mark. Au pairs yes (which is why that situation may have worked) as they are young and like directions; good nannies no.

poshtottie · 12/08/2008 10:30

lol at gilded cage. They were the most normal down to earth kids I've ever looked after. They had about 600 acres and most of the time they ran around, climbed trees and got dirty.

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 10:32

anna8888 what do you mean make her mark ? She has had a completely free rein which we gave her at the start as she is 39 and 20 years experince.

This where we have ended up

OP posts:
morningpaper · 12/08/2008 10:34

I think you need to manage her better

Perhaps start with a formal warning and then fire her as soon as possible

No use flogging a dead horse

Anna8888 · 12/08/2008 10:36

Well it doesn't sound like she has a free rein from your description - it sounds as if your life is pretty clearly delineated. And I think therefore that a really good nanny might not be attracted to a job where the boundaries are so prescribed.

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 10:43

I really dont understand. We leave every morning with maybe the odd note asking her to for example ring and organise a playdate or sort out haircuts. the house is full of food. she has a car and the rest is up to her.Anna8888 where am I going wrong ?

OP posts:
gladders · 12/08/2008 10:44

demandingboss - get rid of her!

it's such a key role in your and your children's lives - it has to be right and clearly there are lots of niggles here.

FWIW I think £30 a week shd be fine. Our nanny does lots of trips to park/on buses etc - there's a lot of free stuff in the holidays - there is no need to be taking them to expensive places every day....

good luck

Anna8888 · 12/08/2008 10:47

She is being micromanaged to the core . A note in the mornings? She isn't a cleaner.

You need to think about how you can find and employ a nanny who will be thinking weeks/months ahead, bringing ideas to you and discussing them well in advance.

FabioFridgeFluffFrenzy · 12/08/2008 10:51

Anna in db's defence there really is more to this than this thread. She is so far from micromanaging that the nanny is actually managing db! The nanny leaves notes rather than speak to db, so I think she prefers it that way. I have read a fair few other threads v similar to this and - if it is, as I suspect, the same nanny situation - mp has hit the nail on the head with her dead horse. Och I love a mixed metaphor...

Ahem.

That said, db is anything but a demanding boss and I suspect the nickname was tongue in cheek. I believe there really is plenty around to amuse her dcs but I think the nanny is the one who is petulantly doing the passive aggessive 'I'm booorrred, you must amuse me' bit. [irony]

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 10:52

well that makes perfect sense. She isnt interested enough in the job to do that at all unless it means going to the cinema !

The thing is in the holidays I leave most days before she arrives as she doesnt start until 8am so a note in the house diary is not unreasonable. Everything is recorded in there to make it easier for the smooth running of the household.

Amazing your view when others on here think I havent manged her enough !

God its confusing!!

OP posts:
armarda · 12/08/2008 10:53

Anna I think the point is that DB wants someone who will be thinking ahead but this clearly isn't happening. My view is that at the moment giving the attitude of the nanny MORE management is needed, not less as a short term fix rather than a long term solution.

Anna8888 · 12/08/2008 10:53

I don't agree at all with your reading, Fabio. I don't think this nanny has any freedom of movement at all really (which is why the au pair think would have worked, au pairs generally like directive/restrictive situations with very clear boundaries).

LittleDorrit · 12/08/2008 10:53

I have been reading this thread with interest, and find some of the comments very interesting. There seems to be a view that somehow employing a nanny is wrong, and that they don't get paid enough, etc. This is really not based on fact.

There are LOTS of jobs which are badly paid -nursery staff, waitresses, shop assistants, office cleaners, research assistants, teaching assistants - the list of endless. Nannies get paid quite a bit more than any of those jobs. And they may not get official breaks BUT they get lots of unofficial ones - let's be honest, watching a child play in a sandpit is not the same as a shift in a busy restaurant kitchen for example, is it?

I also get upset about the view that having a nanny is somehow bad for your children and a lifestyle "choice". I have a nanny because I am a single mum (not by choice) and I have to work. I like working, but I also have to. The fact that I work is giving two other people income - I have a nanny and a cleaner. My DD loves spending time with her nanny, and there is no way that I could give her the same quality time if it was just me looking after her 7 days a week.

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 11:08

quite Little dorrit. I run my secs ragged during the day and they arent paid as much as my nanny and have to pay all their bills etc.

nannies may soon be discovering that market forces are against them..........

OP posts:
lucysmum · 12/08/2008 11:14

My nanny sees her own friends who have children, picks up bits of her own shopping, checks her emails, organises her social life, goes to doctors/dentists, pops home for deliveries/workmen etc during the working day (with my blessing). How many other jobs can you do that ? She looked at being a teaching assitant but despite the shorter hours, the money was much worse.

Anna8888 · 12/08/2008 11:15

A good nanny ought to be paid a lot more than a secretary because she should have a great deal more responsibility.

FabioFridgeFluffFrenzy · 12/08/2008 11:16

Anna - the nanny has a car, free rein to take the children out to parks, meet friends, play with stuff in the house, go on trips out to the zoo etc (not banned, she just has to ask for the money in advance, having proved herself a poor kitty manager in the past) go on picnics, have friends over to play.....manage her own diary in other words. All db asks is that she does something with the children. demandingboss - tell me if I'm wrong!

There is something else that I don't want to put onto this thread because db changed her name for a reason, but suffice to say that db is completely ok with the nanny renegotiating her duties as long as the job gets done somehow. She really isn't telling the nanny what to do and how to do it at all.

The nanny is more interested studying for her course - which is a 'free time' activity imo - than doing her job. And she's an employee, not a slave fgs, she can leave if she's that miserable.

armarda · 12/08/2008 11:24

So, DC you've had lots of views and advice given - what have you decided to do about the situation?

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