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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked that my nanny cant cope with looking after my children full time in the holidays ?

475 replies

demandingboss · 11/08/2008 13:22

Thats it really. We were away for the first 2 weeks.She has had them for 3 weeks and only has this week to go then she has a week off which is costing me a fortune to cover and then she has 3 days one week and 2 days the next and they are back to school.

Told me this am that she cant cope with having them 11 hors a day in the hols its just too exhausting and she spent all weekend in bed feeling poorly with the stress of it all.

She gets paid full time wages all year rund and has lots of perks ( and I maen lots ).

She seemed to be suggesting that they could go to holiday club so she could get on with some studying during the day!!!

I was so gobsmacked I just left and acme to work!

To be honest Im not expecting to get any replies to this as you will I am sure be too shocked to type!

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CapricaSix · 12/08/2008 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovemydog · 12/08/2008 08:59

It's not as if you hired her when you had one child and then suddenly had a ton more without any change in salary.

She was hired to look after your 2 children.

But could you imagine an employee asking their boss to get someone else to do their job, as effectively this is what she is asking you to do when she suggests sending the kids to day camp. Or he constant complaining?

The nice woman who comes in and helps me clean always says she's grateful we aren't terribly tidy, as otherwise she'd be out of a job!

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 09:03

Nanny has a kitty of £30 a week and often I will top it up midweek and unlimited diesel. She has a card that she just charges it to. She has authority to organise unlimited playdates home and away. Most hols the children have days at the riding stable and rugby camp so on those days she only has to take them their and organise a packed lunch for them.

There are no strings attached to the perk of her car. It is completely funded and for her unlimited use 24/7. Not many nannies get that.

CG she works 8 hours a day in term time and only 4.5 of those are with the children and an hour of that is in the car. Its a 30 min drive to school.

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jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 12/08/2008 09:07

Oh I'm not shocked at the 11 hour days or even the pay. I just think it's daft to pretend/kid ourselves that nannies are paid really really well and have loads of 'perks' that are worth market rates. Lets face it if they did we'd all be aspiring to be nannies.

When I pay my helpers £8 an hour (in a very poorly paid region of the country) I don't expect them to have sole charge of my 3. I expect them to turn up (and have indeed just stopped using someone because she cancelled so often at short notice) and help me and be professional, but I don't expect them to run themselves ragged for £8 an hour- nor do I expect them to be grateful to me for giving them a job etc etc.

I think sometimes these threads can turn into an expectation that the nanny should be so grateful for being employed and for having all these lovely perks - which then have unrealistic values applied to them. Therein lies the path to resentment.

Employer: nanny gets time off whilst the kids are at school and gets to live in my lovely house rather than a poky bedsit.
Nanny: I have time off in the middle of the day but it's not long enough to go anywhere or do anything and I can't meet my friends as I finish too late and I have to live with my boss in the middle of nowhere and can't have my boyfriend to stay

etc etc

More realistic is to think that you're paying the going rate and therefore expect a certain standard and then communicate those expectations clearly. The nanny can then choose whether she thinks the job is paid sufficiently well to meet those expectations. If she works for you then presumably those have been accepted and she should be professional. Getting into a spiral of 'oh but she gets all this and should be so grateful' is completely pointless. You;ll be over valuing what she gets (it;s out of your pocket); she;ll be undervaluing (a mythical different job could provide more).

FabioFridgeFluffFrenzy · 12/08/2008 09:11

jimjams makes a good point about what is of value to the nanny and employer.
However, db pays her nanny a good full time wage for a part time job that the nanny does badly.
And if it's that grim for the nanny she has the option of leaving, which she doesn't, so she can't be that miserable there.

That nanny is on a pig's back.

ShinyPinkShoes · 12/08/2008 09:15

Would you not be better off with a very motivated Au Pair Plus?

FabioFridgeFluffFrenzy · 12/08/2008 09:20

Yes she would!
She'd be better off with a comatose onion!
Ditch Nanny McFatigue and get someone anyone else!

ShinyPinkShoes · 12/08/2008 09:23

She actually sounds like she is taking you for granted.

I know nannies who would sing the praises of a job like your's. But then the nannies I know genuinely love being with chldren which seems to be where you are coming unstuck.

FWIW you sound like a fab employer.
Do remember that this evening and don't let her walk all over you!

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 09:26

ha ha ha nanny Mcfatigue that is fabulous!

Yes we would be better of with a motivated Au pair plus or even an ex au pair wanting her first nanny job.

JJ you have some points but this isnt about nanny bashing. I never said she should be grateful. The problem is that her attitude often makes me feel like she is doing me a favour. She left me a note once to say that she felt we were taking advantage of her because she out my dirty cup in the dishwasher..............its funny becuase I thought I was paying her !!!

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Tittybangbang · 12/08/2008 09:35

Lol at nanny Mcfatigue

You want an aupair like the one I had when dd was 3. Turkish. 35 years old. Trained primary school teacher. God that woman worked like a donkey. I used to come home from work to find her up a ladder cleaning my windows. I'd say 'Sevgi, get down! I didn't bring you here to do my cleaning for me', and she'd say 'No, no - I like it!'. At which point I'd give in gracefully and suggest she give the car a quick sponge while she had the bucket out.

And she came home from her Christmas holidays with 15 pairs of knickers and a giant hand stitched quilt for me in her suitcase.

We both cried when she left (took off for an internship at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, ended up marrying an American). 6 years on we're still in touch with each other.

JuneBugJen · 12/08/2008 09:38

good bit of accouting there Jura - I'm impressed!

How was your friends dh last night. Hope all went ok.

Don't listen to any of the posts about how you are damaging your dcs by being at work. I am trying to remember if we are in 1908 or 2008! Glad you have a 'date' tonight to discuss things with her.

CarGirl · 12/08/2008 09:38

The huge issue to me tbh seems that the nanny is very happy in term time because she gets lots of time to do her studying & relax during the day and in the holidays because she can't organise a p*ss up in the brewery she isn't.

In short if she was half good at her job she could organise the days and weeks that she has sole charge to engineer a couple (at least) of decent study slots - eg farm one child out to friend let other sibling have a friend over for playdate result = very little to do. Let the children make their own pack lunches (they love this) you vaguely supervise whilst ath the kitchen table.

I have 4 children and able to spend far too much time on MN in the holidays - yes sometimes not all because we go out for the day then other days we have quiet days at home and/or friends around etc.

Mine are 11, 6 ,5,3 and no the 11 doesn't really help she quite often chooses to disappear or goes to her Dad's.

ShinyPinkShoes · 12/08/2008 09:39

Oh this is the cup nanny.

All is now clear.

CarGirl · 12/08/2008 09:50

ahh you didn't realise that, she is clearly a bit barking and currently has absolutely no desire to be a nanny. It's sad really if she had a better attitude then she would actually be having a much easier time of it all, flexibility and all that.

FioFio · 12/08/2008 09:50

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Message withdrawn

morningpaper · 12/08/2008 09:56

BTW Your kitty is too small. I think £30 a DAY would be more appropriate, seeing as you have a large budget - £30 would barely cover one trip to the cinema.

LIZS · 12/08/2008 09:59

Assuming you don't have any difficulty looking after them on your own yourself then yanbu to expect her to be able and willing do so in loco parentis. Sounds as if she only really wants the cushier, termtime deal. Is she very young ?

FabioFridgeFluffFrenzy · 12/08/2008 10:04

LIZS I think she's about 40.

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 10:08

yes she is 39.

MP £30 a day........you are joking right ???!!!

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ShinyPinkShoes · 12/08/2008 10:10

A good nanny will be doing projects galore during the holidays, taking them to parks, thinking of fun, stimulating stuff to do home.

Entertaining children isn't about how much you spend; it's about spending TIME with them.

Anna8888 · 12/08/2008 10:11

I agree with morningpaper that your kitty is tiny.

I don't know how on earth I would entertain our three children on £30 a week during the holidays... I'm not surprised your nanny doesn't know what to do.

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 10:18

If she wants more anna8888 the deal is she has to ask for it...like to go the Safari park or the Sea life centre. We would never say no and she knows that but if I leave cash around she will drag them round the shops to suit her and spend the money on lunch out and nick nacky crap to keep them quiet. We were getting through a hundred quid a week !

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Anna8888 · 12/08/2008 10:20

Fine but can't you give her a bigger kitty with firm directions on what it may and may not be spent on?

morningpaper · 12/08/2008 10:21

Deamdningboss do you ever spend weeks on your own with the children, during a rainy holiday, staying at home and entertaining them with no other help?!?!? Believe me, taking them out is a life-saver and yes it generally DOES cost money. I'm guessing that the time you spend with them is genearlly LOVELY time having holidays and visiting relatives, rather than long boring days doing nothing... As long as she is providing you with receipts I don't think see the problem. (obviously she doesn't need to buy them presents, but any trip out means expense!)

Original poster
demandingboss · 12/08/2008 10:23

Have done in the past but we always get excuses. She is very clever at manipulating circs. She also borrows money for herself from the kitty on the excuse that she ran out of cash and then it takes her a week to pay it back. She even did that when we were on holiday and she was away on hols from our house too. Why on earth she had the house kitty in her handbag when she was 200 miles away is beyond me.

She uses the house kitty as her cashflow at the end of the month!

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