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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not sure. What's your view? About a hen do.

75 replies

theinsider · 06/08/2008 20:08

Going on a hen do soon, various events over a weekend. The provisional itinery includes three meals, two bars, two day-time events tbc (maybe spa session, matinee, that kind of thing). I don't think people are expected to go to all of it if they can't/don't want to - there's meant to be something for everyone. I'll probably go to about two-thirds, despite 3 under 4 and poor, the bride is quite a good friend. She knows nothing about the plans/arrangements.

The person organising it has asked for £20 from each attendee to pay for the bride's weekend. At first I had no problem with this but have started to think. I've never been on a hen do where the bride goes free before (although I've only been on about 4 before, including my own!). I don't mind coughing up if this is standard. Or even if it isn't, as I say she's quite a good friend. It's just I'v never come across it before.

So AIBU to feel the bride should pay for her own hen expenses?

OP posts:

scorpio1 · 06/08/2008 20:09

My friends paid for my hen do...though not as much as your friend is doing!

Original poster

theinsider · 06/08/2008 20:27

Maybe AIBU, it's just a) I've never known it before and b) I feel like the whole weekend and then the wedding will cost enough between them. To then be expected to contribute to her costs seems a step too far.

No one paid for my hen do

OP posts:

dizzydixies · 06/08/2008 20:29

I had to do this last year and it was the first time I'd paid for the hen too

scottishmum007 · 06/08/2008 20:32

i never paid for mine but i only wanted a meal out in a restaurant so it wasn't exactly a whole weekend event!!! affordable for everyone.
YABU though, it's your friend's Hen doo, she's only going to be having one!

ChukkyPig · 06/08/2008 20:34

Usually on the ones I've been on the most we all chip in for is taking the hen out for a meal or something. Thinking about it I paid my way on my hen.

You say the hen knows nothing about it though and that's probably the reason. It needs to be booked and the person organising it understandably doesn't want to pay the whole hen cost. Usually hens know about their do and so pay themselves.

How many of you are going? Unless it's about 20 I would say the person organising it must be putting in a much bigger chunk than £20 herself.

bonnibaby · 06/08/2008 20:35

YANBU,
Think its v cheeky and would prob put people off coming to be honest,
someone who is really skint but desperate to join in with at least one activity wolud prob not bother in this case.
I paid for my own hen night and wouldnt have dreamed of expecting others to pay -i do appreciate your BTB doesnt know about it.

Kelix · 06/08/2008 20:44

I am chief bidesmaid in December and the pride is paying for her own accomadation by we will be paying for meals, alcohol etc.

Depends on the person doing the organising I guess. But if the bride knows nothing of the plans then it may be a little strange to ask her to pay for it?

Original poster

theinsider · 06/08/2008 20:44

Maybe it's a new thing then that everyone pays for the bride. Though it's a good point that she knows nothing and therefore can't chip in her share beforehand. But I don't see why she couldn't be asked for some cash upfront to pay for booked things without knowing what they might be.

I think the organiser won't have that much spare cash hanging around so wouldn't be able to cover it herself.

Anyway, I won't let it worry me. I'll pay up gracefully and be warned it may happen on the next hen do. Thanks for the input.

OP posts:

Original poster

theinsider · 06/08/2008 20:48

I would expect to buy drinks, contribute to meals etc. So actually therefore what needs to be booked and paid for in advance is not that much, I guess just the two daytime activities. Restaurant bookings and bars don't cost anything. So £20 from everyone will be a huge sum of money. There will be mum, sisters, cousins, aunts as well as friends. Hmm, now I'm getting about it again.

OP posts:

ChukkyPig · 06/08/2008 20:51

Isn't there a hotel to pay for?

Original poster

theinsider · 06/08/2008 20:52

No hotel, we're all in/around london so events there.

OP posts:

elmoandella · 06/08/2008 20:58

any i've been on we pay for the hen.

but everyone shares the bucket collections. if there was no hen, you would have to pay for drinks so its only fair!

traceybath · 06/08/2008 20:59

I think its unreasonable but then i'm a bit grumpy generally about how out of control hen/stag things are generally.

It makes going to a wedding just so expensive nowadays. My sister went to a close friend's wedding earlier this year, by the time stag (week in vegas) and hen do's had been paid for as well as 2 nights in lovely hotel (for actual wedding), clothes and present she'd spent nearly £2k.

OK her DH enjoyed the stag but it meant they couldn't afford a holiday for themselves this year.

Whats wrong with a nice meal and a bit of a dance afterwards

elmoandella · 06/08/2008 21:02

why dont you offer to pay for hens share of meals on one of nights or something instead.??

if no hotel then i feel this is not right??i thought it was to cover hotel stay.

sureley your not expected to fork out £20 then also have to pay for hens food/drink/show entrances also?

cornsilk · 06/08/2008 21:03

I think it's too much for people to pay on top of everything else.

pointydog · 06/08/2008 21:09

I think it's too much to ask. If people want a whole weekend of entertainment, they should fund it themselves. Otherwise, buying a drink and covering a proportion of a meal should do anyone.

Original poster

theinsider · 06/08/2008 21:18

Maybe I'll try a little discreet probing about what it's meant to cover. But like I say I'll pay up mainly because I don't want to look like a tightwad, or for the bride to think I resented it if she gets to hear about it. (Even if I do!)

OP posts:

ChukkyPig · 06/08/2008 21:19

If no hotel (which I had assumed) then £20 way over the top. You are right booking bars spas restaurants etc is free. So why the need for a pile of cash upfront. I have never heard of guests paying all of hen's costs before.

But, if she is a close mate, and you want to go, I don't see what you can do about it.

elmoandella · 06/08/2008 21:25

what be discreet.

if organiser had balls to demand money before discussing with everyone if this would be ok, then you should be able to ask outright what monies are for??

i never understand people who give out money when don't know exactly what for

elmoandella · 06/08/2008 21:25

what be discreet.

if organiser had balls to demand money before discussing with everyone if this would be ok, then you should be able to ask outright what monies are for??

i never understand people who give out money when don't know exactly what for

TenaciousG · 06/08/2008 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

theinsider · 06/08/2008 21:32

elmoandella, I'd pay because although I don't feel I have loads of money I can afford £20 and I'd prefer to be £20 down than cause the potential bad feeling. This is a good friend, I also know the organiser in a friend-of-a-friend way and will likely come across her again over the years. I don't want to cause any bad feeling that may reverberate down the years [over-dramatic emoticon]

I'd rather be the one with the moral highground, if you like.

OP posts:

alicet · 06/08/2008 21:34

Not read whole thread...

I've always contributed to hen dos so the bride goes free. And I went free to mine. I think whether you ABU depends on the culture in your group of friends. Sounds as though this isn't necessarily the done thing with yours. Maybe sound out a couple of the others going to see what they think?

WideWebWitch · 06/08/2008 21:35

She should pay for herself imo.
I do think hen nights have got out of all proportion, bloody ridiculous. I think you could say you're on a budget.

elmoandella · 06/08/2008 21:36

i understand. but while you go to do it. stand with £20 firmly in your grasp . smile sweetly and ask "so what exactly is this for,does this cover food bills for hen ??" before you release the monies

make out like you wanna know how much monies your gonna need over the weekend. just for you. or for hens share.

and post back on what the heck the £20 was for?

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