Not sure. What's your view? About a hen do.

[theinsider]

Going on a hen do soon, various events over a weekend. The provisional itinery includes three meals, two bars, two day-time events tbc (maybe spa session, matinee, that kind of thing). I don't think people are expected to go to all of it if they can't/don't want to - there's meant to be something for everyone. I'll probably go to about two-thirds, despite 3 under 4 and poor, the bride is quite a good friend. She knows nothing about the plans/arrangements.

The person organising it has asked for £20 from each attendee to pay for the bride's weekend. At first I had no problem with this but have started to think. I've never been on a hen do where the bride goes free before (although I've only been on about 4 before, including my own!). I don't mind coughing up if this is standard. Or even if it isn't, as I say she's quite a good friend. It's just I'v never come across it before.

So AIBU to feel the bride should pay for her own hen expenses?

[TheSmallClanger]

Not sure what the answer is to this, but I do sympathise. I hate how hen and stag dos have got completely out of control and massively overpriced to all involved.
I never go to them any more - I use DD as my excuse.

[elmoandella]

alicet has a good point?? maybe you should ask of people of group who are not gonna mention it to the organiser. surely there's someone??

[Gobbledigook]

I've never been asked to do this. I hope we don't have to do this for SIL-to-be - her and db's wedding is already costing me an arm and a leg (bridesmaid dress, shoes, hair on the day, dh's suit and suits for 3 boys - all ushers, stag do, hen do....)

[elmoandella]

gobbledigook are you paying for your own outfits??even though you have a special role in day and have to get special outfits

[alicet]

I'm also amazed you have to pay the whole cost for outfits gobbledigook!

I agree hen and stag do's have got out of hand. I specifically said to my sister (who organised mine as a surprise) that I didn't mind what we did as long as the cost wasn't prohibitive to the people I wanted to come to come. It wasn't cheap I don't think but I also think that she went out of her way to find things to do that were cheaper than they might have been and also sounded people out on the cost before booking anything.

[ChukkyPig]

Oooh gobbledigook this has raised some memories! I think the done thing with bridesmaids etc is that if you can't really say no to doing the duties i.e. you can't say no actually I won't be bridesmaid as it is family, then they pay all or at least half of the shoes dress etc.

[Gobbledigook]

Yes, but I did offer. I wasn't asked to pay. It's my brother so I want to make it as easy on them as I can really. Even so, it's mounting up to quite a lot!

[alicet]

Well OK I guess if you did offer then fair enough. Have to say if I was your brother I would have refused. But then given that I have no idea of your family dynamics or finances I am certainly not judging!

[kslatts]

I don't think it's standard to pay for the bride, but it is a nice idea and I wouldn't have a problem paying for a good friend.

[notcitrus]

£20 each sounds like a lot unless there's only about 5 of you going - is that the case?

Have been to a similar all-day hen do across London where the organiser collected cash up front so that she could then pay for things during the day rather than have to collect small sums every couple of hours.

I don't think it would be unreasonable to ask exactly what the cash is going towards.

[KatieDD]

Blimey am I the only one who paid for everyone else then ?
I bought the tickets, handed them out and not one person offered to pay for them so i figured it must be my shout then

[thumbwitch]

i agree that hen nights/weekends/weeks have become something of a fiasco now - I went on one 4 weeks ago, wedding this friday. We paid for the hen's meal out on the Saturday and her share of the boat trip (I think that came to an extra £2), that's all - she paid for everything else herself (hotel, drinks, etc.) I think that's fair enough but shouldn't be expected; and the organiser should give people the option (as I was given) to chip in or not. I think most hen events I've been on in recent times the hen has had at least one thing paid for by the party.

I didnt have one, couldn't bear it, the organising and the expense, so just had 3 or 4 mates over the night before and we had a great time - the original night-before-the-wedding hen party. Fab. (p.s. I was pg so no hangover!!)

[thumbwitch]

@ KatieDD - how rude of them!!

[KatieDD]

Do you know i've never forgiven them, it was a day out at Alton Towers for 12 of us us so cost me over £250 I went to the toilets and an phone DH in tears but what can you do.
And it included my own mother and sister, wankers

[thumbwitch]

oh dear, was it your own hen do as well? That's even worse!! for you too. Bastards.

[TwoBigNorks]

I think its a lovely idea, really nice, especially as she is paying for the wedding so probably a bit skint. I wouldnt ask for a specific amount tho.

[rookiemater]

Oh lord the more threads I read about hen dos, the more I am glad that I am too old/unpopular/all my friends are married to attend these events.

OP I think you are doing the right thing, as you are friends with the organiser & the bride then cough up your share, but I wouldn't be expecting to pay anything else for her over and above that.

KatieDD that sounds AWFUL, poor you. Did you not ask them for the money, I think I would have ?

[more]

But is the hen party not supposed to be a surprise for the bride to be which she should know nothing about in advance.

I thought the tradition was that the chief bridesmaid arranged a surprise night out for the bride to be. The bride should not pay for that.

[rookiemater]

When it was my hen do , I (control freaky face) organised it myself and specifically chose a place to stay that was incredibly cheap so that everyone could come. Plus it was quite remote so that ceremonial dressing up in ridiculous outfit was only witnessed by a small pub of locals.

I probably went too far the other way though as the place was a bit grim with no curtains and mattresses that had seen better days.

The important thing to me was that as many of my friends could make it there, and I knew if it was overly expensive then a lot of them couldn't come. I don't get this whole thing that you have to do loads of expensive activities, surely the point is to have a laugh with your mates.

[GirlWithTheMouseyHair]

I think it's nice for everyone to contribute towards the hen, especially when it's a surprise for her - wedding is probably costing her an arm and a leg! But then I come from a group of friends where we're all a bit skint and have each just thrown a joint hen/stag do party (not sure I'd feel the same if I was expected to pay for a weekend of boring spa treatments or DH to go to a load of strip clubs)

but contribution should maybe be a suggested amount which you can chip in with what you can afford

[FlirtyThirty]

We have paid for the 'hen' at all of my family/friends hen dos, unless it has includede accommodation and flights, or an expensive activity, which they have covered themselves. Meals, drinks and little treats have all been covered by guests.
And personally...I was happy to pay on each occasion (and I'm really not rolling in money!).