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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a parent should prioritise all of their children equally

172 replies

noonki · 04/08/2008 20:23

I just read a post in which it was argued that a father should prioritise a child they are living with over children from a previous relationship.

And that financially he should prioritise his new family over that of his old. TBH I am incensed.

I am a stepmum and would be shocked if my DH didn't view all of his children equally. In fact it would make me question him as a father.

He definitely has a different relationship with his first son but I think does with all of his kids.

I think attitudes like this can aggrevate issues such as father's (or in some rare cases mother's) not contributing finacially and emotionally to their children.

OP posts:
thelittlestbadger · 04/08/2008 20:25

I read the title and was getting ready to say YABU because there are times when one child or other takes priority - eg illness, exams etc. But I was wrong and YANBU.

Overmydeadbody · 04/08/2008 20:25

YANBU.

Of course a father shouldn't priorities children he is living with over children form previous relationships, but unfortunately I'm pretty sure this is a regular occurance.

cornsilk · 04/08/2008 20:26

I agree.

QueenBhannae · 04/08/2008 20:26

yanbu

missjennipenni · 04/08/2008 20:28

Quite agree with you. they are ALL his children, the others didnt ask to live apart from him!

Carmenere · 04/08/2008 20:29

YANBU and I would run a mile from any arsehole man who didn't care for children from a first relationship as much as the ones he has from a more recent one.

Nagapie · 04/08/2008 20:31

Link?? It seems like very odd advice ...

KatieDD · 04/08/2008 20:32

Mmmm this is why I avoided men with children from previous relationships, I wanted mine to be number one priority and know that's an unreasonable ask.

whooosh · 04/08/2008 20:33

As the eldest from a "first" relationship-YANBU!

My two half-siblings went to private and then public schools,had extensive dental treatment,wear nothing but designer clothes,luxury holidays,had brand new cars bought for them just because,both had homes bought for them -not birthday or Xmas-and are basically completely and utterly over-indulged.

AM I bitter for going to the village primary,local comp and not to uni-not really but if I could have what he spent on them so I could inves tin DD then that is a whole new ball game.....

That said-I am happy and am definitely a better person although I do love them.

findtheriver · 04/08/2008 20:34

Of course they should treat all their children equally

Nagapie · 04/08/2008 20:35

But whoosh - sometimes that sort of favouritism happens even in 'non-step' families...

chipmonkey · 04/08/2008 21:14

Whooosh but unfortunately not surprised. I know of one guy who stopped seeing his dd altogether ( she was about 5) because his new gf didn't want him to see her.

expatinscotland · 04/08/2008 21:18

here

it's a long thread but you only need to start reading from today's posts from about 5PM.

YANBU, noonki.

There are MANY step-parents here who feel the same way.

Original poster
noonki · 04/08/2008 21:25

that is what gets to me chipmonkey-

when I met met my Dp I knew he had a child, and though it hasn't always been easy I now love him

but even if I didn't, even if I hate his mother, I knew I was getting involved with a man with a child

I rememeber me once drunkly asking my DP if loved anyone more than me (before we had kids) and he said well apart from my DS no one...and after a bit of thought I was pleased. I think you should love your kids more than anyone else. And prioritise them all above all others, they are children.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 04/08/2008 21:28

Same here, Katie. I was an immature and selfish person before I had kids, but even then, I knew that my wanting my kids to be top priority would be completely unfair to any other children the man had from other relationships. And that that was uncool.

After all, doesn't EVERY mother think her kids come second to none?

georgimama · 04/08/2008 21:29

Madness, have had so many similar discussions I've stopped metaphorically beating myself around the head and try not to engage anymore (am clearly not succeeding though).

There are lies, damned lies and statistics but it is a pretty credible statistic that 50% of non resident fathers lose all contact with their child within 3 years of splitting with the mother.

With step mothers like that around, no wonder eh?

chipmonkey · 04/08/2008 21:31

noonki, obviously a good sign that he was a suitable person to have children with!

beanieb · 04/08/2008 21:35

I've read the other thread. I agree, a parent who has children from different relaionships should prioritise them all equally. Emptionally and financially if they are allowed to by the other parent. Obviously in some cases one parent may be denied the ability to emotionally support a child because either because if the law or the other parent's attitude.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 04/08/2008 21:36

YANBU - I have a DSD (16) from DH's previous relationship. I don't think I would have gone on to have my children with him if he had been willing to throw her over, however sure I was that we wouldn't split, because I would have thought that he was an utter shit.

Of course it can be hard juggling this sort of family arrangement, and I have told him that I would be very unhappy if he ever made our children feel second-best to DSD - but by that I meant that I wanted and expected him to prioritise them all equally. And I primarily meant emotionally, not in terms of cash spent or anything like that.

Think we're all doing a pretty good job

Of course, it helps that our DCs together are so little, as the big difference in ages means that there's not much scope for comparing. And we haven't got to choose between them when it comes to helping out with costs for university or anything like that - of course we'll help DSD, and will have time to save up and do it all again by the time our DCs will be going .

Thisismynewname · 04/08/2008 21:39

Why are we having this conversation over here and not on the linked thread though?

MamaMaiasaura · 04/08/2008 21:41

noonki - yanbu

Original poster
noonki · 04/08/2008 22:02

hi TSMNN - having here as don't want to hijack that thread!

Mog - we have a big age gap too, which is a blessing in some ways... when it comes to uni we are encouraging them all to leave school at the earliest opportunity and start paying their way

seriously though it is hard being a step parent. And I did find myself getting a bit jealous that when I was pregnant that it was all so new and unique for me but that DH had already gone through it all before with someone else

but would never let that alter Dh's or my relationship with DSS

OP posts:
nzshar · 04/08/2008 22:05

This is what I have posted on the other thread, I totally agree with you noonki YANBU.
I can't beleive that you and your dp prioritise his/your children like you do hughjarsss. As a stepmum and having a one and probably only ds we are completely in the same situation. But that is where the likeness stops. Dp has regular payments but we dont think twice about the "extras" that dss needs. As far as we are concerned we have 4 members in our family and even though dss is only with us during weekends he is just as much included in our thoughts and finances as ds is.
Unfortunately dss' mum is not as finacially secure as we are and she has three more children as well as dss. We usually pay out for things like school trips, uniform, pocket money etc as well as any unexpected extras that come along.
You I think are setting yourself up for some fairly big problems in the future when she starts to realise that your child comes first in her fathers eyes, thats just not right.

May2December · 04/08/2008 22:10

What if a man has a child of 40 and a child of 4? Who is his number one priority then? Is the adult still equal to the dependant?

nzshar · 04/08/2008 22:15

Obviously not I was a stepchild at age 10. I left home at 17. My father had 5 children ranging from 2 through to 8 years old. I did not feel I had any right to be prioritise once I left home.