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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a parent should prioritise all of their children equally

172 replies

noonki · 04/08/2008 20:23

I just read a post in which it was argued that a father should prioritise a child they are living with over children from a previous relationship.

And that financially he should prioritise his new family over that of his old. TBH I am incensed.

I am a stepmum and would be shocked if my DH didn't view all of his children equally. In fact it would make me question him as a father.

He definitely has a different relationship with his first son but I think does with all of his kids.

I think attitudes like this can aggrevate issues such as father's (or in some rare cases mother's) not contributing finacially and emotionally to their children.

OP posts:
hughjarssss · 05/08/2008 12:04

Fidtheriver - That is what I am trying to say. I cannot treat dsd the same way I treat dd.

I think I worded it wrong when I said prioritse. My first obligation is to dd, I have to make sure she is fed and clothed. dsd's mum makes sure she is fed and clothed that is not a priority for me. A priority for me is making sure we pay maintence on time so dsd does not go without food or clothes.

I think I'm probably digging myself deeper but I know what I mean and it is nothing nasty or horrible.

hughjarssss · 05/08/2008 12:06

Oh feenie WTF?

I have said a thousand times on the other thread that we both treat them as equals, you would know this if you read the other thread.

newforold · 05/08/2008 12:16

I think that was hughjarrs point findtheriver. She was saying that as her DSD is not resident with them they physically cannot treat her the same, but do treat her the same emotionally.

As for the asking DSD about whether she wants to come on holidays, (was discussed earlier), i am with hughjarrs on that one. The child is 13 and won't always want to go on holiday with dad, sometimes mum might be doing something she would prefer. I think they are being considerate in that they are allowing her the choice rather than assuming that she will wish to spend the time there.

We have to do that already to some degree with DSD. For example, we are going away for a weekend in September, we asked her if she wanted to come as she has a couple of activities on a Saturday that she is currently very keen on. We gave her the choice of either missing those activities and coming away for a couple of days or to do her classes as she wished.
We have to accept that my DSD and also hughjarrs, jammi's etc have 2 family lives. Sometimes one has to compromise to allow the other to do something the child wants to do.

jellybeans · 05/08/2008 12:20

I agree with expat, if you can't afford the ones you have got, don't have more. I know there are good step mums and NRP but I know two families where the stepmums moan about paying out for their stepkids, it really has put me off them as friends and upsets me. I want to scream, 'but you knew he had kids!' and 'how would you feel if it were your kids'. In both situations, they were very nice to their DP kids at first but as soon as they had their own child things changed and they got jealous. They tried to stop the CSA money and eventually their DPs stopped contact as they got so much grief. One of them said they wished their Stepkids had never been born and that their money (£25 a week!!) was paying for the ex to go abroad!! (yeah right would just cover dinner money) So sad when it gets so bitter.

hughjarssss · 05/08/2008 12:20

Thank you newforold.

That is what I was trying to say but doing a very bad job of it

newforold · 05/08/2008 12:22

hughjarsss

nzshar · 05/08/2008 12:23

Wow I cant beleive that so many of you ask 13 year olds whether they want to go on holidays with them or not. I think if there is any doubt that they would say no then why are they saying that?! Like I have said all along I most certainly will not be asking ds if he wants to go on holiday with us at 13 and i dont know anyone who would, maybe 16/17 but not 13.
I think that maybe the relationship between all the adults may be a contributing factor. The fact that some can keep open communications going and some cant does ultimately have an effect on how the children percieve each household.

newforold · 05/08/2008 12:26

nzshar - we ask DSD as she has 2 family lives and will sometimes prefer one activity over another.
I wouldn't ask DD at the same age as she has 1 family life and therefore there is no need to consider any commitments outside of mine and DP's setup.

We do communicate very well with dp's ex partner. Which is possibly why DSD is confident enough to know that she can choose where she spends her time if she wishes.

hughjarssss · 05/08/2008 12:26

nzshar - Should I just drag her on holiday then? Tell her she can't stay with mum or do the things she wants to do? Should I tell her that she hasn't got a choice? Should I bound and gag her as well?

hughjarssss · 05/08/2008 12:28

Newforold - I should just stop posting and let you do it for me! You say what I mean but in such a better way

Feenie · 05/08/2008 12:28

Yep, you did word it wrong(ly). I can see what you mean now you have reworded it and said that prioritise is the wrong word.

You didn't do that at all on the other thread.

Maybe we could have got there more quickly if you hadn't started throwing insults about how I couldn't read. Tip for the future - just answer the point.

nzshar · 05/08/2008 12:30

newforold sorry didnt let it be known that I have a 14 year stepson as well as a 4 year old ds. We talk to him and his mother about what times are good to go and what each household has planed in regards to holidays etc. Therefore dss gets the best of both worlds.

hughjarssss · 05/08/2008 12:31

I have said the same things on both threads.

I am actually bored of repeating myself

nzshar · 05/08/2008 12:32

OFGS no what i am wondering is why these children wouldnt want to go on holiday with their fathers anyway????????

expatinscotland · 05/08/2008 12:33

That was exactly my point, edam.

As usual, got lost. I am not responsible how someone posts in response.

They are.

But if they want to try to blame me, go right ahead.

Like I said, give some people enough rope . . .

expatinscotland · 05/08/2008 12:35

Obviously the majority of posters on this thread construed such comments about 'prioritising' children in the same way I did or some this thread wouldn't have come to exist at all.

hughjarssss · 05/08/2008 12:35

I never blamed you. I just said I was responding to your post that my dp's obligation shouldn't be to our child.

Which upset me.

Feenie · 05/08/2008 12:35

You did not say anywhere that prioritise was the wrong word. You tried to explain how you treated them both equally with material things. You didn't make up for the emotional hole you created with your priority/obligation phrase. You didn't answer my point ever.

You just insulted me. Repeatedly.
And I got narky and pressed the point.

Christ knows I am bored of you. You sound like a lovely person, really, amd have come out of this really well.

Feenie · 05/08/2008 12:36

Not.

hughjarssss · 05/08/2008 12:38

Hmmm.. And you on the other hand have come of this looking like someone to lazy to read posts, very judemental and sarcastic.

expatinscotland · 05/08/2008 12:38

You miscontrued my post, HJ, and took it as a bone and ran with it to express how you feel about your second family. Your response comes from you and you only.

YOUR views in turn upset quite a few people, and obviously the OP enough to use your views as a discussion point.

hughjarssss · 05/08/2008 12:39

Look Fennie .. there's another bandwagon you can jump on .. quick, there might be people that need judging.

newforoldspeaksforhughjars · 05/08/2008 12:40

hughjarsss - i have no idea what you mean!

nzshar - my DSD does want to have holidays with her dad (my DP), however she also wants to do things with her mum. If sometimes these things clash, she can choose.
For example, her mum wanted to take her to a caravan for the first week of the holidays. I was at home for that week with DD and we were doing a weeks intensive swimming lessons for DD. DSD wanted to have that opportunity as well. Her mum called me and asked if she could be with us for that week rather than go on the holiday, i was more than happy for that to happen. It works both ways, it's not just DSD not wanting to do something with us sometimes, it's also that sometimes she prefers to be with dad rather than mum.

DSD's mum also has SD from her husbands previous as well as 2 littlies with her husband so sometimes it's not always easy to plan ahead. The caravan was booked as a last minute thing by DP's ex.
We do talk and plan schedules together also, just as you do.

expatinscotland · 05/08/2008 12:40

In your view, that may be true, HJ.

But it runs contrary to majority of the views posted on here.

You seem to like to get personal with me, HJ.

Please continue to do so, because in the future I'm going to take a leaf from Xenia's book and cut you a wide berth.

You will come to do the same once you have been on this board a while.

Good luck.

Feenie · 05/08/2008 12:41

For fuck's sake, I read every single one of your posts. Don't bleat about your partner's priorities not being his firstborn and then refuse to substantiate the comment for hours if you expect people not to be judgemental.

You can have the sarcastic

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