to think a parent should prioritise all of their children equally

[noonki]

I just read a post in which it was argued that a father should prioritise a child they are living with over children from a previous relationship.

And that financially he should prioritise his new family over that of his old. TBH I am incensed.

I am a stepmum and would be shocked if my DH didn't view all of his children equally. In fact it would make me question him as a father.

He definitely has a different relationship with his first son but I think does with all of his kids.

I think attitudes like this can aggrevate issues such as father's (or in some rare cases mother's) not contributing finacially and emotionally to their children.

Hmmm .. I don't upset newforold or jammi, who are in the same situation as me and we're quite happy to express the same feelings as I have.

Don't get going again Feenie FFS, I couldn't stand another episode of all that copying and pasting

I realise that - you seem unable to take responsiblity for many things that you type, preferring to take refuge in personal insults rather than have a sensible discussion.

And there was you attacking me and not listening to a word I was saying

I didn't - I pulled you up on one remark, and you had every opportunity to say, no , it wasn't right, and have an adult discussion.

I've read every single post you made three times now - still can't find where you answered that point or retracted it. And neither can you, or you would direct me to it instead of just repeatedly casting aspersions on my literacy skills and insulting me.

I think hughj got upset because of the implication that children in second families should come a distinct second (ie not be equal) to the children of the first family.
That made her feel very protective of her very young daughter. I suspect she worded her posts very badly, and people have read that her dh doesn't pay maintenance (which he does) or doesn't love both his children, which I'm sure he does.
Obviously HER first priority and obligation is to her daughter, not her stepdaughter. That's enshrined in law! The daughter already has a mother and father. She buys her stepdaughter things and sees her a lot, but when it comes to feeding and clothing a child, she is only mother to one child, not two. (as the other child has a mother already).
I think if, on the other thread, she had stated explicitly that her dh loved both his children equally, and that he always paid maintenance, but did not regard his younger daughter as less important or less of a priority than his older one, she would have got a more sympathetic reaction.
I think it is fair enough to ask a teenager what she wants to do with her summer. NOt all teenagers want to be away from their friends all summer, and if they have a fortnight away with their mum, they might not want to spend another fortnight out of the country and miss, say, a big party or riding lessons, or whatever they like to do. Of course you don't ask your OWN 13 year old, for a start, they have to come with you as they only have one family and one home. TBH I think most 13 year olds would still like to spend a week on holiday with their dad, but kids are all different. By 15/16 I'd guess a lot of teens would rather not go. I know a teenager who chooses to stay with her dad and stepmum sometimes rather than go on holiday with her mum, stepdad and much younger siblings and that's all OK.

Can the pair of you please stop rowing and laugh at my name change instead??

FGS, this is the first time ever i've done a "humorous" name change and you're all too wrapped up in yourselves to feckin congratulate me...

(stomps off muttering emoticon)

ROFL!

Thats Fab newforold. You are now my new spokesperson!

MsDemeanor - thank you for understanding and taking the time to explain it to others who don't

hughjarsss

you may regret this you know, i do like to promote frootshoots as a nutritional option, in fact, i often say they count as one of your 5 a day.....

If it was an older child in the same family though there are certain situations in which the elder child would come first so IMO it should be the same with a persons children whetehr they live together or not.

IF DD&DS both wanted to go on a school trip, for example, and we couldn't afford them both, Dd would go, because she is older, and DS will have the chance next time, sadly it comes across that some stepmothers would think their child should get the trip and not the stepdaughter.

The wicked stepmother is not a myth. Or not simply a myth. Some step parents are quite revolting to their step-children and refuse to acknowledge or support any pre-existing obligations. Some of course are fabulous, and some muddle through.

Now HJ made quite a few posts that sounded as though her sd was not a full member of the family and never explained them properly, just got a bit insulting with other posters.

newforold

You won't get out of it that easy!

I don't think any stepmums on this thread have said that VS?

Quatt - Are you saying I am a wicked step mother?

No-one has said that but there have definitely been undertones of 'That woman, my dh's ex and her child are not taking anything away from my PFB'.

shame this thread turned into a personal point - lots of other people made points not related specifically to the other thread which were completely ignored.

Thats the way it goes sometiems I suppose.

If I respond to that newforold, it will all kick of again, so I'll leave that one for you in your official role as my spokesperson

Where VS? I haven't seen that?

True Kewcumber, i think threads do sometimes go with the "burning issue" rather than evolve along wider debates. Tis the nature of an internet forum though i think.

hughjarsss.

FROOTSHOOTS and GREGGS are the best nutrition ever...

Can I put a dislcaimer on that!

I agree that of course sometimes the child of the first family should have priority with the FATHER (ie if they are both doing plays at the same time, same day, and one is nursery play at age two, and one is big production at age 13, then the father should go to the older child's play. HOwever, I would expect the STEPMOTHER to prioritise her child in this situation and go to her child's nursery play. I also think that while the stepchild is actually in the stepmother's house, she should be treated as absolutely and completely equal in every way and indeed is often prioritised, as the children are siblings and that's the way it is in families. I'm sure Hughj does that - I certainly hope so! ie if the 13 year old is desperate to go shopping in Top Shop, then ideally someone will take her, not drag her along to baby swimming or to feed the ducks every single time. With a teenage stepdaughter and an eight month old baby, I'd say the stepdaughter's entertainment should probably come first, especially if she's not around much. ie the dad can take her to the cinema and then they all go to Pizza Express or whatnot. ie not only do things suitable for a baby.