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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL picks up my DS from moses basket/pram etc without asking or telling me...

55 replies

Essie3 · 04/08/2008 13:48

AIBU? This really gets to me. I turn my back for a minute and she's got him out of his pram (sleeping or not!). He's 7 weeks old. This makes me so upset. My own mother asks me if she can pick him up. I just feel it's a bit more respectful, but with my MIL, I feel like an accessory to the grandchild (and an annoying one to her at that!).
Is it my general annoyance at MIL's behaviour blowing things out of proportion? And any suggestions on how to deal with this? ['Get over it, Essie' ]

OP posts:

mumblechum · 04/08/2008 13:48

Get over it Essie.

nappyaddict · 04/08/2008 13:50

It would annoy me if he was sleeping but otherwise it wouldn't bother me.

onepieceoflollipop · 04/08/2008 13:50

I would probably grit my teeth unless the baby was asleep. In that case I would say very casually as she arrives, something like "oooh it took hours to get him off today, we will have to wait until later before we can cuddle him again" and hope she takes the hint.

aGalChangedHerName · 04/08/2008 13:50

I didn't let anyone pick mine up when they were asleep. Just tell her to wait till he is awake.

Caz10 · 04/08/2008 13:50

VERY annoying if he's sleeping, less so if he's not

if it was my MIL though she pisses me off just by being in the same room

TheOriginalXENA · 04/08/2008 13:51

you do have to grin and bear bare?? it. Fwiw when DS1 was born she drove me mad, now I can't wait for her to stay for the weekend and help supervise the DC's!

TheHedgeWitch · 04/08/2008 13:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bubblagirl · 04/08/2008 14:01

i think its natural to feel this way but in all honesty i never did feel; this way was more than happy for anyone to fuss my ds

made me feel good to see him so loved and gave me a break also

but i can understand why some people may not like it my sis was extremely anti anyone touching her ds maybe why i was different as i felt sad i couldnt shower my nephew with affection and felt so uneasy around them

Shitehawk · 04/08/2008 14:01

If he's awake, you have to "Get over it, Essie"!

Otherwise, as you put him into his moses basket, tell her "He's asleep, I want him to stay that way. Please don't pick him up".

Don't rely on hints; she won't pick up on them and you will just get more irritated because you think you've made yourself clear when you haven't. Give her a direct instruction. If she goes to the cot, say "I asked you not to pick him up; leave him to sleep please". When you leave the room, remind her again that she isn't to pick him up.

If she does pick him up, simply take him from her and put him back into his moses basket. Repeat "I don't want him taking out, can you leave him there please".

Be clear about what you won't allow her to do; if you want her to follow your rules she has to know what those rules are.

posieflump · 04/08/2008 14:04

oh I used to hate it when I was staying at inlaws when either of mine were newborns. We'd get them off to sleep in the day, sit down for dinner, MIL or dh's grandma would suddenly disappear 'to the loo, 10 sconds later baby crying , 'oh I just popped my head round the door , I'm sure I didn't disturb him'
cue me having to b/feed all through dinner beause they couldn't leave well alone

JuneBugJen · 04/08/2008 14:08

Please dont say anthing directly... my sister told me off for doing this with her 1st baby (before I knew about babies!)

I was so chastened I never picked her up again.

Perhaps say at the beginning that you dont want them to be disturbed. If its too late, grin and beear it. Its annoying but hey...

greenlawn · 04/08/2008 14:18

AAAggh - I used to get the same as posieflump, I'd have just got mine off to sleep and along would come MIL, fussing and fannying about with a blanket or a hat (she was always horrified that babies nowadays don't wear a woolly hat indoors at all times - comes from the days of not having central heating I guess) - cue quiet crying followed by full-on screaming followed by "oooh how did that happen? Grandma KNEW you weren't ready for a sleep ...".

Congratulations by the way!

noonki · 04/08/2008 14:30

if sleeping a bit annoying so mention to her not to pick up while sleeping

if not oh go on let her ---when I am a granny I would hate to have to ask every single time I pick him up

FranSanDisco · 04/08/2008 14:39

I remember an incident with MIL when ds was in his basket asleep. I told her I had just put him down so could she wait till he woke and left the room to make tea. When I came back in she said "he made a nosie" and was holding him. I had to leave the room to calm down. I understand how annoying it can be. I'm happy my MIL lives at the other end of the country.

mrschop · 04/08/2008 16:37

My MIL was one for racing me to the moses basket at every squeak - post-C-section she usually beat me - until I took a big breath (exasperated!) and said to her 'I need to find my own way with him' (my first child, her first GC). It was quite simple but she got the message that I was still getting to know him and her 'help' wasn't really what I wanted at that stage.

It kept the peace early on and now, with 2DC's, she is an absolute GODSEND. Always willing to babysit, very loving with them. So I know how you feel - I was really possessive with my first child and I didn't want him picked up at will. I was different with my second, but it doesn't make how you are feeling now any less valid.

thefortbuilder · 04/08/2008 17:03

my MIL did this with ds1 and stil ldoes it - he's 2 now... if he falls asleep in his buggy she'll just try and make him a bit more comfortable by moving his head - he's asleep he is comfortable already!

she came to stay when ds2 was born and having learnt from picking ds1 up at the slightest peep, we were determined to let ds2 settle himself, snuffle around, make the odd yelp etc. a friend came round to visit and when she walked into the room where ds2 was in moses basket, he happened to stop his yelp - MIL came out with "have you committed the sin of picking the baby up?"

you can't win one way or the other

OurHamsterisevil · 04/08/2008 18:05

I had this with MIL when DS" was born. THe first two days of his life he was never put down. It drove me crazy. We ended up with real problems trying to get him to settle in his crib.

You should ask her not to pick him up when you have put him down.

ilovemydog · 04/08/2008 18:12

I think you need to work out a subtle was of letting her know that you would like to be consulted.

Could you arrange for your mom to be there at same time as mil, and when your mom asks to pick him up, say, 'I'd rather you didn't, but thanks for asking...'

theSuburbanDryad · 04/08/2008 18:20

I used to wear ds in a wrap for this precise reason. MIL used to drive up the wall hoiking ds around and saying, "Oh I'll get him back to sleep," by basically holding his so tight he couldn't do anything but go to sleep. If we were round there, ds was in the sling/wrap!

Mine · 04/08/2008 19:08

why would anybody in their right mind want to pick up a sleeping baby?!!!!!

You;d have to be a really idiot!

newpup · 04/08/2008 19:36

I think its a mil thing to drive us all mad. Mine too drove me insane doing this. I tried to be subtle with hints etc. Even when I said outright 'please leave her alone, we let her stay in her crib when she is peaceful' I would leave the room and she would have her out . Luckily for me my sil had a baby a few months later so mil abandoned us to fuss over her.

idontbelieveit · 04/08/2008 19:43

mine used to drive me mad also. Once when we had left her babysitting a sleeping 6 month old we arrived home and she walked into the bedroom and turned the light on and got her out of the basket to check her....I was LIVID!

kittywise · 04/08/2008 19:47

If the baby was asleep anyone who went to pick them up would be lynched immediately

If they were awake I'd be bloody grateful that some else was there to help with cuddle duty.

nickytwotimes · 04/08/2008 19:47

I'd go nuts if someone picked up a sleeping baby.
Welcome to the wonderful world of interfering grandparents.

kittywise · 04/08/2008 19:49

Mind you you should all be blooming grateful that your children have got grandparents that love them and want to be with them.
You are their mothers not their owners and should allow grandparents to have their own relationship with the grandchildren.

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