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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL picks up my DS from moses basket/pram etc without asking or telling me...

55 replies

Essie3 · 04/08/2008 13:48

AIBU? This really gets to me. I turn my back for a minute and she's got him out of his pram (sleeping or not!). He's 7 weeks old. This makes me so upset. My own mother asks me if she can pick him up. I just feel it's a bit more respectful, but with my MIL, I feel like an accessory to the grandchild (and an annoying one to her at that!).
Is it my general annoyance at MIL's behaviour blowing things out of proportion? And any suggestions on how to deal with this? ['Get over it, Essie' ]

OP posts:
newpup · 04/08/2008 20:05

Kittywise. Are you a granny? Or do you have lots of children?

MatNanPlus · 04/08/2008 20:08

If asleep padlock a insect net over

MatNanPlus · 04/08/2008 20:08

Joking obviously but a pleasent dream for Essie.

kittywise · 04/08/2008 20:25

newpup, I've got many monkeys

herladyship · 04/08/2008 20:38

agree with kittywise, be glad your little ones are so loved! i used to get het up about my 2 when they were babies, but now they are older i can see how valuable their close relationship with their grandparents is..

it won't last forever, ds is nearly 14 and his grandparents are no longer able to lift him

ipanemagirl · 04/08/2008 21:40

I think it's very unreasonable of her if he's asleep! You have to be assertive about that I guess! But it's harder if he's awake unless you are one of those lovely assertive people who's able to say "Actually I'd rather you ask before you pick him up, I need to get him used to being left for short periods without his being cuddled!"

I managed with the mil and fil to be assertive about them feeding him stuff before he was weaned and later, pouring sugar on things! I just said, he really doesn't need it yet, I'd rather he didn't have any at all thanks! And beamed warmly.

Very irritating.

Elkat · 04/08/2008 23:27

Agree that it is bloody annoying and can show a total lack of disregard for how you are trying to raise your child. My MIL used to do that with DD1 all the time, even though she knew we wanted her to go to sleep in her moses basket, and not be cuddled to sleep. It used to drive me insane. But then she used to take my daughter off me when she was crying too. Thankfully, she lost interest in my DDs once they got out of the baby stage and we're now left to get on with things in peace. Fingers crossed she'll back off a bit soon.

kittywise · 05/08/2008 08:38

elkat let's hope you're children don't ever say this ; 'Thankfully, she lost interest in my DDs once they got out of the baby stage and we're now left to get on with things in peace. Fingers crossed she'll back off a bit soon.' about you.
You sound like a very ungrateful person

kittywise · 05/08/2008 08:38

your not you're

kitbit · 05/08/2008 09:05

Get a sling! I've yet to find anyone with enough cheek to go rummaging about in a sling to remove a sleeping baby from its mother! Worked for us

MmeLindt · 05/08/2008 09:12

If DC was asleep then I would be very annoyed and would tell her to leave the baby alone.

Is MIL around a lot? Does she interfere in other ways?

Otherwise, "Get over it Essie!"

VinegarTits · 05/08/2008 09:51

I would be annoyed too, mil's can be a pita but you just have to rise above it and smile sweetly, then spit in her tea when shes not looking

Elkat · 05/08/2008 11:02

Kitty, I doubt they ever would because I would respect my daughters and how they wish to parent. Further, I would never take a screaming child away from its mother. I think the issue is learning boundaries - and some people don't seem to understand that the boundaries are different when the child is not yours. I am always very careful never to overstep the mark with other people's children, something that some MILs (including the OPs)seem to struggle with. They can be a bit overexcited / overzealous in those early days... but they soon learn to calm down a bit. Sounds like the OPs MIL does need to learn this - or at least learn to ask if it is okay to pick the baby up (another boundary issue). IMHO, the MIL is overstepping the mark because she is making the new mum feel uncomfortable.

mustsleep · 05/08/2008 11:15

my milis like this and i hate her holding them when they are babies as she stinks of smoke but doesn;t realise or believe anythngbad relating to babies and cigarette smoke

we just made a point of saying to her before dd was born that we would not be holding her to get her to sleep and she would be left to settle herself as ds was a nightmare and had to be swaddled and then it was like an MI5 mission to get him into his cot without him waking
so she wasn;t too bad after that, but still comeout with the old oh is he/she breathing i do worry etc

kittywise · 05/08/2008 14:01

elkat I asked you that because you first post was very disingenuous.
Remember that you too will do things to piss your kids off mightily when they have children of their own and I'm sure it will not be intentional.
It would be a better stance perhaps to show a bit of compassion and appreciation.
You children are lucky that they are so loved, don't knock it.

TenaciousG · 05/08/2008 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

taliac · 05/08/2008 14:20

My MIL is like MrsChop's. At first it was quite difficult to have her walking round cuddling the DDs whether they were asleep or awake. And it did lead indirectly to some sleep issues with DD1 as she took quite a long time to learn to self settle.

BUT now they are older, they adore her and she them, and she babysits at any and every opportunity giving us a much needed break.

So win win really.

SiennaMillerLovesBotoxFiller · 05/08/2008 14:23

If he is sleeping it would annoy the hell out of me. babies just want to sleep FGS. tell he rshe's welcome to pick him up when he's awake and preferably yelling

Sobernow · 05/08/2008 14:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SixSpotBurnet · 05/08/2008 14:34

Hear hear Sobernow.

As the mother of sons (and no daughters) I find all the MIL-bashing on MN very depressing.

Kewcumber · 05/08/2008 14:38

I will (hopefully) be a MIL one day (odd thought) and I will (hopefully) feel the same way about my gransdchildrne as my mum does about DS. I probably couldn't resist having a cuddle and asking for permission would make me feel very sad.

Of course if the baby we 5 days old or sleeping would entirely expect my DIL to start a thread about me , otherwise I hope she would be told "Get over it Essie"

kittywise · 05/08/2008 14:39

tenacious, it is the tone of the post that I find unpleasant and her attitude, it's just not nice. I can't quite put my finger on it but it leaves a nasty 'taste' iyswim?
I'm not projecting I think it's a real shame that people can't appreciate what they've got.
Yes mil's,people in general do things to piss us off.

One day we will be those mil's and no matter how wonderful, sensitive, respectful blah, blah we think we are we WILL piss our daughters/dil's off and they WIll be slagging us off. It's a given I'm afraid because that's life.

TenaciousG · 05/08/2008 14:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cocolepew · 05/08/2008 14:46

It's not general MIL bashing though, is it? The OP has asked an opinion on ONE thing her MIL does that annoys her,. She is asking if she is being unreasonable. Not all MILs a a great help etc. I HATE my MIL I can't even bear to be in the same room as her. But she has giving more than enough reasons to hate her, I'm not running her down without good reason.

TenaciousG · 05/08/2008 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.