...to be asked if baby was planned by midwife

[raindropsonroses]

to be irritated by the midwife asking at booking-in appointment if the baby was planned.
Surely it has no relevance and is none of her business. Or..it is a standard question and I am being unreasonable?

You must tell us how you get on with it, it would be great to see it more widespread.

My hospital uses the Red Dot scheme on the urine sample. Been in one toilet where a dot has been pulled off the poster.

That's good cause he's never going to see it there and you may not have your notes with you in the loo. Is it the sort of toilet with a hatch so you don't have to carry your sample around with you too?

i had never heard of the red dot thing, you could just put it on the underside of the lid and 'he' would not see, then midwife could always arrange to see woman, perhaps even a home visit when 'he' isnt there

kiskidee - one woman is a start

Haven't read the thread because DS2 is kicking off, but wanted to say not only was I asked if the baby was planned this time (not a problem IMO), but also if me and DH were blood relatives.

We're not.

When you do a urine sample in our hospital, you go alone into the female toilet, can remove a red dot off the poster that is staring you in the face when you sit on the loo and place it on the urine sample container. You would generally hand it straight to the MW as for me anyway, I tend not to bring a sample with me, she gives me a bottle during my appt and I would hand it straight back to her as it is during my appt so there is no need to hold on to it or show it to anyone.

The poster says that if you are accompanied at the time, the midwife will take note of the red dot and only speak to you about DV when it is safe to do so. I guess then Duty of Care things start to swing into action and they can create a scenario so they can speak to you in confidence.

The red dot thing does sounds good.

I was flummoxed to be asked if DH was the father of my baby - in front of him - and I did ask the mw if she really thought I'd say he wasn't in front of him. These questions do need to be thought through.

My MW seemed very disbelieving when it came to the drugs question. I'd already explained that I didn't drink (see earlier post) and she asked if I took drugs. I confirmed that indeed I did not. SHe then listed all the class As and Bs she could possibly state, and seemed increasingly disbelieving when I gave a negative response to each of the questions.

When we left the appointment I did ask him if I looked life I might be a drug addict, as she seemed so insistent about it!

llareggub, your MW sounds like a bit of a nutter tbh and quite disrespectful of you. Do you live in an "interesting" area where lots of people do take drugs and are secret alcoholics? Do you have a doppelganger, maybe, who is a gin-swilling crack addict? No? MW = Nutter, then.

I love this red dot idea and wish I worked in AN care just to get it introduced! I think if I went to my maternity unit now with the idea, I would be unceremoniously shown the door as it is none of my beeswax. Will wait until pg again (fingers x'd) and then mention it, if spaghetti brain doesn't kick in too badly. Should be made national - but then nothing in the English NHS is truly national (I believe the Scottish NHS is better at this)

Not sure about twinkle3869's post - maybe her mws could have missed something. I'd rather have the interrogation, personally.

notcitrus - i was about 15 weeks when i felt kicking rumbling. no idea coz i was breast feeding. dont understand how woman can not know they're pregnant till baby falls out!! (you see these stories in papers) i had no other signs. no period as was bf.

I answered truthfully on the "have you been drinking alcohol?" question that I had half a glass of wine on a couple of occasions. I then got a long and inaccurate lecture on how that could cause FASD. I wished I had lied and claimed that not a drop of alcohol had passed my lips.

The MW proceeded to put the smoking question to me twice and seemed doubtful when I denied smoking. She went on about the risks of smoking to the baby. She seemed suspicious when asking about drugs as well.

That meant that when she finally got around to asking if I had ever been treated for depression - I lied and said no. Stupid really, since it is probably on my medical file but I felt I was being interrogated and that I might be treated with even less respect if I admitted to having taken a course of prozac!

I still don't think it appropriate for a MW to ask if the baby was planned. They ask about folic acid, drinking etc anyway. It is nobody's business whether a wanted pregnancy was planned or not.

but what if what you really want is a termination not a baby?

but everyone has said "how marvellous" or "no daughter of mine is having an abortion - she wants the baby don't you?"

this might be the only opportunity a young or vulnerable woman gets to say - "not planned; don't want it; no-one is listening to me"

and nataliejane - that's a standard question again It's about cousin marriages and increased risk of congenital malformations/illnesses. No insult to you. Cousin marriages are not that unusual.

Gagarin - I still think the woman has the same opportunity to ask for an abortion if the mw just asks how she feels about the pg. No need to go into the history. It may have been planned, but things changed after conception.

i can see what you mean by being irritated. ours was unplanned, but we were happy with the news. not everyone is.
i didn't mind saying the pregnancy was unplanned,it isn't her business but then she's only having to ask that as part of her duty as a midwife to find out if it may affect your mental state later on down the line. Dont take it personally.

re: alcohol, first time round I misunderstood the question and thought that it meant how much alcohol were you drinking pre-baby.

I said about 10-15 units per week - which is what I had been drinking before we had conceived. My MW didn't say a thing!! It was only later that someone said "er, you might want to cut down on your drinking" and I said "what drinking?!"

I ticked yes on the alcohol question but didn't give an amount. I just said "I do drink but not enough to be able to tell you this many a week".

elmo - I think I'd have noticed, or at least done a test, around 18 weeks as my breasts started itching like mad and changing colour, and then I started getting some movement.

But I'm now a lot more understanding of women who don't notice their pregnancy until really late - although clearly the ones who get as far as birth don't have one that's a kick-boxer like Squirmy!

Actually I was surprised not to get any questions about fears or previous trauma that pregnancy might bring up - or maybe that was sort of covered in the mental health section and the discussion of depression.

I'm 14 weeks and don't think I'd really know if I hadn't tested. I don't have any real cycle because I'm still breastfeeding, I'm completely symptom free apart from my breasts that are feeling a little bruised, which I could have passed off as anything. I've put weight on but my weight has been going up for awhile since my back has stopped me being as active as I'm used to and I still wear maternity jeans because they're more comfortable on my scar.

OP Its just a standard question as far as i know, to check you are 'ok' with the pg - i wouldn't worry about it, Congratulations

What is rude however is when you go for a booking appointment with your GP to be told that maybe we should start abstaining or thinking of 'perminent' contraception , wasn't the word, i told her to mind her own and walked out!!

I've had the contraception thing, I'd forgotten that. It's almost like an assumption it wasn't planned and they need to tell you how to avoid it in future.

YANBU, With DS's I was asked by GP, how I felt about the pregnancy (I'd walked in and said "I'm Pregnant") The frist time I saw the midwife she mad a home visit, and asked me if I was being forced into keeping the pregnancy(SIL has given her a funny look, as she didn't know I was pg)I had to convince the midwife I really wanted the baby, adn everybody else thought it was a bad idea. With DD I told the midwife straight away she wasn't planned, and she was good a pursuading me it can be good to have lots of children when you're old. Didn't do anything to help recognise I had PND, though, as I was forgotton about by midwife/ HV after the birth.

none of our children have been 'planned' we always wanted lots of them but have never sat and said 'right we're going to start ttc' (thankfully we have been very lucky to be able to have them ) - they weren't 'planned' but they also weren't unwanted and we have been very happy every time we've found out we were having another baby

I said this to the gp before i walked out, thankfully we have since moved and i don't have to deal with her anymore