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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be asked if baby was planned by midwife

134 replies

raindropsonroses · 03/08/2008 00:20

to be irritated by the midwife asking at booking-in appointment if the baby was planned.
Surely it has no relevance and is none of her business. Or..it is a standard question and I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PinkPussyCat · 03/08/2008 14:44

What Greenlawn said.

YABU

VictorianSqualor · 03/08/2008 14:55

I've been asked every time, partly because they wanted to know whether to discuss termination or not...

CaptFabioHiltsCatInTheCooler · 03/08/2008 15:01

Oh dear, VS.

You can always say 'Why do you ask?' if you think the question is out of order. But agree with everyone else, tis standard, for reasons given, PND etc.

Or you've a nosy midwife.

cheesesarnie · 03/08/2008 15:02

yabu.its not hugely nosey or insulting.

what is rude(imo) is when i went to gp to confirm i was pregnant with 3rd dc instead of saying congratulations or whatever he said 'i think you need to think about long term contraception'

VictorianSqualor · 03/08/2008 15:05

Actually I think the first time I was pg they did discuss termination, straight away, but with the second two it was more carefully worded, more like "So, is this a happy discovery or are you here to discuss your options?"

motherinferior · 03/08/2008 17:22

I was quite pleased to be asked, actually. It wasn't, and I was still in shock.

GP also asked, at my first appt, 'are you pleased to be pregnant' and I was grateful he put it that way too.

Mercy · 03/08/2008 17:27

My GP asked me the same thing, MI.

And when I saw a midwife for the first time I was asked how long had I been tryign to conceive (which in view of my age was also a reasonable question)

Slightly better ways of asking the same question really.

Ambi · 03/08/2008 20:23

cheesesarnie, that is awful. When I went to the GP to confirm my pg, she asked if I was keeping it. I really took me back as I didn't expect that at all.

wulfstan · 03/08/2008 20:25

yabu. You might not have been taking folic acid. That's why they ask

motherinferior · 03/08/2008 20:27

But Ambi, why shouldn't that question be asked? As I've noted above, I found it a huge relief that my GP might acknowledge that I hadn't been 'trying for a baby'.

nickytwotimes · 03/08/2008 20:28

Standard question here too.
Pg hormones making you touchy?

Agree with others asking though - that is farking rude!

chefswife · 03/08/2008 20:38

maybe not so unreasonable from a health care practitioner but perhaps finding a better way of getting to the crux of our mental health would make that question not seem so invasive. from friends and family though, it pisses me off. it's one question that people need to understand is not a nice question to ask. DH and i have been together for 18 years and we were asked that question by many people.

VictorianSqualor · 03/08/2008 20:42

wulfstan makes a good point, they do like to know if you have been taking folic acid and the like.

Also I think it's only right they ask you what you want to do, if you were considering termination and they just assumed you were keeping baby and happy about it it could really mess you up, much more so than asking if you had thought about your options if you are planning on keeping it.

2luvlyboys · 03/08/2008 20:43

YABU. I was asked that by the midwife but not for all 4 of my pregnancies. Two resulted in miscarriages unfortunately. As my 1st pregnancy was as a direct result of fertility drugs and many years of hoping longing and praying I couldn't help but smile at that question. I think I said something like you could say that YES!! Unfortunately that pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. I saw the same midwife for my next pregnancy and this time she didn't need to ask that question but instead gave me her heartfelt congratulations! The result this time was the first of my 2 lovely boys!

Original poster
raindropsonroses · 03/08/2008 21:48

maybe I was being a tad unreaonable, it was just hadn't I been asked with my previous pregnancies.
I was twelve weeks pregnant too, although wouldn't I see the doctor rather than the midwife if I wanted a termination

OP posts:
elmoandella · 03/08/2008 21:53

mine wasn't planned. and i was glad i was asked. i was in terrible shock. it was such a relief to be asked and midwife had a wee chat with me. gave me a couple of calls and things too just to make sure i was doing ok.

girliefriend · 03/08/2008 22:02

I don't think you are being that unreasonable, I would have felt awkward as well as my dd was most def not planned at all! Think I gave my midwife this info voluntarily, he didn't ask and when I said the baby was not planned he said the best ones never are!!! Which was such a relief (not to be judged) and made my day! XxX

theyoungvisiter · 03/08/2008 22:09

Also, I did make this point earlier along with folic acid but I think it's got a bit lost, if the baby is unplanned you may have drunk heavily or taken drugs that interact with the pregnancy and they might need to ask you about that.

If a baby isn't planned you often don't find out about it as quickly because you aren't looking for the signs.

I am really surprised that people feel so defensive about this - it's a perfectly reasonable medical question. My DS was unplanned but I never felt embarrassed or judged by the question when it came up. Why would I? I have nothing to feel ashamed about.

whatdayisit · 03/08/2008 22:26

YABU - it's relevant to your care, as others have said.

At least you haven't had the same experience as my friend. When she told her boss she was expecting, he said "are you going to keep it?" No-one ever dreamed she would be a mother, as she appeared to hate kids (a defense mechanism I think) but still

hanaflower · 03/08/2008 22:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 03/08/2008 22:37

When I told my GP I was pregnant, there was a loooooooooong pause. Eventually she asked 'and is this a happy event, or do you want to discuss termination?'

Completely threw me as I was very excited and had no idea at all that wasn't showing on my face or in my tone of voice!

bethoo · 03/08/2008 22:39

my gp asked me when i told her, ''is this good news?'' which i thought was nice as a bit more sublte but my mw said that if it was unplanned and i was not using anything then it was ''subconsciously'' planned. i liked that

edam · 03/08/2008 22:40

Oh yeah, I was mystified when the midwife said the blood test checked for sickle cell anaemia or something, as she was going through a booking in form that stated dh and I are both boring White British. I queried it, and she pointed out quite reasonably that either of us could have a Black grandparent or great-grandparent or something but categorise ourselves as 'white' on a form.

Flibbertyjibbet · 03/08/2008 22:40

Try being 40 and pg for the first time - Several people said 'and are you keeping it?' as if the fact that I was 40 wrote me off as a mother

After that I hardly noticed what the medical profession asked.

notcitrus · 03/08/2008 22:53

My booking-in involved me reading the questions off the screen and telling the midwife the answers, so I know it was a standard question.

It was followed by 'how long had you been ttc' and 'have you been taking folic acid', leading into a gentle discussion about scans and tests (I'd already missed any chance for most of them, but luckily was both aware of that and not fussed).

When I went to my GP and said "You've sent me a letter saying my blood test means I'm pregnant", he checked my data, said "HELL yes!" followed by "How do you feel about that?", which I think was a good neutral way to respond (after I'd said 'over the moon but I don't believe it', he palpated me a bit, said a definite congratulations, and packed me off for an urgent dating scan).

I can't remember how the midwife phrased the other sensitive questions - they were along the lines of 'do you have a partner''is your partner supportive' and 'should you or anyone you know encounter abuse or domestic violence, here's a helpline number on the back of your notes'. Plus a bit on mental health history and future worries, which reassured me about PND quite a bit.