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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to be asked if baby was planned by midwife

134 replies

raindropsonroses · 03/08/2008 00:20

to be irritated by the midwife asking at booking-in appointment if the baby was planned.
Surely it has no relevance and is none of her business. Or..it is a standard question and I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
elmoandella · 03/08/2008 22:55

notcitrus how many weeks were you by time you found out

elkiedee · 03/08/2008 23:05

I think I was asked and assumed it was a standard question - first time we'd been trying for 9 months and the second time it was the first go so I was a bit surprised when I started feeling symptoms. I must confess I didn't think to start the folic acid even second time round (I didn't know the first time round as I didn't seek medical advice or really practice any formal ttc stuff other than not using contraception).

solidgoldbrass · 03/08/2008 23:09

I didn't mind being asked stuff like this by the MW but I do remember being a bit taken aback by people I knew socially asking me if I was going to keep the baby.

PinkTulips · 04/08/2008 00:04

i was asked this repeatedly when preg with dd. about 7 times at the hospital appointment where they were trying to convince me i'd miscarried

i felt at the time it was purely based on my age (20) and was extremely annoyed, especially by the tone they asked in.

the only thing i can imagine it affects is that you may not have been taking folic acid so they need to be more aware of spina bifida... but surely they could just ask 'were you taking folic acid prior to conception?' in that case?

LadyOfWaffle · 04/08/2008 00:12

I was asked this, I presumed it was so they could get a jist of how you felt about the pregnancy (which I was also asked !?!), how you'd maybe cope? I am so used to it being 22, people really just presume/assume alot. I get frigged off at the 'teenage pregnancy' tick box also, I had DS at 19 but he was planned, I was married blah blah blah... I just turn a blind eye to it all now.

LadyOfWaffle · 04/08/2008 00:15

I do wonder why they ask what your DHs job is though... is it because of exposure to chemicals or something, or a social thing?

PotPourri · 04/08/2008 00:16

I think that is a standard question, and it is to help assess if you are more at risk of stress/pnd etc.

I found teh whole thing very intrusive too, adn made sure I answered all the questions blandly.

nooka · 04/08/2008 00:22

The majority of pregnancies are unplanned, mostly not in the strictly accidental sense, but many people fall pregnant without consciously TTC. My dd was a surprise. We had intended to have more children, but not quite yet. So she was unplanned, but not unwanted. I don't think that health professionals asking this question are thining that having a baby that isn't planned is necessarily a bad thing, it's just all part of the pregnancy story. I have asked friends who have announced pregnancies out of the blue the same question - I don't see why it should be considered rude (I don't ask strangers/acquantances this sort of question because it's a bit intimate).

solo · 04/08/2008 00:31

I was asked this too with Dd, but I don't think it was asked with Ds.
I was more shocked(when I had to take Dd to A&E at 3 months when I nicked the end of one of her fingers and it wouldn't stop bleeding)to be asked if my two children had the same father . I was too shocked to ask him why he was asking! but bloody hell! WHY?

PinkTulips · 04/08/2008 00:38

solo.... that's fairly weird alright at an a&e visit

i was asked that by the PHN (HV) who came to visit us after ds was born.

she asked 'do they have the same dad' while dp was sitting there with 18 month old dd snuggled on his lap playing with his beard

Original poster
raindropsonroses · 04/08/2008 00:38

Just remembered also..
I left the box for religion blank in the notes as there wasn't a box to tick for lapsed Methodist... and I didn't think it was relevant
The (rather shirty) hospital receptionist told me I had to fill in that part and I was given no choice. So you can't always refuse to answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
raindropsonroses · 04/08/2008 00:40

to be asked if the children had the same dad now that is unreasonable.

OP posts:
Ambi · 04/08/2008 00:47

Perhaps a better question would be how do you feel about your pregnancy? If its meant to be a leading question. I understand its a basic question by hcp to ascertain whether you are fully commited etc, but I guess I'm a little precious then as it translates to me as 'not being careful were we?'. Completely unfounded I know, but family planning to me is exactly that. I played Russian roulette with contraception when I as young, and it smarts of being treated as a 15 yr old who doesn't know any better.

Please ignore me, its late and I've had a glass of wine. The majority has spoken, and that's what I love about MN. They tell you when you're being silly

ShyBaby · 04/08/2008 00:50

It could be worse....

When dd was a couple of weeks old, midwife turned up unexpectedly. I had been having a well deserved nap on the sofa, nightie on, looking like crap.

I open the door half asleep (it may have taken me a while to get to said door), midwive comes in and tuts at me. She then goes into a full rant lecture about contraception and how it isnt too soon to be pregnant again dont I know?

erm yes...single mum, totally knackered, painful c scar, im obviously humping the neighbourhood by now.

Pretty sure she thought I had a man upstairs!

I sat there like this

solo · 04/08/2008 00:51

I think so too! They don't btw, but there was no reason on the outside to ask that - they are both white - well their skins are a similar shade of white. There is over an 8 year gap too and I don't think I look like a tart, so it's not like he could've been thinking I'm a loose woman...odd, very odd!

zazen · 04/08/2008 00:54

Solo - I guess they wanted to access your genetic risk of haemophilia etc..

Apparently one in three children is a cuckoo. Just a scientific fact - not a slur on you or anyone else.

I was asked by my midwife if my DC was planned. They need to know to access your mental state. Just part of the service.

I never take these questions personally - they are professionals after all, doing a job - I always assume they need to know, and if I find a question a bit left field, I ask them why they're asking?

solo · 04/08/2008 00:55

I thought they asked as a research thing...you know...27% of women hadn't planned their pregnancy in 2011(hyperthetical figures here-I'm sure you guessed that though!).

Ambi · 04/08/2008 00:56

aw shybaby, you did well not to chuck her out ask her to leave.

ShyBaby · 04/08/2008 00:58

lol Ambi, I was too shocked. Sat there thinking "did she really just do that?". Wow!

solo · 04/08/2008 00:58

zazen, it's almost unheard of for girls to have haemophilia and if it was what he wanted to know, why not just ask that?

Ambi · 04/08/2008 01:02

solo, I never thought of it as a statistical question, but perhaps you have a point.

SparklyGothKat · 04/08/2008 01:03

I was also asked if DH was the father of Ds1 when pregnant with Dd1 I know I was 18 when I had Ds1 but I was married to DH who is the father of all my kids...

Upwind · 04/08/2008 05:59

I was asked this amoung many intrusive questeions and I did not like it.

"how do you feel about this pregnancy?" is a more appropriate way of finding out how you do feel about it, whether you were fornicating with intent is nobody's business.

I was also asked if my husband was a blood relation. Of course he is not. But it is illegal to marry a close relation and if he happened to be my third cousin once removed, again, not the midwife's business.

VictorianSqualor · 04/08/2008 08:27

I'm always asked if my children are by the same father.

DD&DS1 have a different father to my partner (DS2's dad) and it seems the world and his wife need to know that!

Even the Paed at DD's dyspraxic assessment asked me, apparently he needed to draw her family tree...

EffiePerine · 04/08/2008 08:41

Well I was asked if DH and I were related

there is a high incidence of cosanguinous marriage in my area though (with related genetic problems)

teh religion question throws me as well, though I can see the value as some religions are against particular treatments and may have other requirements (special diets and so on)

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