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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be asked if baby was planned by midwife

134 replies

raindropsonroses · 03/08/2008 00:20

to be irritated by the midwife asking at booking-in appointment if the baby was planned.
Surely it has no relevance and is none of her business. Or..it is a standard question and I am being unreasonable?

OP posts:
noonki · 04/08/2008 08:56

I can see why people are upset but there are valid reasoning behind a lot of the questioning:

  1. Asking about being related:

where I live there are lots of related people having kids - mainly first cousins (I know of three couples)

  1. Mentioning contraception straight away:

My mate got pregnant are two weeks her kids are in the same year at school, and she was v knackered!

3.Asking religion -

unfortunatley there is a much higher abortion rate of girl foetus in some religions, also some religions have different beliefs about who can attend birth, what can be eaten during preganancy, how soon a woman can leave the house etc...

4.asking if planned:

I think could be rephrased to 'how do you feel about the pregancy ?' and get similar response

  1. Domestic violence question: I personally should be asked and asked directly to woman when no one else is there and then advice should be given to everyone. Pregancy is the most likely time for Violence to start in a relationship and often gets worse during pregnancy.
Notanexcitingname · 04/08/2008 09:06

It may not be the midwives business iof your baby's father is a close relation, but she asks so she can give you information about the increased risks of heritable disease in that case. It's not at all unusual for couples to be closely related.

In answer to the original Q, questions about planned pregnancy relate to folic acid, and mental health.

Oblomov · 04/08/2008 09:11

YABU. It is the norm for MW to ask.

Ambi · 04/08/2008 09:12

noonki, I think that asking about how you feel is much better, considering those who to plan it don't always feel ecstatic.

Cicatrice · 04/08/2008 09:26

I was asked if I was happy to be pregnant at my booking scan. I thought it was a bit redundant by that stage, as that was 12 weeks. If i'd been unhappy I would have taken steps by then.

Also, DH's boss asked if the pregancy was planned. I though that was pretty impertinent.

TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 09:28

I think "how do you feel?" type questions are a little better. I've been asked "is it a good thing/good news?" Also depends on how you are asked, some people ask it like they are expecting it to be an accident.

About DV, my hospital doesn't ask, they have red dot stickers in the toilet with a poster saying to add one to your green notes if you are suffering DV and they will speak to you alone.

Questions about is the father a relative and is it the same father are understandable.

BTW, it's not illegal to marry a blood relative as you can marry first cousins. There are some none-blood relatives that you can't marry too (can't remember the list, before anyone asks). Having children with a cousin does increase the risk of birth defects which is why they need to know and some people do have illegal relationships within their family or are abused by a family member. The question covers the spectrum.

Questions about whether the children share a father relate to genetics. I don't understand why you were asked in an A&E for a cut finger, but it is an important question for pregnancy.

bogie · 04/08/2008 09:32

yabu its a standard question

kikid · 04/08/2008 09:36

yabu
damed if they do, damed if they don't, who'd be a health professional eh!!

theyoungvisiter · 04/08/2008 11:49

I disagree with those who've said "how do you feel about this" would be a better way to ask.

No it wouldn't - they still need to know if you've taken folic acid etc. You might be ecstatic about your unplanned baby, but if you only found out at 10 weeks, have been drinking heavily, taken medicine inappropriate for pregnant women and are uncertain about your dates, they still need to know that.

It's all very well saying "well surely a sensible person would tell them that anyway?" Well yes, a sensible person might, unfortunately not everyone a midwife meets will be clued up enough to mention all the relevent info - or they may just plain forget.

theyoungvisiter · 04/08/2008 11:51

also questions about whether your children share the same father relate to pregnancy risks.

For eg if you are having a second baby by the same father, your risk of pre-eclampsia is very low if you didn't experience it in the first pregnancy - which is partly why they have fewer appointments for low-risk 2nd timers.

If your second pregnancy is by a different father then your pre-eclampsia risk reverts to that of a first pregnancy.

So in some ways a second pregnancy by a new man needs to be treated like a first pregnancy in terms of monitoring blood pressure etc.

notcitrus · 04/08/2008 12:20

elmoandella - the scan showed I was 14 1/2 weeks when I found out - I'd had a neg test on New Years Eve and after years of lots of hoping-for-positives and only getting negs, I'd vowed not to do another test until end March. And I hadn't had a period for over 6 months anyway. And the only preg symptom I had was tiredness.

By the time I saw my first midwife I was almost 22 weeks, so it was 90 minutes of catching up on questions!

I figure the more info they have about you and possible factors affecting your pregnancy, the better - but as I said before, all the questions came up on the computer, so I knew none of them were just the midwife being nosey!

Playingthe9monthwait · 04/08/2008 12:33

I'm surprised so many people say the MW ask this, mine didn't. Had my booking in apt about 3 weeks ago and certainly wasn't asked this! Maybe that was because DH came with me and we both turned up grinning like loony first timers . I was asked if I was taking folic acid, if I was drinking, if DH was a blood relation etc etc. Think there are propably more sensitive ways of finding out if nec but mine obviously didn't feel the need.

MsSparkle · 04/08/2008 12:35

Yabu about the midwife asking. Anyone else asking though is just plain rude.

BouncingTurtle · 04/08/2008 13:23

YABU - people who are having an unplanned pg may need some extra support and gentle treatment, it will make a difference to your MWs duty of care towards you if you pg is unplanned - you may need extra info compared to someone who had been planning their pg, for example the need for extra folic acid, chances are someone planning a pg is already taking it and have been already avoiding no-go foods and activities.
It is no-one else's business though!

RubyRioja · 04/08/2008 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noonki · 04/08/2008 14:35

I have never heard of those dots for domestic violence - a brilliant idea -

I would also as a matter of course if I were a midwife see the woman on her own at least once (I work in support services and we always do)

though I love the dot idea - literacy problems or if woman speaks a different language would mean they would miss out

RubyRioja · 04/08/2008 14:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Guitargirl · 04/08/2008 14:44

YABU I think when the question is from a midwife - standard question. BUT what really annoys me is when random acquaintances ask - not even close friends - how is it any of their business? I would never dream of asking them what contraception they use!

noonki · 04/08/2008 14:46

very true and it would get the message out there more than not at all -

but they may have a problem where I live there are so many languages to translate to... the main ones there are at least 20!

TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 14:59

I'm trying to remember if the sign was translated, but it only had to be a couple of lines in each language and you could do it on A4 with quite a few translations. Asian languages tend to be similar enough that if you miss one out they can pick it up from another language (I guess European languages are similar to a lesser extent). I know there were DV posters aimed at women in the toilets. It's a good place for those posters because the woman is away from the man and knows he isn't going to come in so she can really look at it (it's probably the only thing you can look at!) and take down numbers or whatever.

It's a good idea because the man doesn't have to know what it means, it could be anything really and they can take it straight back off again anyway, so he may not even see it.

RubyRioja · 04/08/2008 15:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenlawn · 04/08/2008 15:23

Lady I used to work with used to be punched, bitten, and burnt with cigarettes by her husband. None of us had a clue - he always did it in areas that weren't on show and she was too ashamed to tell her friends.

When she got pregnant with her daughter she realised it had to stop and she made up an excuse as to why the midwife had to examine her at the booking appointment - mw obviously saw the scars and out came the story. She says that without that opportunity it would've been very very difficult to tell anyone - she wanted someone to ask her what was going on.

Red dot idea sounds fantastic - never heard of that before.

BouncingTurtle · 04/08/2008 15:34

I have a friend who helps out at a local women's refuge and she says that pgcy often is the catalyst that gives some women the courage to leave abusive partners - often they have confided in a MW. That red dot idea is very good!

TinkerBellesMum · 04/08/2008 15:34

Ruby I laughed when I read that, not because it's funny what happened to her, but the idiot partner! "Yeah, she fell and I hit a door..."

It's a brilliant idea, would be good to see it happening all over the place. The only thing would be separating them so they could talk to the woman. Although "can I have a quick word, oh don't worry sir, I just need a moment, we're not going into another room" while she's still in the waiting room and saying "how do you want me to speak to you separately? You can send him to the shop or tell him you don't want him to be there while I examine you. I'll be back in ten minutes to call you". I know at my hospital we're there so long I'm always sending him for a drink or to put money in the car if we have one.

noonki · 04/08/2008 15:48

I agree pgcy is often a catalyst to leave a violent partner, quite a few of my clients (I work with lots of women who have fled domestic violence)have left when the baby is only a few weeks old as the believe the violence will stop when the baby comes and then when it doesn't, the need to protect their babies over ride the fear they have of leaving

but for some women it increases the pressure to stay with a partner;

if they are feeling insecure anyway it can be a scary time to be on your own (though I would argue infinitely better)

also sadly the pressure from some people's family to remain in a marriage/partnership no matter about violence increases when children are on the scene

has anyone else come across the red dot scheme - I will bring it up at work as it sounds brilliant - and something we could utilise somehow

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