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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to let mil give 11 month dd her last feed

145 replies

peanuthead · 29/07/2008 10:18

I have the pushiest mil in the world (actually probably not) and had a huge row (still ongoing) with dh as i said no to her request to give dd her evening bottle and put her to bed. i suggested she did the bedtime story instead. but dh doesn't get it that putting her to bed is my job and a very special one.

and no i wouldn't let my mum do it either - but then she wouldn't ask....

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 30/07/2008 18:03

Sorry Pheebe but my DD will not settle with anyone else. Wish she would but she won't.

So, perhaps don't be so sweeping in your assertions?

MrsTiddles · 30/07/2008 18:23

I agree Winky - Mine won't either (8 mths), not even for daddy. And we keep trying!

juuule · 30/07/2008 18:54

Peanuthead, do what you feel comfortable with. If you don't feel comfortable then don't do it. Your baby. If you enjoy that time with your dd then don't let anyone spoil that.
It's the special times we have with our babies that get us through the tough times. Will your mil be on hand when you've had a crap day and take the rough bits, too?

Pheebe · 30/07/2008 21:03

yes, you're right it was a sweeping statment, sorry , blame ds2 hanging off my knee begging for food

My point was that I do think its very easy to be selfish with our children. We don't own them and they are part of a family and need to bond with that family. I also find the idea that theres some kind of reward scheme quite odd. Reward = bedtime cuddles to make up for 'tough times' what a stange thought. We do what we do because we love our kids unconditionally surely, not because of what we get out of/back from them - the good times are a bonus not a reward surely

2luvlyboys · 30/07/2008 21:22

This is why I'm glad I bf. Noone else can put my lo to bed (aged 8 months). However this doesn't last forever and there comes a point when you will be only to glad for someone else to put your child to bed parents, pil's anyone in fact!

juuule · 30/07/2008 21:58

No, not a reward but they can definitely be a boost to a flagging spirit if you've been run ragged all day.

juuule · 30/07/2008 22:00

And yes, we do what we do because we love our children unconditionally. Even without the nicer moments we would still do what we do.

cheesesarnie · 30/07/2008 22:04

my youngest is fussy at bedtime-even daddys not allowed but if any of the grandparents/aunties/uncles ever wanted to do it then id love it.its bonding time-and hes not mine,he's part of our family.i think its a nice thing to do and so a nice experience to share.

noonki · 30/07/2008 22:20

I agree with Pheebe

I will a very upset MIl if I don't get some alone time with my grandchildren

ladymariner · 31/07/2008 15:38

Me too Noonki. I didn't get on particularly well with my mil but I would never have denied her a bit of time with ds, including putting him to bed if she wanted to. My ils also live a long way away so the time they got/get with him is very precious.

And I know all mils are different and in some cases reap what they sow, but my god, there are some really vitriolic posts on here about them. We're all going to be one, probably, at some point, some of us may do well to remember that!!

pamelat · 31/07/2008 20:38

To those of you who are being, shall i call it "pro mother in law", do you have more than 1 child?

I have been told, several times, on mumsnet that I am behaving in a precious first born way, which i am more than ok with - as that is what she is to me?

I envy how so many of you (just over half maybe?) can be so relaxed, rational and "fair" about this. I am wondering whether maybe you are thinking from a different context?

And before I get (too) shouted down, remember I said that it is a little unreasonable (teeny bit) but that I would have to really try to be ok with it myself.

ladymariner · 31/07/2008 23:51

I've got one son, and he means the absolute world to me, I'd do anything for him.

Including sharing him occasionally with other people for whom he also means the world.

Quattrocento · 01/08/2008 00:13

You had a huge row over who should give the last bottle?

Gosh.

Can't you find something better to row about? Like who should make the coffee in the morning ...

Christie · 01/08/2008 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladymariner · 01/08/2008 18:47

Thanks Christie xx

juuule · 01/08/2008 19:23

Part of one of the op posts:

"she'll have been playing with her all afternoon, given her her tea, read her her story etc (while i'm cooking dinner for everyone) don't think it's too much for me to say ok now i get to spend 5 mins with her by putting her into bed...."

I don't think peanuthead is stopping her baby being part of the family or not sharing. She feels that that time is special to her and doesn't see why she should give it up. Neither do I.

Kaedsmum · 01/08/2008 19:40

Please read this as I'm offering some understanding which I think you'll appreciate.

I think it's a little mean to say the OP is BU. It's such a difficult relationship- the MIL- DIL one.

I get on fantastic with my MIL but when I was pregnant and just after I had the baby I really struggled and could not be around her. There are certain things that make a mum feel like a mum and it's hard enough making a MIL see that her son is now a father and DP and not just her little boy anymore, but there are serious boundaries to be set when it comes to your children.

It seems that MILs quite often like to act like the children are their own, want to spend time with just the child rather than you, their son and their grandchild, and like to have 'special time'. mums don't see why because it's their child, not their MILs child.

The best thing I did was just dropped my guard, stopped being so possessive with the baby, stopped taking everything she said to heart, and started giving her allocated time with the baby so that she can stop treading on my toes. I was being a little unreasonable before but in my opinion, MILs are unreasonable about babies.

Now I get on famously with my MIL and see her much more often as I appreciate her and like the break for an afternoon now and again when she minds the baby, and she's given up drinking to do so as I refuse to let anyone around the baby who has had a drink.

A little give and take on both sides is good and if you let her have some special time with the baby she'll stop trying to get in on yours.

But no, I don't think you're being unreasonable because being a mum brings certain attachments and feelings that you can't help.

juuule · 01/08/2008 19:47

Quote kaedsmum "A little give and take on both sides is good and if you let her have some special time with the baby"

Quote peanuthead "she'll have been playing with her all afternoon, given her her tea, read her her story etc "

Sounds like peanuthead lets her mil have some special time with the baby.

Quote kaedsmum "she'll stop trying to get in on yours."

Doesn't sound like this bit's happening though.

ladymariner · 01/08/2008 19:53

If it's only once in a blue moon is it worth all the upset?

Kaedsmum · 01/08/2008 19:54

Oh, sorry, I don't think I'd read it all thoroughly enough.

Sounds like MIL is getting plenty of time. I was just going off my experience.

Best to set your boundaries then and make sure she knows YOU put her to bed.

sorry

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