to refuse to let mil give 11 month dd her last feed

[peanuthead]

I have the pushiest mil in the world (actually probably not) and had a huge row (still ongoing) with dh as i said no to her request to give dd her evening bottle and put her to bed. i suggested she did the bedtime story instead. but dh doesn't get it that putting her to bed is my job and a very special one.

and no i wouldn't let my mum do it either - but then she wouldn't ask....

yes, pushing me to express. every single visit and every single phonecall from birth onwards saying i should express so she could feed and give me a "rest". even though i ponted out that there was nothing restful about "feeding" a pump so she could use a bottle.

it's about roles and she doesn;t seem to realise her role is granny not mummy - hence having to make sure i remind her once every visit.

peachsmuggler (I used to be one of those till bfing - now sadly a gala melon smuggler - thank god not watermelon though) i'm surprised at how controlling i've become too but my mil needs a bit of controlling ..

Absolutely shocked at the expressing comments, I think everyone would probably agree after reading that that you are not being unreasonable at all!

My mother also struggles with the role of Granny instead of mother, and tried to undermine me a lot - you're right to observe some boundaries and well done for standing up against the pressure so far

Then in your case I think YANBU at all in not letting her feed. All the other stuff yes, but if you bf normally, why should you change your routine to fit round her? And all the extra hassle that it involves?

so, your DD is breastfed, and your MIL wanted you to express, which you don;t normally do, so she could give a bottle? if so, YANBU and she she not be trying to force you to change the way you feed and introduce a bottle , simply for her benefit

no, god this is getting complicated.

i no longer bf and am happy for whoever to give the formula during the day - mil, fil, aunts uncles, friends, anyone really.

but i like to settle and feed my daughter myself at bedtime unless someone is babysitting in which case i have no problem with them doing it.

but if i'm in the next room it just feels plain wrong and i feel usurped. by whoever.

however when i WAS bfing my mil constantly nagged me to express so she could feed - from birth onwards - and i mean she was almost obsessed by feeding her - and really put the pressure on and i think that has also left a residual issue. for me anyway.

ah, in that case YABU, you will not be useless and usurped by your MIL giving your daughter her last feed once in a blue moon, in a few short weeks or months, she will most likely have dropped her evening bottle, and your MIL have missed the chance.

i think you are being overly controlling and even if you don't like MIL, you are denying her the chance to put her grandchild to bed

the pressure she put on you initially to express was wrong, and YANBU to feel upset by that, but by not allowing her to settle your baby, because you feel usurped, is your issue and you are punishing her for that IMO

Ah. well in that case, I definitely think you are bieng unreasonable - sorry! Does your dp never put your dc to bed?

'but if i'm in the next room it just feels plain wrong and i feel usurped. by whoever.'

sorry to be honest this sound slike your problem not hers
That's not a bad thing though, you just want to put your baby to bed yourself, nothing wrong with that imo

YANBU I would not if i was in the same house let any one else put mind dc's to bed - it is harder with MIL's to let them do things if you have felt pressured

hmmm lulumama speaks - does peanuthead take heed???

have to say i've got some reappraising to do. don't like to think of myself as an overcontrolling nightmare dil (who would?) but i'm starting to suspect that the ratio of unreasonableness between myself and mil may be slipping from
80;20 her;me to ooh maybe
60;40 me to her.

off to do some serious mulling ovet....

heed me ! heed me !

dunno if i am right, but when people fixate over something that is quite small, and it takes on such huge proportions, it is really valuable to look at why.. IMHO

hope you work things out, you can;t enjoy feeling like this

I don't think YABU. Your mil has had her kids, raised them how she wants, now she has to fit in with how you want to raise yours whether she likes it or not.

Your child, your choice.

tbh if someone had been that arsey and difficult about me expressing I would feel the same as you
(apart from anything else, giving occasional bottles that early on can sabotage breastfeeding. It was a very selfish thing for her to try to insist on)
anyway I wouldn't want them to give a bottle, ever, if they had been like that about it
that's probably unreasonable of me, but there you have it
do what you want
she IS your baby

Peanuthead I completely agree with you. This is your baby we're talking about, and it should be your decision, without having to justify yourself. I agree that putting to be is an important time. I've known other mothers who not only insist on doing it themselves, but won't even let another person be present.

Have you suggested to mil that if she'd like to babysit all evening, she could do the whole putting to bed thing?

I disagree with Lulumama (with whom I normally concur) that you are being too controlling. You're being no more controlling than you are entitled to be.

YABU - It's not like it's every night...and what a special time for grandmother and child to have together. Just let them both enjoy being together for a while. x

But some women don't feel that nothing can change the fact that they are their DCs mummy. That's why it's sometimes better to let the mother be precious and not push her into doing something she feels wobbly about.

Even if it sounds unreasonable to you. It will fade and anxious mothers will get more relaxed especially if they are not pushed or sneered at.

It can be sign of PND, however mild.

No, no, no, no, NO! In ordinary circumstances it would be totally unreasonable, but this isn''t ordinary, this is in the context of a manipulative, insistent, domineering dare I say bully of a woman who is trying to take her DIL's place in the ranks, by making an Oh so pitiful plea which surely no reasonable person would deny the poor old woman (who of course just wants to help out )

Context, women, context!

It's about boundaries and standing up to someone who patently wants to be queen in every case, which imo is not on...your baby, your precious time, no issue - just say no. No jusitification is even required.

I agree totally with Winky, that was a cross post sorry! Yes, many of us do feel threatened in our fragile self perception as mothers. Keeping our heads above water in that respect is paramount. MIL sees a little crack and edges her way in, daughter in law says no, a very positive thing imo

Actually peanuthead I think you're being perfectly reasonable. Last feed putting to bed is a special time.