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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to refuse to let mil give 11 month dd her last feed

145 replies

peanuthead · 29/07/2008 10:18

I have the pushiest mil in the world (actually probably not) and had a huge row (still ongoing) with dh as i said no to her request to give dd her evening bottle and put her to bed. i suggested she did the bedtime story instead. but dh doesn't get it that putting her to bed is my job and a very special one.

and no i wouldn't let my mum do it either - but then she wouldn't ask....

OP posts:
Flightputsonahat · 29/07/2008 12:45

MIL has plenty of chances to bond with the child so my guess is that it is more important to OP that she doesn't feed her last thing at night, than to MIL that she does. iyswim.

Flightputsonahat · 29/07/2008 12:45

So if my DH wanted his mum to come and breastfeed my baby to sleep once in a blue moon I should be Ok with that??

MrsTiddles · 29/07/2008 12:47

YANBU

She is YOUR child and she has her own routine. your MIL has had her children and done this already, she needs to back off and your DH needs to stand by your decision.

what mummy says goes, I'm afraid if its mummy's job normally to do this.

Kewcumber · 29/07/2008 12:47

bottle feeding DS was essential bonding-tool for us, probably why I didn't give it up for some time. Saying she will want others to do it in a couple of years is pointless. She may well, but she doesn't now.

I didn't want to loosen up, I wanted to enjoy DS, it was my main priority, I did make sure other people enjoyed him in others way but certain times were special to me and not to be interfered with.

Gateau · 29/07/2008 12:47

I can understand MILS are annoying - and maybe we don't want them to do the things we would let our mums do. (I know you said this isn't the case).
But I would just love it if my MIL took enough interest to put our LO in bed. She's too lazy and prefers to sit and gossip instead. However last week I ASKED her to bedtime read to him as I was feeling sick. She did it begrudgingly - for a few minutes - and then lifted him out of bed and into the lounge and said, "He won't sleep, he's not tired."
Lazy cow.

Flightputsonahat · 29/07/2008 12:48

Exactly Kew. I don't see why everyone is jumping on the OP, surely this sort of thing is really up to the mother?

VinegarTits · 29/07/2008 12:49

Yes but she lets her parents do the last feed if they babysit so she cant be that precious about it

Flightputsonahat · 29/07/2008 12:50

And furthermore who are we to tell her what she is allowed to feel special about, when it comes to her own child?

Kewcumber · 29/07/2008 12:50

and I should add that at 2.7 DS is now a perfectly normal well-attached little boy who loves being put to bed by his Nanny occasionally.

Flightputsonahat · 29/07/2008 12:50

Yes if she is OUT she lets them, why not? This is about if she is THERE and still letting someone take her place.

MIL doesn't babysit, there is a difference I think really.

Kewcumber · 29/07/2008 12:51

presumably because she isn't there to do it when they're babysitting!

Kewcumber · 29/07/2008 12:52

If IL's have been there for hours and seen DS all afternoon I'd be desparate for a littel time alone with him and bottle feed and bedtime is just that.

scottishmum007 · 29/07/2008 12:52

YANBU, your baby so you can decide if you want to do the bedtime bit yourself. i personally wouldn't be pleased with someone else taking over.grandparent or not.

seeker · 29/07/2008 12:52

Not jumping on OP - but this isn't a tiny tiny baby - and the grandparents only visit occasionally if I'm understanding properly.

Flightputsonahat · 29/07/2008 12:53

Also if MIL is really pushy generally it sounds as though there is more to it than the feeding issue - as though MIL wants to be top dog, in everyone's eyes, allowed to stomp in and take over whatever role she chooses probably knowing full well how important it is to OP.

Her parents' motives could probably be said to be more sound. Giving in to MIL would be like giving in to a tantrum. It would just be a gesture of defeat in the circs. This is OP's job, MIL wants it for a reason from what I can gather, though I may be wrong.

TheHedgeWitch · 29/07/2008 12:53

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VinegarTits · 29/07/2008 12:54

So if mil offered to babysit she would be allowed then? not fair me thinks. If she was that bothered she would do the last fed before she went out, or wouldnt go out at all. Sounds like she has mil issues, if she got on with her mil then im sure she wouldnt have a problem imho

Flightputsonahat · 29/07/2008 12:56

I can't imagine anyone I know being so demanding as to say 'I want to do this for/to your child and if you don't allow me to you are being unreasonable'. Actually I can - my ex MIL was like that. I stood up to her and she left me alone. She wasn't happy about being told which day was convenient for her to visit. It all had to be entirely on her own terms, which I thought was pretty rubbish in terms of support, particularly as her son had left me when I was pregnant. She was literally dictating to me what I had to do and when she was coming, so I left her a mesage asking her to leave it a couple of weeks, and never heard anything back.

Lovesdogsandcats · 29/07/2008 12:59

YANBU. I loved that special pre-bed time, still do and they are 9 and 12!

Have NEVER let anyone else do it, and never needed the 'break' as didn't see it as a chore.

She's had her time with her own kids, she needs to let you have your time with yours.

seeker · 29/07/2008 13:09

I love that special pre bed time too. But I do share it - with people my dcs love. And that includes their grandparents. Even if my MIL is not my favourite person ion the world - and she isn't - it's not about me, it's about the relationship between my dcs and their grandmother. Which is good and loving and very important.

SazzlesA · 29/07/2008 13:14

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TheProvincialLady · 29/07/2008 13:25

I was just the same as your friend Franny. It is so funny how people are always begging to be the one who feeds the baby the bottle - why? I had friends I hardly ever see being quite funny with me because I said no to letting them feed my 8 week old baby.

Peanut your MIL is hardly missing out on seeing your DD grow up because you don't let her put her to bed at 11m. I am in complete agreement with you. If you don't want to let her do it then don't - there will be plenty of time in the future.

Original poster
peanuthead · 29/07/2008 16:29

hmmm interseting responses...

i'm sticking to my guns....she can play, give tea, give bath and read story (as usual) but i'm feeding and putting to bed.

from day 2 omwards she was pushing me to express so that she could feed - almost obsessively and i think thats partly why i dug my heels in over this - and will continue to do so.

i've decided maybe iab slightly u - and maybe i should be a bit less controlling generally. and if i do manage to have more children i'm sure i'll be glad of her.

however i feel that once during every visit i need to tell her no to one thing otherwise she'll take over... and no i'm nbu here - really not...

OP posts:
Cies · 29/07/2008 16:47

She was pushing you to express?

I think it's one thing if the feed is normally by bottle, either ff or ebm, and another if the feed is normally bf. She wanted you to change how you normally feed so she could have a go?

peachsmuggler · 29/07/2008 16:47

I don't think you are BU at all. Having a young baby can be a really difficult time emotionally and I think you have to do whatever you feel comfortable with. I think the fact that she has been pushing you to express just so she could feed your baby speaks volumes! I have really surprised myself by how controlling I have become (dd is 5 months), particularly around MIL, as I always thought I was laid back. Stick to your guns and if this means being U, I think it is your prerogative as a new mum!!!