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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to refuse to let mil give 11 month dd her last feed

145 replies

peanuthead · 29/07/2008 10:18

I have the pushiest mil in the world (actually probably not) and had a huge row (still ongoing) with dh as i said no to her request to give dd her evening bottle and put her to bed. i suggested she did the bedtime story instead. but dh doesn't get it that putting her to bed is my job and a very special one.

and no i wouldn't let my mum do it either - but then she wouldn't ask....

OP posts:

peachsmuggler · 29/07/2008 18:38

Yes I don't get this grandparents having special time with their grandchildren thing. This is fine when it is grandparent/granchild activities e.g. taking them to the park, spoiling them with too much chocolate (that's a whole other argument I guess)but putting your DC down for the night is a mother/father special time and if you don't want her to do it, then don't! Oh and peanuthead, the peachsmuggler thing refers to my cheeks!! ha ha

sunnytimes · 29/07/2008 19:22

Message withdrawn

MilkMonitor · 29/07/2008 19:28

It takes a lot of cajones to stand up to someone and to tell them no. The OP is doing just that.

I think the MIL sounds childish and petulant for getting a nark on about not being able to put the child to bed especially after a whole play session with her.

Dalrymps · 29/07/2008 21:01

YANBU she is too pushy and controlling, for that reason alone I too would dig my heels in , show her who's boss!

seeker · 29/07/2008 21:51

Saying "no" is not a praiseorthy thing unless it's something that needs to be said "no" to. I don't thing a grandma wanting to put a 1 year old to bed on the odd occasion is one of those things.

Flightputsonahat · 29/07/2008 22:44

I see what you're saying Seeker but I think it really depends on the Grandmother in question

hollyandnoah · 29/07/2008 23:34

my mil is so pushy, infact it go as far as saying i can't stand her because of it.

I say stand your guns. I think bed time is parents special time. Grandparents have grandparent times. I can't remember my grandparents putting me to bed. And my parents havent asked to put my ds to bed..

My mil asked me to leave the room so she could put ds to bed once, then she said i was to sleep in another room and leave ds there with her ( we were staying at her house) I said no and she started shouting and acting like a spoiled little girl. I was bf and i dont know how she expected to feed him. he was only 2 weeks old at the time.

Anyway, i think stick to your guns

Flightputsonahat · 29/07/2008 23:51

That's really shocking

I wonder what it is. My mother sometimes says that people who have never been allowed a close attachment to their parents, can't stand to see children having that babyness, so always get very angry even into adulthood, I think we were discussing why Ds always gets daft comments from old gits people if he is mucking about or being a normal small boy ('You'll have loads of washing' if he is sitting on the floor, perhaps or 'Take that dummy off him, he don't need a dummy at his age' stuff like that)
I think an element of truth therein...
Not that she is right about everything.

Maybe these angry Mil's can't accept that babies are allowed to need their mums. They were probably conditioned way back to think it was helpful to a new mum to take her baby away temporarily in order to help make it independant - as we all now know this is ridiculously counterproductive.

Nobody could have wrestled my baby away from me at bed time. They still can't. I don't see much wrong with that

chelsygirl · 30/07/2008 08:53

can I ask, everone who says they won't share bed time, are you at work all day?

Flightputsonahat · 30/07/2008 08:57

No, I am a SAHM without a partner. I am so busy though during the day that I would feel rather sad to not be with my children when they go to sleep.

It's the one time they actually have me to themselves, really - even if I am too tied up to play all day.

chelsygirl · 30/07/2008 08:59

I just wondered as I used to work with a woman who worked full time and loved the evenings with her kids, whereas as a SAHM I was usually desperate for some help in the evenings and dh was usually working(shifts)

purits · 30/07/2008 09:24

This isn't aimed at Peanut, just a general obsevation.
When I used to babysit my junior-school-age nephew, his Mum always did the bedtime routine. Basically, I wasn't welcome in the house until after 8 o'clock when he was already in bed and asleep. It was a great way to bond with DN.
Looking back, I realise now that I should have ben a bit more assertive and said that I would only babysit if I got to see a bit of DN first! I always wondered how he would react if he woke during the evening and unexpectedly found me in the house instead of his parents (luckily, he never did).
It is possible to take the precious-bed-time thing too far and you do have to consider your sitters too.

Flightputsonahat · 30/07/2008 09:38

Could you not have seen him other times, Purits?

Original poster

peanuthead · 30/07/2008 09:52

purits - would never do that. grnadma has the whole day/evening, does bath, story, tea etc - all i'm saying no to is the 5 mins when i feed and put dd into bed. and if grandparents have been round all day/eve then i've had no time with dd as i've totally stood back, kleft them to it and just want my 5 mins!

there's some real horror stories on here - my back story with my mil is bad enough which is why i'm so stubborn with her.

i'd never expect famoly to babaysit without some time whith dd first - that's awful!

and mu mum would never ask to put dd to bed - she has her time i have mine -we share! and i do sharewith mil before someone jumps on me over that.

mil had terrible realtionship with her mum - basically hated her and says so which is really sad.

i'm sticking to my guns over this one, although i do think i need to be a bit more forgiving/less cotrolling too.

and whoever said i was dressing it up as a moral issue and getting sneaky pleaseure ????? not at all - feel very bullied and poushed by her and i would be so upset all evening at her having pushed me into doing something i felt uncomfortable with it rewally wouldn't be worth it. you don't know my mil.

OP posts:

purits · 30/07/2008 10:01

Flight, I did see him at other times but never had that snuggly, one-to-one pre-bed time.

Flightputsonahat · 30/07/2008 11:01

Purits, I am a bit puzzled that you feel you were not assertive enough - is babysitting only ever done by people who need to have snuggly pre bed times with the children? I think if that was the thing you wanted from the arrangement perhaps you should have said no, I certainly wouldn't even think to ask my sitter whether they would only do it if they got to do all that. It wouldn't occur to me!
The way I'd see it is that I was paying the sitter (or they were doing it for me) because I needed some time off and they were happy to stay around my house for the evening - child awake or child already asleep! Indeed when I was a teenager doing babysitting I was really relieved not to have to do the whole story, bath, sleep thing - I just wanted to watch their telly and browse their record collection really

VinegarTits · 30/07/2008 11:57

'is babysitting only ever done by people who need to have snuggly pre bed times with the children?'

I dont think this is what Purtis was implying, and i dont see anything wrong in her wanting to spend some time with her DN if she was babysitting for him. I have my own dc, but one of the joys of babysitting for my db's dc is that i get to spend suggly time with them before bed, reading stories, snuggled on the sofa with a quilt.

Yes i can see them at other times, but its still a joy to do it. I would be very sad if i babysat for them and didnt get to see them because i wasnt allowed in the house until they were asleep. Other people's dc wouldn't bother me, but my dn's i would like to see at least, so i totally understand where Purtis is coming from.

I completely agree with LaQueens post: on Tue 29-Jul-08 17:39:59 regarding the op.

Original poster

peanuthead · 30/07/2008 12:22

which bit of lequeens post do you agree with vinegar tits?

that i'm petty, precious, insecure, childish or petulant?

actually dh has now agreed that my reasons for saying no are valid, he quite understandably finds it hard to admit how difficult his mother is. she gets the snuggly time i just do the end bit. and she would get the whole snuggly time including feeding if she was ever prepared to babysit. as would anyone who is prepared to babaysit.

without knowing the entire family history it's a bit harsh to throw all those adjectives about. and yes i know this is mumsnet and i did ask.....

OP posts:

Capital · 30/07/2008 12:31

at Lequeen

VinegarTits · 30/07/2008 12:34

I agree with all of her post, sorry if that offends you but you did ask for my opinion

Capital · 30/07/2008 12:37

at VinegarTits, by association

Hulababy · 30/07/2008 12:42

TBH I really don't think your MIl is being pushy regards asking if she has put baby to bed.

And grandparents are supposed to get all the nice bits - that is the advantage of being a grandparent, rather than a parent. Get the nice bits, and then hand them back over.

Surely asking to put baby to bed is just a way of doing something nice with her grandchild once in a while. If they live 300 miles away I am asusming this is not a regular request, and just a on off.

I would personally let her.

But each to their own, and you are within your rights to say no to her.

babyOcho · 30/07/2008 12:47

YANBU, your MIL has had her children. It's your turn now.

BuwchBywiog · 30/07/2008 13:18

My DS won't settle if anyone but me gives her her last feed, DP has tried but she will refuse and make a fuss until I give in I think its a special time and I don't blame you for not wanting to share that with anyone, they're not babies for long and as mothers aren't we allowed to enjoy them for as long as we can. Its not like you're stopping your MIL spend any time with your child.

Pheebe · 30/07/2008 17:57

Agree with LeQueen whole heartedly

Its precious, even selfish NOT to allow MIL/mother to also share such a special time with their gcs

Its rubbish that babes won't settle for anyone else, in most cases thats just a convenient excuse for mum to keep control

Before I get flamed, I'm as guilty as the next person. I was very controlling with DS1, no one else got a look in. Very selfish adn DS1 missed out too and I now regret it deeply. Very different with DS2, can't do enough to share him with MIL and Mum. Its something very special we share together and once in a while passing over those night moments is no hardship at all.

The fact that the OPs mum 'wouldn't ask' doesn't mean she doesn't want to. More likley she doesn't want to upset the OP and loase whatever 'access' she currently has.

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