to refuse to let mil give 11 month dd her last feed

[peanuthead]

I have the pushiest mil in the world (actually probably not) and had a huge row (still ongoing) with dh as i said no to her request to give dd her evening bottle and put her to bed. i suggested she did the bedtime story instead. but dh doesn't get it that putting her to bed is my job and a very special one.

and no i wouldn't let my mum do it either - but then she wouldn't ask....

the way i perceived it is she lived with you and wanted to do it every night, if its every once in a while yabu.

tmmj - I don;t make my mum "earn" the good bits but I worked hard to get DS and I don't give up the good bits to anyone lightly.

hmmm i'm genuinely interested to know if unreasonable and genuinely interested by the replies!!! not offended.

have a very very difficult relationship with mil and i can't work out how much is me and how much is her - i know i'm partly to blame but she's pretty insufferable. however doing a poll of friends who all say "poor you" is not the same as asking on mumsnet where i get the real opinions!

i feel like if i don't say no to her alot she'll takeover. as she does with dh, fil and everyone else.

You sound like you resent them living so far, maybe they want to spend time with you and your dh too and not be thought of a babysitters every time they visit, gp's are not just for babysitting you know

YABU

This is obviously only ever going to be a really occasional thing if they live that far away and you don't see them for ages....
I think you are being totally over-controlling. It must be utterly miserable not to be allowed to give your own grandchild a bedtime bottle and cuddle

I hope if you're ever a MIL your DIL isn't the same to you! And yes, I know you're thinking well I'll be a better GP because I'll babysit etc - I'm sure you will and that's great but I don't think GP's earn on a points system....they've done this for us so we'll allow a bedtime bottle......

zippititioes - they make a really big deal about what a big journey it is and how far away we live. and it's a huge journey for us too and she expects us to visit constantly. thats why it annoys me - they chose to live that far from us. they were starting new lives here and could have done that anywhere and now complain that we live so far away.

thankyou kewcumber. it's not earning the good bits. i jsut see the way my parents are (obviously totally biased) and see the way his parenst are (everthing always only done at thier convenience)

Gawd my MIL is lucky if she gets to take her shoes and coat off before we've handed her the DC and said "Fancy doing bedtime? Great, we'll be back in a bit...."

Plus the DDs love it.

ALTHOUGH she is terribly soft on them at bedtime. We have had problems in the past after she has been to stay because while shes here she does pander to their every request for toys, stories, extra milk, you name it. Bedtime can take hours the Grandma way.

Still I think on balance its worth it for the evenings off!

I don't think the MIL is weeping into her pillow every night at the thought of not being able to give her GC a bottle and a hug at bedtime.

they're not babysitters - that's partly the point - they never ever ever babysit!

so i don't see them as just babysitters - they visit so we can all spend time together not so they can babysit.

yes if it gives me the evening off - but it doesn't!!!!!!

if we were going out i'd hand dd over and vbe out the door. but we never are.

she'll have been playing with her all afternoon, given her her tea, read her her story etc (while i'm cooking dinner for everyone) don't think it's too much for me to say ok now i get to spend 5 mins with her by putting her into bed....

yes if it gives me the evening off - but it doesn't!!!!!!

if we were going out i'd hand dd over and vbe out the door. but we never are.

she'll have been playing with her all afternoon, given her her tea, read her her story etc (while i'm cooking dinner for everyone) don't think it's too much for me to say ok now i get to spend 5 mins with her by putting her into bed....

yes if it gives me the evening off - but it doesn't!!!!!!

if we were going out i'd hand dd over and vbe out the door. but we never are.

she'll have been playing with her all afternoon, given her her tea, read her her story etc (while i'm cooking dinner for everyone) don't think it's too much for me to say ok now i get to spend 5 mins with her by putting her into bed....

Ah I had the same dilemma

Have realised that my problem with in laws is that i am controlling (dont want to be) and they asked my DH if they could and /i got upset. "My" baby etc etc

Anyhow hes aid no (without my prompting but probably because he knew /i would be upset, she was 3 months old at the time)

However, they have since asked me directly and then I was fine with it - strange really!

She is now 6 months though and I think huge difference between 3 & 6 month old. At 3 months she was very difficult to settle

Your choice but you may feel better saying yes Trust me I do have to make conscious effort myself to say yes!

If you don't like your MIL, then you are going to be offended by everything she says and does.

MILs can be difficult.

But in this instance, I think you are being unreasonable.

There are some issues that are so important that it is necessary to stand your ground and risk a family argument.

This isn't one of them.

Peanuthead - how often does this happen?

No, yanbu at all. Especially if she has just spent ages playing with your child already.

I think it is important for a child to settle that their bedtime routine remains constant - if your daughter doesn't see mummy, for a kiss goodnight, she might not sleep properly and you will miss her.

Yanbu, yanbu, yanbu!!

Peanut - how old is dd?
If it is only once a month or so I don't see the big deal - or is it more often?
Does your dh never get to put her to bed then either?
Only way to get out of it without looking petty is for you to tell her you are bf-ing!

Peanuthead,

YANBU and yah boo sucks to everyone who said you were. Your baby!

I work f/t and giving my DS his last bottle and putting him to bed is the most important and special job in the world to me. I would wrestle someone to the ground to avoid them doing it instead. Lucky for me my MIL and Mum both understand this.

Just say NO! (but offer something nice instead, like coming at 7am on a weekend morning to give her the first bottle of the day and then look after her while you have a nice lie-in ).

x

To me, it's weird not to offer to babysit to give the parents a break. But then not everybody is the same.

You obviously have issue with your mil, you say putting dd to bed is your special job, but you allow your parents to do it when they babysit, then you say your mil plays with her all afternoon while your cooking tea for everyone (get your dh to cook then!) At least she taking an interest, couldnt you do bathtime and story (after tea) and then let mil put her to bed? it only for one night, then you have her all to yourself the other nights she is not there

a friend of mine has never let anyone else give a bottle to her dc
she wanted to bf but was unable to - she pointed out that had she bf no-one else would have been able to feed her dc their milk
she sees it as an important thing that she only wants to do herself
her child her choice IMO

peanuthead, well seeing your baby is young, in a few years you'll be begging for babysitters to put your kids to bed!

try to loosen up, you'll always be the mum

My thinking too Franny, the thing is, breastfeeding is a crucial bonding scenario and bottle feeding ought to be as well, I wouldn't want someone else to breastfeed my child to sleep so why would I want them to give her a bottle? Bizarre thinking imo.

YABU. The baby is DH's as well and he would like his mother to do it. Once. In a blue moon. They live 3 hours away. Not a problem