To get so wound up about my dd's fussy friend...

[sabire]

who comes round OFTEN, and doesn't eat: pasta, pizza, cheese, seafood, fish, rice, tomatoes, anything in a sauce, quiche, noodles, lasagna ('never tried that!), stew argggh!

I really struggle to be accomodating, because the lesson I give my own children around food is this: you are not in a cafe and you don't get to pick and choose your meals. When someone prepares food for you it's a gift and a privilege. If you don't like it, just politely say you aren't very hungry and don't have seconds. If children say to me 'I don't like that' when they come around for a meal I just say - 'don't worry love - you don't have to eat it' but don't offer them anything else..... Is that mean?

When my dd goes to other people's houses and they say 'what would she like to eat' my answer is: 'whatever you want to give her'. Consequently my children are very unfussy compared to their friends - they eat almost anything and enjoy it. Obviously if a child was allergic to something or really repulsed by it I wouldn't expect them to eat it - but basic fussiness - I can't cope with it. I'm just worried that I'm going to turn my children into social pariahs because I won't pander to their friends' fussy eating habits.

"You wouldn't insist an adult tucked into something they hated."

This sort of argument is known as 'poisoning the well'. Nobody here, including me, is arguing that children should be forced or coerced into eating food they hate so why are you trying to make a case against it?

"actually milk we're not, we're just defending ourselves against the people who making the sweeping generalisation that children who are fussy eaters are the result of crap parenting."

Actually I think the 'sweeping generalisation' is the one that you've just made. I acknowledged that there are developmental and other issues at stake some of the time.

It's you that refuses to acknowledge that many children have seriously bad eating habits because of the food culture they're exposed to at home.

Everyone knows that there are lots of adults and children in the UK who eat very poor diets based mostly on junk and processed foods. It's one of the reasons why the Brits are the fattest, unhealthiest people in Europe.

But according to the parents of fussy eaters on this thread, children are by and large immune to influence of the poisonous UK food culture and that it's wrong to suggest that that major fussyness in children has ever got anything to do with factors that parents have some control over.

"I am certainly not saying that I have no responsibility, but people on this thread have repeatedly asked for advice about changing our children's eating habits and been met with silence."

Why would I give advice? I have no idea why your children are such poor eaters, but I've got a pretty sound knowledge of how the families of my dd's friends eat at home and I think it's fair of me to speculate that the fussy, narrow eating habits of their parents have something to do with these children's feelings and attitudes to food.

Sabire

You have three children who eat.

You think that is a result of your parenting.

My child doesn't eat well.

You think that 'may' be because of the way I parent.

So help me then - it was a genuine request.

You seem to have a way of ensuring that children do not dictate what they eat.

I would love to know what that is.

tengreenbottles.... my sentiments exactly

Sabine you state "I acknowledged that there are developmental and other issues at stake some of the time."

But do you acknowledge that sometimes children are fussy without developmental or other issues and their parents give them good food and do not pander? I know that some parents always give rubbish food and thats what their children eat and they will not try other stuff. But that is not true for some of us on this thread.

Well, I treat my guests as I would treat my kids (and I must say, as we constantly seem to have other people's kids over to play - which is great - they have to fall in with what my family are doing). I make tea that they have previously eaten, or I choose a food that I know they like, and also provide a few extras that maybe they haven't tried or they have mentioned they are not sure about. If they don't want it, I say, 'don't worry sweetie, just leave it'. I make everyone sit until the last person has finished - its amazing how much they are prepared to try if they are sitting talking anyway. My DS1 eats a limited range of food if not encouraged to do otherwise, my DS2 would eat the carpet if not actively encouraged to do otherwise. I suspect neither of their eating habits are much to do with me. Both my kids get a very balanced and healthy diet. Other people's kids - not my problem. I just report to their parents on how much they have eaten in a kind of 'you-might-want-to-top-them-up-later' or 'has-stuffed-himself-silly-so-dodge-the-vomit' kind of way.

"You have three children who eat.

You think that is a result of your parenting"

Yes - at least in part. Why shouldn't I feel that way? My children's attitudes and tastes in relation to most things, including food, are influenced by my attitudes - . Of course they are.

"So help me then - it was a genuine request.

You seem to have a way of ensuring that children do not dictate what they eat"

I've already explained how we deal with meals and food in our house. Me and DH decide what the family will eat during the week - we all eat the same foods. If the children don't like it then I take it away, after encouraging them to eat a mouthful. I don't offer them other food, other than the pudding they would have had anyway. They are allowed to eat a couple of pieces of fruit after their evening meal if they're still hungry. I keep offering foods that they have previously rejected and most of the time they eventually stop rejecting these foods - sometimes after they've rejected it 15 or 20 times before. I expect my children to reject a proportion of the food I give them. This is normal. Therefore I give them the huge range of foods. That means they can reject a proportion and still eat dozens and dozens of different foods. Unless something makes them feel sick I expect them to eat a mouthful - even if they don't like it, just like I expect them to occasionally tolerate boredom or people they don't like. You can't have exactly what you want all the time - and sometimes what you like isn't good for you. I sometimes eat things I don't like much out of politeness to other people, because I don't like waste or because I know it's going to do me good. I've learned to tolerate it because my parents encouraged me to. They thought of it as a life skill worth learning - as do I. The upshot of all this for me is that food is a huge pleasure and adventure in my life: I've challenged my tastebuds and sometimes had to step outside my comfort zones - I encourage my children to do the same. I am the least fussy person I know and genuinely enjoy a massive range of foods. I'm incredibly proud that my children are shaping up the same - that they get excited about food. If this makes me 'smug' - well, so what. I'm also pleased that my children are developing some idea of the effort and expense that goes into preparing food and have some compunction about rejecting things on a whim that someone might have paid a lot of money for and put effort into making for them.

YABU and a little bit smug tbh, saying that my child will not eat, fishfingers, chicken nuggets, chips, sausage or any other bland type of processed crap - she is a very good eater. I would always ask a parent what their child likes/dislikes on account of them being a GUEST in my house.

blimey, having read through some of the thread, i take that back about you sounding a "little smug. You sound like you got extra portions of it AND asked for seconds. Get over yourself

"YABU and a little bit smug tbh, saying that my child will not eat, fishfingers, chicken nuggets, chips, sausage or any other bland type of processed crap - she is a very good eater.

Um - I don't actually recall saying anything specifically about your children.

"I would always ask a parent what their child likes/dislikes on account of them being a GUEST in my house"

Well - I obviously see it from another perspective. I think that when you accept someone's hospitality you owe them a duty of politeness. This doesn't stretch to feeling like you have the right to treat their house like a restaurant. It's like if someone brought me a present. I wouldn't hand it back to them saying 'oh I don't like that very much, could you get me something else'. It's a basic courtesy.

sometimes my DD decides she doesn't like potato, i stick some pasta with her dinner, she likes that. Just lately she has decided that she does like potato - hey ho. My daughter will eat anything, i think this is because i have taken an extremely laid back attitude for food and let her have what she likes. She will quite happily tuck into olives, garlic cloves, fish, rice, mild curries, lots of yummy stuff - does it make me a better parent?Nup, just a lucky one

Actually, I would rather other parents didn't pander to my DS1's foibles about what he doesn't want to eat that day (and believe me, what he hates one day, will be his favourite dinner the next!). I would rather them serve what they were planning to serve -quite often he will eat at his friend's what he has been refusing to eat at home for months. That's his problem, not mine and not their's either. He can choose whether he wants to eat it or not. Personally, don't let her get to you. She won't starve.

can you answer my question now?

What foods are outside your comfort zone? genuinley interested. Except maybe dog and insects am not sure if I have such a thing regards to food. I love trying new things and regard it as a pleasure not a challenge.

maybe you are just a crap cook and the child doesn't want to eat the stuff you make

Any fish that you eat whole - bones, head and all!!! Gross. Couldn't bring myself to serve them.

its a bit like the woman on "my family" she tries too hard in the kitchen bless her.

OP in your posts you have made several condescending comments. So what if children are not adventurous with food. So long as they have a healthy diet it doesnt really matter. There are actually more important things in the world to worry about than whether little jonny will only eat chicken nuggets.

LEM - could be that . Actually asked a friend of mine which sausages she buys because my DS has decided he likes hers better because they are 'thin'. They were exactly the ones I buy! Bloody kids.

So how come I have 2 great eaters and one fussy one? Is that my fault or hers? And if it's hers, why can't it be her fault if she's an only child (i.e. no siblings to compare to)?

I would not expect my child to eat something she didn't like out of "politeness". That is just daft, on account of them being children. Our "palletes" are probably just as much a result of our genes as our upbringing to be fair. I do think it is great to offer lots of different foods to children, i would say though that if were having child guests i would make my life easy and avoid the outer mongolian goat chilli on that night.

My Ds has a friend who will only eat a very limited range of very plain food. eg plain pasta, dry toast, plain rice.

I find this quite extreme, but his Mums view is that she doesn't want to make food an issue and is confident he will eventually grow out of it.

I respect her relaxed attitude (I'd probably have identified the 50 things I did wrong when weaning as the cause) and so when he comes I make a tea which includes one type of foodstuf he will eat.

People are SO hung up on food.

Childen being fussy is very normal. Ask your adult friends, who now eat everything, about their food prefernces as children, it was likey to have been quite limited at some point.

Breathe deeply, relax and feed your children.

Amen youcanthaveeverything.

Do you have the recipe for that curry LEM? My husband could do with broadening his pallet - he is far worse than the kids for not trying new things.

"Nup, just a lucky one" - yes, it was so lucky that the olives, fish etc fell into your shopping basket and you were therefore able to offer your daughter a taste of a wide range of foods.

Just think - it could have been chicken nuggets, white bread and cheese strings regularly falling into your basket. Or you could have been pulled into chicken cottage to buy your children's meals by some strange alien force........

Stop with the false modesty. You're as smug as the next woman. You just couldn't wait to drop in that your dd eats olives.....

Sabine you state "I acknowledged that there are developmental and other issues at stake some of the time."

"But do you acknowledge that sometimes children are fussy without developmental or other issues and their parents give them good food and do not pander? I know that some parents always give rubbish food and thats what their children eat and they will not try other stuff. But that is not true for some of us on this thread"

OK - does this help: yes, sometimes parents give children a range of good foods and do everything right, and the children continue to reject most things they are given, even children who don't have specific emotional or developmental 'issues' with food. Yes - it happens. I have not denied this to be the case - it's just that you've got all aggressive and defensive about your own children's eating habits and are desperate to make me out to be entirely unreasonable.

I have argued on this thread that many children have developed fussy eating habits because they're not exposed to a wide range of foods at home and because of lazy parenting. Are you saying that this definitely isn't true, and your evidence for assertion is that your children are fussy eaters, despite the fact that you have done everything in your power to encourage them to eat well?

Just look at the evidence around you... the record numbers of obese children, rocketing rates of diabetes, cancers and diet related illnesses.

Of course some of the bad eating of children is down to the food culture in which they're raised. You only have to go to other European countries to see just how messed up so many children in the UK are about food. It's a shocker.

When you have your kids pals over you should make them welcome not get wound up by their daft little habits - which no doubt they'll grow out of.
FFs I give 'em all either spag bol, sausage and chips or an indoor picnic.
She's come to play with her mate not for moral guidance

Sabire, yes tf course the food culture effects children's attitudes to food.

But it is natural for many children to be fussy (only eat limited range of food) in all cultures.

What the limited range is, will vary deoending on the culture obviously.

And of course you can increase the chances of the being adventurous with food, by modelling that and offering wide varity of food. But sometims they'll just be fussy anyway.

Why is that so hard to accept/understand?

"i would make my life easy and avoid the outer mongolian goat chilli on that night"

And also, presumably the soup, pasta, rice, cheese, pizza, stew, risotto, quiche, fried rice, stir fries, fish, seafood, all meat other than roast beef and chicken, eggs, tomatoes, courgettes, aubergines, squash, mushrooms..... etc etc, as these also happen to be on the list - along with mongolian goat chilli no doubt, of things my dd's 9 year old friend won't eat, something that nobody apart from me apparently seems to see as in any way unusual or problematic.