To get so wound up about my dd's fussy friend...

[sabire]

who comes round OFTEN, and doesn't eat: pasta, pizza, cheese, seafood, fish, rice, tomatoes, anything in a sauce, quiche, noodles, lasagna ('never tried that!), stew argggh!

I really struggle to be accomodating, because the lesson I give my own children around food is this: you are not in a cafe and you don't get to pick and choose your meals. When someone prepares food for you it's a gift and a privilege. If you don't like it, just politely say you aren't very hungry and don't have seconds. If children say to me 'I don't like that' when they come around for a meal I just say - 'don't worry love - you don't have to eat it' but don't offer them anything else..... Is that mean?

When my dd goes to other people's houses and they say 'what would she like to eat' my answer is: 'whatever you want to give her'. Consequently my children are very unfussy compared to their friends - they eat almost anything and enjoy it. Obviously if a child was allergic to something or really repulsed by it I wouldn't expect them to eat it - but basic fussiness - I can't cope with it. I'm just worried that I'm going to turn my children into social pariahs because I won't pander to their friends' fussy eating habits.

Winky Winkola - you are the first person on MN I've ever typed F Off to, and then deleted it!. Your comment "There is no child in the world that will refuse to eat if they're really hungry. " shows a complete lack of understanding - if you read my post further up you will see that that is PRECISELY what my child does. Ds1 who is 7 used to wake up every morning and vomit bile because his little stomach was so empty it was contracting involuntarily making him retch and vomit. He still wouldn't eat his breakfast.

Even now, at the age of 7, if there is nothing he likes he will go without. He will not eat any biscuits apart from jammie dodgers, he will not try new sweets or chocolate - the only chocolate he eats is chocolate buttons or white chocolate buttons. At Sunday School they were all given chocolates from a selection box (things like curly wurlys etc) - he went without. Ice cream - he only likes my homemade vanilla or the soft scoop vanilla.

Please do not be so judgmental and please do not make sweeping statements. Just because you haven't met a child like my child does not mean that 'under your rules my child would not be fussy.'

sabire you still haven't answered my question, is it because you actually don't have the answers either?

Your preaching but seem unable to back up what you're saying. You have a theory but ni evidence to prove it.

so i'm waiting, how do you stop a child being a fussy eater?

i veeeery much doubt that those JO kids were the product of MN-endorsed parenting... [snooty]

And fwiw, ds1 will NOT eat a burger, or a commercial pizza. My children have NEVER been to McDonalds or Burger King or any of those places. I would be DELIGHTED if ds1 would eat a burger, or chicken nuggets or anything like that, as that could be a starting point to eating more meat.

Yes, Sabire or WW - read my LOOOOONG post above, and then tell me exactly what you would do with ds1, and what action you would take when he is vomiting bile through starvation?

I have noticed that OP - Sabire has repeatedly ignored Memoo's question.
Op has nothing to back up her arguments ?>?????????

I think fussyness becomes the fault of the parent when they start pandering to it.

I think all children go through stages of not wanting to eat certain foods. The problem is that children's tastes develop at certain times in their lives, so if they're not given the opportunity to have new tastes in their diets then they will miss those opportunities and their taste for the new things won't develop. Also with children it's often about texture, and again as adults we become more tolerant to that.

I was an incredibly fussy child. I ate nothing but dry shreddies and sugar puffs I ate no fruit apart from bananas, no vegetables, basically I ate shreddies and some meat and bread and butter. And my mother pandered to this fussyness. As I grew up I obviously varied my tastes and moved away from cereal and ate more meat and potatoes, but I was never made to eat fruit and vegetables, I didn't like it so my mother never gave it to me.

As an adult I am still fussy about green things. And I really, honestly believe that had my mum been a bit harder on me about eating as a child, I would have developed those tastes at the crucial times.

Obviously there are some children who have complex food issues, but IMO the vast majority are just picking and choosing at a time when their tastes are still developing. And if their parents pander to that by never exposing them to the things they won't eat, then they will never develop a taste for some of those foods.

The problem is that food is the first thing we need to survive. So when our children reject it we do the most natural thing to us and give in to them just so that they will eat something, anything.

But IMO it's important to look at the bigger picture sometimes.

My eldest daughter is a fussy eater. But she is not rude nor does she prefer processed crap (she doesn't eat chips, pizza, etc and would rather have grilled chicken, pasta and cauliflower). Sabire you have been blessed with non-fussy children, hurray for you. Please don't assume that those of us with fussy eaters are weak and ineffective parents that let our children dictate the family menu.

If I went to someone's for dinner and they served up liver and mushrooms I really could not eat it, however rude that may seem. I would hope that if someone is kind enough to provide dinner they would ensure that it is acceptable to the guests. I wouldn't expect them to shoot off to Tescos and get an alternative, but neither would I expect them to criticise me for not eating it. The same applies to the child you are referring to - ok so she wouldn't eat what you were offering and had some toast, what's the problem? Ensuring she has a healthy balanced diet is her parents' responsibility, not yours.

i don't think that sabire is presenting quite such a clear-cut case as you are making out, tbh. surely you can see that there are levels to this... a phobia isn't the same as never having been asked to eat something other than 'kids' food'.

that said, sabire, if she'll eat toast i wouldn't get wound up about it. although funnily enough, my friend's wee girl became (temporarily) really minxy about food (lots of refusal, tantrums etc) because she was copying the behaviour of a pal of hers. if that were to be an issue, i'd just make sure the fussy one was fed at home i think.

Winky Winola, I think you need to educate yourself by going onto some of the threads of 'fussy eaters'.
I praise god (nothing at all to do with my parenting, by the way), that I don't need to go there.
But if you did, you would see what a struggle and a strain it can be. And that people need support from eachother.

I do not have a difficult eater. But please, have a tiny bit of sympathy for those that do.

Tortoiseshell, I have already apologised for being narrow minded.

Did you take your son to the doctor? His reaction to food sounds really extreme.

Sorry - I missed that. Apology accepted!

Things I tried with ds1 - I spoke to the HV, who discussed the matter with a dietician who said that as long as he was growing height-wise then he was getting enough nutrition to not be referred. He is just under average height, so they were happy with that. Weight wise - he is aged 7, and weighs 3stone3, so not heavy at all - he has absolutely no fat on him. His legs go out for the knees, and out again for his ankles (iyswim) - so his knees and ankles are the widest part of his legs(!). I have never seen someone's legs be narrower than their ankles before!

I haven't spoken to a doctor about him, because he is 'ok' - and the last thing I want to do is to make HIM think 'I have a problem with food'. So I am going for a 'relaxed' attitude to try and help him enjoy the experience of eating. For example we quite often go out to a lovely Indian restaurant as a family. Ds2 and dd enjoy everything (esp ds2 who at age 2.2 LOVES Chicken Shashlick!) - ds1 loves the popadums, nan, boiled rice - and my hope is that the enjoyment of the experience will lead him to less anxiety around the whole food issue, and encourage him to feel relaxed enough to try something at some point.

In family meals I try and make sure there is SOMETHING he likes on the table - maybe some rice and peas, maybe some pasta twists with grated cheese, so that he doesn't sit there with an empty plate saying 'I don't like anything'. But it is available for everyone, so it doesn't feel like he has a 'special' meal. If I don't do this then we get into the cycle of not eating, then being too hungry to eat, then getting ill.

OP, YANBU. There is too much pandering to the wistful whims of children in this country From what I have observed in my limited experience, fussy eaters are on a power trip and use food to manipulate and dominate their weak-willed parents.

My DTS eat what they are given. If there is something that they really don't like, they don't have it but most of the time their dislikes depend on which way the wind is blowing.

Read the fucking thread

Tortoise, Can I say something to you/ask you something sensitive ?

of course

and sorry spokette!

tortoishell, If they have not been to Macdonalds, why don't you try it? I'm not saying that Macdondalds and Burgerking type foods are good for you at all, but most children go now and again for a treat. If your child was taken and liked nuggets for example you would be able to make your own. Also if he took a liking to a burger you could easily make those yourself. Taking them to Macdonalds would certainly have a novelty value. You could even keep the box and put your own nuggets in it! I always say to my DS if he is given something new that could he try a bit, if he really does not like it then he has permission to remove it from his mouth into a tissue. He has discovered and has been surprised at how much he likes some things that he thinks look disgusting but turn out to taste quite nice.

Agree, Snowleopard.

Why are people ranting and raving on here about children being given something they don't like?

My friend's mum was a crap cook. Really dreadful. On one occasion when I was seven years old she served up baked onions. Plain baked onions. So we all had one wobbly onion on our plate, and a knife and fork.

Did I say "I don't like that." Did I heck. I pushed it around a bit, said I wasn't very hungry, and then thanked her.

NO-ONE is castigating a fussy child - they are complaining about bad manners.

There is a big difference between those who have a genuine, physical or psychological (and perhaps emotional) issue with eating certain foods and those who are just plain fussy because they are allowed to be that way.

I, like the OP, am referring to the latter group and the parents of these spoilt brats children are doing them a huge disservice by pandering to their unreasonable and unjustifiable whims.

LOL fircone. my DP always likes to tell me the story about when he went to tea at a friends when he was little. The mother served up spagetti. That was it, just spagetti, no sauce with it, just a plate of minging off white spagetti! I think he ended up asking for some ketchup to make it go down a bit better!

When does fussy, change to being a..... problem/issue/ fear - can't think of right word.
I think maybe what your ds has is more than fussiness. Do you think that is fair. Upsetting ?

It must have been the same mum, Sim43. My friend's mum served up plain spaghetti, too. I can remember really trying to force it down, yet the rest of her family gobbled it up, as obviously to them it was quite normal to eat a big pile of swollen over-cooked spaghetti, without a hint of sauce.

But, I repeat, I would NEVER EVER have said I didn't like it, or asked for anything else. And I would be mortified if my dcs did this, too, even if they were served sheeps eyeballs with a spring of parsley on top.

Oblomov - that's a really good question. And it is one I've thought about lots. I think he has food 'anxiety' - which is a term I've just made up - because if he is in a strange situation, or if he is face with food he is not confident about, he gets too anxious to eat what he does like.

Also, I think he has some sort of sensory/taste issues - he is very similar in his eating patterns to a friend's boy with autism. Ds1 is utterly NT, but he does seem to have the same food issues.

The problem is, that to others - for example, to parents of his friends who invite him for tea - he seems a 'fussy' child. He wouldn't eat baked beans at one friend's house because there were 'bits' in them - given that he normally eats beans at home, this shouldn't have been a problem, but he was afraid of the beans. But the way he dealt with it was 'What sort of beans are these? Oh - I don't eat Tesco beans I'm afraid.'

Similarly, icecream is a real sticking point - it is almost impossible to buy him an icecream in a shop, as they all have chocolate or nuts or sauces. He has just started liking mini milks (hurrah) which has hugely improved things. But again, to a mum of a friend that would come over as fussy.

And in the OP's post, he could be that girl - she could well have similar issues - but the OP not be aware of them.

The anxiety and taste issues are why I'm adopting a 'softly softly' approach - the more fear I can remove from the equation, the more he is likely to be receptive to new foods.

I always like my guests to enjoy what Ive cooked rather than just eat it out of politeness. I have a friend who hates fish so I never cook him that. I have never cooked it and hoped he would eat it so not to be rude. Its hardly a restaurant if you just ask is there anything they hate?

Fussy child does not always = parent only providing processed crap!

Yes DS2 is fussy, but apart from fishfingers, I don't buy processed food as a rule.