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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that DDs main birthday present should come from her PARENTS

73 replies

lucyellensmum · 19/07/2008 13:34

especially when it is her first "big girls" bike that she is desperate for!

I'm really pissed off because it just seems to be a case of keeping the grandparents happy. I might be being a bit of a brat about it, but i want DDs first bike to be special not an "argos special". So i said to DP, please phone your mum and say that we want to buy DDs bike - but instead he rang her and said can we go halves - FFS!!! I guess i am being unreasonable but i feel as if my thunder is being stolen.

My mother is just as bad, she is sulking because i don't want her to buy the most enourmous (hideious) trampoline with a fecking castle on it, to go in our postage stamp garden. Yes it will "fit" but that doesnt actually mean that we have enough space for it - once thats in, there will be no playing space. So had to put my foot down. She was already sulking because she wanted to buy the bike - so i thought, well if i put my foot down with both sets of GPs no one will get pissed off. Thanks for backing me up DP.

I have no idea what to buy DD and quite frankly she doesn't need anymore toys and tatt. I don't want to end up buying her stuff that she wont use because i "have to buy something".

Pissed off now. I just think that her bike should be from mummy and daddy.

OP posts:
BetteNoire · 19/07/2008 13:37

YABU.
It's her birthday, not yours!
She won't care who it comes from.
Just be delighted that you have a DD that is so obviously cherished by so many people.

Buy her a small, token gift, and then get her something she would like or needs later in the year.

Not worth getting all wound up over.
And certainly not worth tainting your DD's birthday over.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/07/2008 13:38

But you're going halves aren't you? So it will be from you. And you can get a fancy one.

posieflump · 19/07/2008 13:38

I agree.

MIL said 'we want to buy ds' frst bike'

I said ;that's very kind of you, but so do I'

she sent a cheque for said bike so we just banked it and told him the bike was from us
Yes it was a bit immoral but we had told her not to and she ignored us

littlerach · 19/07/2008 13:38

My dad bought dd1's first (and second) bike.

And dd2's first scooter.

I actually find that easier, as i can get her little bits that she points out whne we are out, like books or stationery.
Or put money in her bank account.

Seabright · 19/07/2008 13:39

Could the grandparent's half of the money be spent on a really good cycle helmet, basket/carrier, bell etc? Then the bike would be from you and she'd also get the acessories that she's bound to want too?

ThatBigGermanPrison · 19/07/2008 13:39

well.....

This may not be what you want to hear, but my son's first bike came from the car boot because I couldn't afford a new one. If any of his grandparents had had the slightest inclination to get him an "argos special" I'd have cried with relief.

I do think you being very precious and slightly brattish, sorry. YABU.

mazzystar · 19/07/2008 13:40

I would let both sets of gps go halves on the bike
Which you will choose
I don't agree that it needs to come from you - in our house the best stuff always comes from granny

ilovemydog · 19/07/2008 13:43

DP and I had a similar conversation last week when it was DD's 2nd birthday.

My reasoning was that I buy her things all year round, and really wasn't in the mood for spending more cash.

DP wanted to get her something big.

So, we compromised and got her a lovely book.

And it's the job description of grandparents to spoil their grandchildren.

I say, 'let them!'

Alambil · 19/07/2008 13:49

My DS's first bike was £3 off ebay - it was in ok condition but not perfect.

For his 5th birthday my parents upgraded it to a brand new one (about £70) - I spent £10 or £20 on him that birthday.

I don't care. He doesn't care. Your DD won't even care.... yabu.

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 19/07/2008 13:49

i know im being a brat really. And this is going to sound EVEN WORSE and im not very proud of myself either. But i don't consider that his parents are as close as lucy as my mum, and what my Dad should have been. I think that is because my Dad is not here. If he was, then he would have bought the bike, AND taught her how to ride it - i think THAT is what sticks in my gullet. Every time DP calls his dad grand dad, for DD it really catches in my throat to say but he isn't her grand dad, her grand dad is dead. This is an awful attitude i know because her GPs are lovely all of them. I feel like i am being disloyal in some way which is really sad and pathetic i know. I tried to disuade MIL by saying, thankyou, its too much but she insisted "oh , she must have a bike" yes, she must, and we will be buying it.

Biggermanprison - i would have bought DDs bike from a bootfair if i had seen one to be honest, or even the free adds but haven't. Im not precious about new or seond hand, but i would rather have second hand decent than new tatt. Pretty much all of DDs toys and clothes come from charity shop, in fact im quite OCD about it. My mum was pissed off because i said, ooh theres a play house in the paper and its cheap too, why don't you buy that - oh no, i'll buy a new one - nooooooooooo, because if you buy a new one it will be tatt.

OP posts:
ThatBigGermanPrison · 19/07/2008 13:52

I see your point, and I do understand how you wanted it to be your own dad to be doing it. You have a fair point also about the old quality rather than new shite.

perhaps them, let them cough up half each,. and YOU choose a really nice bike.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/07/2008 13:53

Does she know you've been having financial problems? She's probably just trying to help. I do understand, and I know you are still in bits about your dad, but you must be careful not to negatively influence your dd's relationship with her grandparents.

2cats2many · 19/07/2008 13:55

YANBU. I have the same issues with my parents all the time.

My house is full of plastic tatt bought by relatives that neither me or DD want.

I've asked my mum to restrain herself and instead of buying toys, to put the money that she was going to spend in a money box for DD to go into her savings account, but it's fallen on deaf ears.

cory · 19/07/2008 13:56

I think you do have to make a conscious effort to distinguish between your concerns (missing your Dad etc) and your dd's concerns. After all, as far as she is concerned, your ILs are her grandparents just as much as your Dad would have been if he had been around and you have no right to take that away from her. Your feelings are your feelings and nothing to do with her.

Afraid this is not much practical help with bike-buying. But try to identify how much of your negative feelings is to do with the idea of "other" grandparents encroaching (irrelevant to dd!) and how much to do with the actual unsuitability of the bike as dd's first proper bike.

desperatehousewifetoo · 19/07/2008 13:57

Our house is like mazzystar's. We can't afford things like bikes so my parents always buy the big stuff.

I always think - thank goodness for that.

My dcs (6yrs and 3yrs), never remember who bought them what and we get to see the delight on their faces when they open their presents.

Was going to suggest you ask your mum to get a snazzy bicycle helmet, bell, basket but see s'one else beat me to it.

Hope your dd has a fab birthday

TheFallenMadonna · 19/07/2008 13:58

My parents want to buy things that my DC will play with. I don't have a problem with that. And my DD just dies for tat!

Bumperlicious · 19/07/2008 14:00

LEM, you are being a bit unreasonable, but I think you realise that. What is weird about having a child is that your ILs which as a wife can happily distance yourself from are equally as related to your children as your family. It's a bit strange and I must admit sometimes I feel quite territorial about DD.

I don't think it really matters who buys DD the bike, but if you have one in mind try and steer the parents in that direction.

glasgowgal · 19/07/2008 14:06

YANBU

I know how you feel. What will happen though is that you will get something big, then so will they and you'll feel unnecessary things have been bought for the sake of it. Also, they will feel every time they come up with an idea to spoil thier grandchild, you dismiss it and may lead to resentment. Can't help other than to say I understand.

windygalestoday · 19/07/2008 14:08

yabu i think in the general picture does it matter who actually buys it?

i go out of my way to find things for fil to buy that means our sons think he is the best present giver in the whole world - its good for kids to know they are important to several adults.

its a bike she will ride it it will give her plesure it will give her grandparents pleasure to know that she is enjoying it.

if your mum is much closer to your little girl then surely that means shes the one who knows what comics to buy her on a weekly basis what her latest fd re and those little gifts all year round build that intimacy rather than a posh new bike.

weve this last year spent £450 on kids bikes (for xmas and bdays)and id love someone to have argued over who ws paying

please dont take this in the wrong way i wonder if your anxiety is cusing you to build this up to be far bigger than it really is.

by the way shes gonna need more than one bike so whoever doesnt buy this bike will have a chance within the next few years.

AmIALousySister · 19/07/2008 14:08

But he is her grandad though, isn't he? (Or am I wrong?)

MY ILs bought dd's first bike. About 3 days after I had given birth to ds & had told them NOT to buy the fecking thing.

I have told them they can buy ds his first bike now too

Original poster
lucyellensmum · 19/07/2008 14:25

I am happy now, we are going halves and they will buy the cycle helmet. It means i can get the bike i want for DD so im quite grateful actually. We are just going to go out and look at a climbing frame out of the paper that can be from my mum. If it is not too big, else she can buy her a play house.

OP posts:
itati · 19/07/2008 14:30

YANBU

If your DP won't do as you ask, tell him to sort it out, or you will. I hate it when the kids like presents from grandparents more than ours!

itati · 19/07/2008 14:32

But your DP's dad is her grandad isn't he?

combustiblelemon · 19/07/2008 14:34

(probably a firm pat on the back and a large glass of wine)

I'm sorry that you're feeling like this. I don't have any idea what it's like, because I'm lucky enough to still have both parents. I have lost all my grandparents though, and grief can bring up some ugly but natural feelings of anger and resentment.

I still get really angry with my DH for not appreciating his Grandma enough, and for the first few months after my last grandparent died, I found it really hard to be around his family when they were visiting his grandma. I remember when my great aunt died seeing her grandaughter (in her 30s) crying at the funeral and thinking at least you had all that time with her, mine died when I was a child. She never got to see me grow up, graduate etc. The fact that I know that some people don't get any time with their grandmothers didn't make it any easier.

It sound like you have two separate issues. One with GPs buying excessive amounts of cheap, plastic stuff for your child when you've asked them not to/said you want to buy that item yourself. The other with mourning the loss of the grandad your DD should have had and accepting the one she still has.

iwillbepositive · 19/07/2008 17:42

YANBU or if you are, I am too!

I feel pissed off today because MIL has been looking for school uniform for dd, couldn't find any she liked and so is "sending a cheque". Pretty innocuous? Well no one has asked her to do this, and dd going to school for the first time is a big thing for me. I want to look for her uniform myself and, oddly, pay for it. I don't want to think of MIL when she puts it on for the first time.

Without any background, I sound completely mad but MIL is very controlling and this is just a minor symptom....

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