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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DDs main birthday present should come from her PARENTS

73 replies

lucyellensmum · 19/07/2008 13:34

especially when it is her first "big girls" bike that she is desperate for!

I'm really pissed off because it just seems to be a case of keeping the grandparents happy. I might be being a bit of a brat about it, but i want DDs first bike to be special not an "argos special". So i said to DP, please phone your mum and say that we want to buy DDs bike - but instead he rang her and said can we go halves - FFS!!! I guess i am being unreasonable but i feel as if my thunder is being stolen.

My mother is just as bad, she is sulking because i don't want her to buy the most enourmous (hideious) trampoline with a fecking castle on it, to go in our postage stamp garden. Yes it will "fit" but that doesnt actually mean that we have enough space for it - once thats in, there will be no playing space. So had to put my foot down. She was already sulking because she wanted to buy the bike - so i thought, well if i put my foot down with both sets of GPs no one will get pissed off. Thanks for backing me up DP.

I have no idea what to buy DD and quite frankly she doesn't need anymore toys and tatt. I don't want to end up buying her stuff that she wont use because i "have to buy something".

Pissed off now. I just think that her bike should be from mummy and daddy.

OP posts:

mummytokatieandhannah · 19/07/2008 21:38

TBH yes I do think you are being unreasonable. I know how you feel though I have had the same battles with my mum when it comes to dd1. Don't mean to sound patronising but since having dd2 and getting through her 1st birthday I find I am much more relaxed about these things.

mummytokatieandhannah · 19/07/2008 21:39

Argh meant to say is she your 1st. grrr that'll teach me not to preview posts

frumpygrumpysooksgin · 19/07/2008 21:42

Haven't read the thread but.........I am so with that. I think that since I deal with all the crap stuff, I earn the right to also be the one who gets to have the heart-swell from watching my DCs open their favourite, most-wanted, scream-inducing present. It brings balance.

And, as the song goes, all the rest should be by the way.

frumpygrumpysooksgin · 19/07/2008 21:43

No offence, but I disagree about it changing the more children you have.......... didn't with me.

frumpygrumpysooksgin · 19/07/2008 21:49

And I remember when my DD1 was little and my neighbour asked her, on Christmas Eve morning, what she was hoping Santa might bring. My DD1 said a skipping rope (which was already in my loft waiting to be wrapped by me in front of the fire, a heart-swell moment).

That afternoon my neighbour popped round with a Christmas gift for my DD1 and insisted she open it. Yup. A skipping rope. I don't do this often on MN but

I agree with psmith's post. Some things are a rite of passage and for parents to enjoy.

ScottishMummy · 19/07/2008 21:52

imo no dont compete or you will do this for in perpetuity. your daughter will grow up loving her parents.she wont remember or care who bought what particular present

after all if she wants it, then does it matter who buys it?a bicycle is an inanimate object it cant usurp parental love.

so frankly regardless of who buys what you have a pivotal role.so don't worry about it

dancing horses,unicorns,etc - what really matters is unconditionally given love

so if GP's want to buy a Formula one bells n whistle bike - so what?

psmith · 19/07/2008 21:52

the child will be happy either way probably but I genuinely don't understand why people think that the gp's happiness is more important than lem's.

Lots have people have said that LEM is BU because in their families the grandparents buy the big present, or their childs bike was second hand or lucyellen will enjoy it no matter who buys it.

Whilst I can see that all these are reasonable comments, the crux of this is not whether the child will get a bike or not as she is going to get one and will be very pleased, but that LEM wants to choose it and wants to buy it herself and she is practically being told that she is not allowed that pleasure because someone who is not LEM has decided that they want to take that pleasure away and keep it for themselves.

I only ever had one grandparent and she outlived my dad. I think its a rather weak arguement to say that grandparents can ride roughshod over the feelings of parents because they will probably die sooner.

frumpygrumpysooksgin · 19/07/2008 21:56

I'm totally with psmith.

This isn't about the child. This is about being the one who delivers the most-hoped for gift. And I think its selfish to insist on taking that position from the parents unless the parents ok it.

WinkyWinkola · 19/07/2008 22:00

Not only are some things rite of passage for a parent to enjoy but if a parent would prefer a gp or anyone not to buy something for or do something to the child, then that parent's wishes should be respected. I think it's that lack of respect that is what galls a lot of parents.

The GPs have had their turn with their kids. Now it's the parents turn and the GPs just have to listen to what the parents decide is best for their children and themselves. It's tough but I don't imagine the GPs did it any differently when they were parents of small children.

When I became a parent, I never once imagined that I would not be able to make decisions for my child for whom I am responsible without someone else other than my DH interfering. It's a reality for lots of parents and I don't think it's right.

nooka · 19/07/2008 22:01

My parents rarely remember my children's birthdays, and we do lists at Christmas, so presents tend to be things I have asked for (or they have). When dh and I separated I was very upset that he took them on their first trip abroad, which is similar I guess.

psmith · 19/07/2008 22:05

Its so nice to have someone agree with me frumpy. Its a pleasent change from being called bizzare.

frumpygrumpysooksgin · 19/07/2008 22:12

Oh, don't let me stop you being bizarre

MmeBovary · 19/07/2008 22:14

YABU. The "job" of GP is to spoil their dgc and often they have more spare cash to do so. My dad said he would buy my dd her first bike for her birhtday but unfortunately got made redundant before he could do so. We had already bought her BD presnets but bought her a bike later when we moved house where she could actually get some use from it (and worried that we were spoiling her)as it wasn't BD / Xmas etc).

What are you worried about here - that she will love them more tnan you? Just not going to happen. I'd be grateful that they are willing to buy such things You could spend the money on something entirely frivolous (Barbie related?)that she will get far more excited about

ninedragons · 19/07/2008 22:24

I think you may be being a little unreasonable. I know in an ideal world the bicycle would come from you, but hasn't money been very tight for you lately?

If I'm thinking of the right person (apologies if I'm not), the GPs are just trying to ensure that your DD doesn't miss out on something important because you're stretched.

olyoly · 19/07/2008 22:51

YABU. Children aren't concerned with who purchased a present. You get to experience the joy of being around dd everyday. Why not let GP experience the moment of joy that giving the bike will bring them?

My relatives are overly generous with my children, so I don't buy dc much at all. Instead, we do special things - like bake cakes and let dd decorate them. Or we spend the saved money on lessons/classes dc will enjoy or let dd pick Lelli Kelly shoes instead of simpler ones.

thisparachuteisaknapsack · 20/07/2008 08:18

I think YANBU. You get all the drudgery and hard work so you should get to do the nice things too. She is your child so other people shouldn't be able to say that you can't buy her whatever you want because they want to do it instead.

I understand that in lots of families the parents don't buy much and the grandparents step in, which is fine if thats what everyone in happy with. Being dictated to by the gp's is different altogether.

I agree that children don't care who the present is bought by but if you want to get it then people shouldn't be conspiring to stop you.

Nighbynight · 20/07/2008 08:46

I think YAB a bit U, but I understand and share these feelings. I just havent managed to persuade myself that they are NU!

zookeeper · 20/07/2008 08:51

Just read the op - the "argos special" comment makes my teeth itch with irritation. YABU and petty

Original poster

lucyellensmum · 20/07/2008 16:10

We got the bike, we got the bike . So, im happy, DP is happy, MIL is happy and DD is going to be VERY happy. We are going to go halves with MIL on the bike and she thought it was a good idea. We are glad that we didn't go for an "argos special", although we actually didn't spend any more money than if we had. DP and I, and MIL for that matter think we did the right thing as this way she got to try out the bikes and find the right one for her, which was good because some of them she found difficult to ride.

I have backed down on the trampoline too, so everyones happy .

To be fair to MIL all along, she was never ever pushy about buying the bike i was just too lilly livered to say, ah, but i want to buy that and at the time i also thought i might be able to find something else lovely to buy her but coudlnt think of anything.

Seeing DD on the bike today made me happy, i was excited and so was DP because we didnt think she would ride it so well, now we can't wait to teach her to ride.

OP posts:

DanJARMouse · 20/07/2008 16:12

my dad has bought my DD1 her first big girl bike for her birthday on thursday - thanks dad, i couldnt afford to do it.

We have bought her a scooter and some books.

Maybe being a little precious - after all, kids have no idea who presents are from within 10 mins of opening them.

DanJARMouse · 20/07/2008 16:13

oh and dad has bought her an argos special - comes with free protective gear dontcha know!

Original poster

lucyellensmum · 20/07/2008 16:18

IT would have been quite a different matter had my Dad bought it. Actually there was a lump in my throat today, her first bike - another milestone he wont see but happy too because he will smiling down on us.

OP posts:

DanJARMouse · 20/07/2008 17:44

i feel the same about my mum. she should be here to see it all, but she died when DD1 was 2 weeks old. there are 2 more she never got the chance to see.

will be 4 yrs on 7th august

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