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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that DDs main birthday present should come from her PARENTS

73 replies

lucyellensmum · 19/07/2008 13:34

especially when it is her first "big girls" bike that she is desperate for!

I'm really pissed off because it just seems to be a case of keeping the grandparents happy. I might be being a bit of a brat about it, but i want DDs first bike to be special not an "argos special". So i said to DP, please phone your mum and say that we want to buy DDs bike - but instead he rang her and said can we go halves - FFS!!! I guess i am being unreasonable but i feel as if my thunder is being stolen.

My mother is just as bad, she is sulking because i don't want her to buy the most enourmous (hideious) trampoline with a fecking castle on it, to go in our postage stamp garden. Yes it will "fit" but that doesnt actually mean that we have enough space for it - once thats in, there will be no playing space. So had to put my foot down. She was already sulking because she wanted to buy the bike - so i thought, well if i put my foot down with both sets of GPs no one will get pissed off. Thanks for backing me up DP.

I have no idea what to buy DD and quite frankly she doesn't need anymore toys and tatt. I don't want to end up buying her stuff that she wont use because i "have to buy something".

Pissed off now. I just think that her bike should be from mummy and daddy.

OP posts:

psmith · 19/07/2008 17:56

I think that the main present should come from the parents. When ds was 1, two of the mothers from toddler group bought him a trike. It was a nice gift but I didn't know them very well and I wanted to be the one to buy significant presents for my PFB. I never used it. I gave it to a charity shop and bought him another one for his second bday.

ninah · 19/07/2008 18:07

What's a main present? the most expensive one? My dc don't have grandparents, I really wish they did, I think yours are very lucky to have such a loving family around them.

Bumperlicious · 19/07/2008 18:11

I think that is really bizarre psmith, did you not use it out of principal? I admit it is odd for people you don't really know to buy such a lovely gift but to not use it at all? Surely there are years and years worth of gifts to get your child, at a time when they really care who it has come from. Gosh, I'd be quite happy if other people bought everything for DD from now on. My mum bought DD a trike for her 1st birthday, DD loves it, and when she understands I will tell her that Grandma bought it for her.

Still, I sure some who really appreciated it got it from the charity shop.

2shoes · 19/07/2008 18:18

yabu(but you know that)
my dad often pays for the big stuff for ds. he does it to help us and he knows we have a lot on our plate with dd.
let the grandparents buy the bike between them. at the end of the day as long as your dd gets a bike she won't care who it is from.

do understand about your dad, I find it hard cos I miss my mum and have a sm who is called Nan by the dc's.

psmith · 19/07/2008 18:34

He was too young for it so wouldn't have used it for a while anyway. I wanted to choose his first bike myself. He wouldn't have cared who it came from but I did. The one that I bought was used a lot in the year between his second and 3rd birthdays and is now used by dd so I wanted one that I liked. The one they bought was all plastic and had awful wheels and didn't have a stick at the back to push him along. (I considered a stick vital as I was pg when ds was 1) I would have spent years crouching down pushing non peddling infants and getting vibration white finger from the plastic wheel pot hole path combination and resenting every minute. I looked it up on argos to see if it was worth ebaying and it wasn't because it cost less that £10. I do keep presents that I don't like generally, as I acknowledge that they are for dcs, not for me and often you get something that they love that you wouldn't have bought in a million years, but I wanted to get my first child his first bike which I don't think is all that odd.

KaSo · 19/07/2008 18:43

I think you need to grow up and realise that the child won't give a sh*t about who it's from and has no concept of what a 'main present' even is.
What is important is your child having a lovely birthday with lovely gifts, not your ego.

piratecat · 19/07/2008 18:55

the bike wil last about 12 months if you are lucky.

i don't understand the tatt, non tatt issues.

i undersyand about them not listening to you, that this is annoying, but if you go halves on areally good one, then problem is solved.

perspective needed methinks.

psmith · 19/07/2008 19:01

I get a lot of pleasure from buying my children presents which I know that they will like. If it really didn't matter then the grandparents wouldn't be fighting to be the ones who buy the bike. This is not about a little girl getting a nice bike (she is def going to get one from someone), its about which of the adults should get the pleasure of choosing and buying what is a very significant gift. Why should the grandparents get that pleasure when the parent has said that she wants to do it. Its fair enough if lem wasn't bothered, but she is. Its like saving up to take your dcs to disneyland and having someone else swoop in at the last minute and take them instead. The dcs would still have a great time but the pleasure would be taken away from the parent and given to someone else.

pointydog · 19/07/2008 19:02

we let gps buy bikes. Saved us a lot of money so we were happy and thankful

fruitful · 19/07/2008 19:05

I can kind of understand. I am still p155ed off that SIL bought dd her first watch - when she was 3. I wanted it to be something special that we went out and chose together when she could actually tell the time. We'll still do that, but it won't be her "first watch".

In fact we might not do it, cos she has a watch. It will probably even fit her soon. I've spent the last 3 years fighting battles over it (she wants to wear it out when going to the park etc, and I think a 3yo shouldn't have a bit of glass loosely strapped to their wrist on the climbing frame - cue tantrums).

And as for tatt - we have so many cheap broken toys that my mum bought. She buys the cheap version, which means I can't go and buy a decent one, cos we have one now. So the dcs spend years trying to make the cheap one work properly rather than playing happily (am thinking about a bl**dy cash register here!).

Aagh aagh. Am jealous of those of you who get sent cheques!

DoubleBluff · 19/07/2008 19:10

YAnbu and YABU!
but i know how you feel.
I always liek to buy DS's their 'big' present but always seem to be out done by my parents.
Not tha I am ungratefull, but when they grow up I want them to remember the great presents that their parents gave them, not their grandparents.
It iss irrational i know and I wld never fall out over it but i know exactly wat you you mean OP!

StellaWasADiver · 19/07/2008 19:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LookattheLottie · 19/07/2008 19:12

YANBU!

A childs first bike and learning to ride it is a big deal, and a memory that they will always remember. Of course you want to be the one to buy her it!

pointydog · 19/07/2008 19:14

the memory of riding a bike is the big deal not who spent the money.

The money is irrelevant, the memories are pricelezs

psmith · 19/07/2008 19:15

There was once a thread on here about someone (SIL/MIL/DSM) who took a prepubecent girl out to buy her first bra without telling the mother. Some things are rites of passage and its only natural for the parents to be involved. I think first bra/watch/bike/school uniform/haircut/shoes are important for a lot of mothers and other people should give parents priority for involvement. I would like to make a dolls house with my dd when she is older (if she is into that sort of thing). If I told other people that I wanted to do that and then they bought her one themselves then I wouldn't be pleased about it, even though she would still have a dolls house in the end.

MrsWeasley · 19/07/2008 19:19

my mother is constantly doing this type of thing, from big things to little things.
I have never had a good relationship with her and left home at 16 to get away from her but these things do nothing to repair the relationship.

The little things are like today she took my DD (aged 13) for a bridesmaid dress fitting and ended up buying her some new sunglasses plus other stuff. It's a little thing I know but I had been planning on taking DD on a girly shopping trip at the start of the holidays and getting the glasses then. I wouldn't have minded except that my mother knew I was planning on taking DD out!

psmith · 19/07/2008 19:23

The choosing of the bike is important to lem.

ChukkyPig · 19/07/2008 20:11

LEM this is very interesting and have just had a chat with DH. Our DD turned one yesterday and apparently my dad wanted to buy her her first bike for it. My mum luckily pointed out that she was far too small and he was being stupid.

It's as if he wants to get in first with first dibs on the first bike (IYSWIM)!.

And he is my dad and a keen cyclist and TBH if I had ever thought about it I would have assumed that he would do first bike/teaching to ride.

Just had to check with DH what he thought and what his parents thought.

I think maybe the real thing here is that it would have been your dad's role, and as he is sadly not around to do it, you resent you PIL stepping into that role. And I understand that.

So YABU logically, but YANBU emotionally.

The thing is, that chidren are pretty selfish little tykes and pay little attention to who gifts are from as long as they arrive and are the right ones!

I see you have sorted it all out now which is great, and you will be the one teaching her to ride as well, which is more important than the giving of the bike IMO.

Blondilocks · 19/07/2008 20:21

Personally I'm not bothered who buys the most expensive present. If someone else does then I just think that I can buy her something else & then take her out somewhere as well.

I can't remember who bought DD's first bike, her second one was my old one, the third one her dad bought after texting me a picture & I just paid half. Now she's had it over a year she's more bothered about who goes out riding with her than who bought it.

To be honest it's probably the second or third bike which is the most important as this is the one which will last longer & also the learning to ride in the first place & then going out and about together which are important.

mazzystar · 19/07/2008 20:21

You know what lem, I have total sympathy with how you are feeling. My kids only have one surviving gp - my mum - and we have a lot of bittersweet emotions about how much the others would have enjoyed the children.

Nonetheless, I reckon its the bigger thing to do to let the gps get the bike. But definitely say you have eyed one up and the one you think most suitable is x or y. There will be other things to get dd, and the gps may not always be around.....

Elkat · 19/07/2008 20:50

Sorry but yeah I think yabu. Personally, I never buy the 'main' (most expensive) birthday present. I find that we spend a lot on the birthday party and that's our 'treat' to our DD, (we do this because we want her to realise its not all about the presents, so she has a 'big celebration' for her birthday, but big presents from us are reserved for Christmas). So for birthdays, we'll spend £30 max on all her pressies. So if she wants something big, then it has to come from one of the rellies. Give it a few years, when you've got the party to pay out for as well, you'll be glad that you've got someone who will get the big pressy for your dd!

Mamatastic · 19/07/2008 21:14

Gawd I wish I was having such scenarios as all of you lot! My DS is almost 9 months and to date all that my own parents have bought him is one cloth book for Christmas. They didn't get him an actual 'gift' at his birth but to be fair they did end up putting some money in his CTF (but not til about May at which point I had many months of wondering why they hadn't got him anything).

They love him to bits but never get him anything. Not that I particularly want them to as he diesn't really need loads yet and his inlaws and mummy and daddy get him lots, but I do sometimes think it's odd! It was the same with my Xmas pressies, I got a really special charm bracelet for my mum and put a teeny photo of DS in it, and got my dad a great audio CD collection.... and I got a book on 'How to save money' and I'm not kidding!!!!

I am not materialistic at all but I did think they might enjoy spoiling their first grandchild. I even had people saying to me 'awwwww bet your parents will spoil him rotton at Xmas!' to which I just had to smile weakly...

Anyway I've gone totally off topic, I meant to say YABU cos I would love it if my parents wanted to buy DS a bike but also YANBU as I can see your point too re buying him the special things.

MadamePlatypus · 19/07/2008 21:20

I think you are being reasonable to want to choose the bike - some bikes are much better made/easier to learn on than others.

I think you are being unreasonable about who buys it as I don't think your DD will care, and I think you are being very unreasonable to resent your DD's granddad for being her granddad, but then I think you know that.

jellybelly2007 · 19/07/2008 21:20

My ILs were minding DS1 for the day and took him out and bought his first shoes (which were hideous and didnt go with any of his clothes). I was so upset that they had taken that away from me, because at the time I swore I was never having another child (took me 10 years to change my mind and have DS2)and I was looking forward to getting them myself.
BUT, at least your ILs asked you, and even if it's not exactley how you wanted, DD will still be getting a bike.
Good on you for agreeing to go halves.

bluefox · 19/07/2008 21:32

YABU - Life is really too short to be bothering about things like this. If it makes the gps happy then so be it. One day there wont be any grandparents. It really dosent matter.

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