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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a tad p*ssed off when people say...

127 replies

youcannotbeserious · 19/07/2008 09:52

..... well, your DH doesn't need to worry - DS is def. his!!!

Now, to be fair, DS does look like DH but would people have seriously questioned his parentage if he didn't????

This isn't just one random comment - at least half a dozen people have commented on it when I sent the photos out...

What sort of woman do they think I am????

SO, AIBU to be ticked off about it or is it just something people say????

OP posts:
eidsvold · 19/07/2008 23:14

oh I have this all the time - people say - oh they take after their father then. I have three blonde haired, 2 blue eyed and one green/blue eyed child. I have dark hair and dark eyes and pretty much look like the nanny! But I just let it go and say yes they do.

I think you are a tad U - it is just a comment.

IF I got offended every time someone said how much my dds looked like their father or must take after their father I would live in a permanent state of being annoyed.

olyoly · 19/07/2008 23:33

People say that to me all the time. DC look like miniature versions of their father, which he seems to like. Maybe b/c when people say how cute the children are, he takes it as a personal compliment???

TinkerBellesMum · 19/07/2008 23:40

People get confused by our family.

I have green eyes, TBD has brown eyes, Tink has blue eyes.
I have brown/auburn hair, TBD has black hair, Tink is blonde.
I have skin so pale I struggle with foundation, TBD can watch a summery programme in winter and go bronze, Tink is a dark fair colour (more what you'd expect with my colouring).

He is 1/4 Russian and looks it, my family is very Celtic and I look it. My parents and his mum have blue eyes, my parents have brown hair, my sister is blonde/blue eyes and I have a lot of blonde cousins, but not sure where it comes from in our ancestry.

Tink is the double of her dad AND my mum!

susiecutiebananas · 20/07/2008 01:24

OK, this is long, but you'll appreciate all the details, honestly...

This reminded me of an 'incident' with Dd when she was about 4 months old. She was incredibly cute looking (i'm really not just saying it because she's mine, she really was! ) She was teeny tiny as she was prem, and didn't look particularily 'baby like', an old soul, with quite mature features if that makes sense? She never had a floppy head, always alert looking when awake, holding her head up from birth really. Fairly large blue eyes and a full head of gorgeous strawberry blonde hair.( still does)

I was stopped literally everywhere we went by people commenting on her.

Anyway bare with me.... she was having weekly adjustments of her harness and scans on her hips at the hospital. (which were congenitally dislocated and were inherited from me)
The specialist treating her always cooed over her and said various nice comments about how lovely she was, cute, gorgeous, the usual 'generic' baby comments!

One appointment we were standing in the reception, really busy, lots of people. She lifted Isobel up and said her usual, then said, "oh, but you really are SO gorgeous, I really can't see mummy in you at all, you are SO cute, what a remarkable face, I can't wait to see your Daddy, you are so beautiful you must take after him"

Que waiting room going quiet, me looking horrified that she had basically said that I was ugly... then... then she went onto say, "oh but you have inherited mummys hair, luckily it suites girls"

Now, I have blonde hair and blue eyes, my hair does have a bit of red in it but no where near as much as Izzys' gorgeous hair. Its a really pretty colour, lots of blonde, lots of red. She actually inherits it from both of us, DH has brown eyes and dark hair ( lots of distinguished grey now )his beard hairs are very red when they grow through...both his parents were scottish, his nieces all have beautiful red hair.

I could not believe, and still to this day, that someone could say anything quite so crass, so insensitive and actually bloody rude! she was not meaning to be rude or offensive at all, I'm certain of it. At least I hope!

A lovely lovely Dad came up to me afterwards and said, " well I think she most certainly gets her lovely sweet face from her mummy" and he winked. I could have kissed him.

Now, I know i'm not BU by being really offended about this, am I ?

brightwell · 20/07/2008 09:24

My ds 10, is the spitting image of my dp, who I've been with for 7 years!

itati · 20/07/2008 09:36

TinkerBellesMum - really, your opinion is just that and has no impact on me. You clearly think I have had a SOHF due to something TM7 posted but I find a lot of her posts rude so it is just about manners. I doubt I would find anything she posts funny as all I have seen so far is deliberately rude and pointlessly provocative posts.

lulumama · 20/07/2008 09:42

and is it ok for magnificent7 to insult me personally, tinkerbellesmum.. is that funny too ? having a good old laugh at someone?

there is nothing funny or appropriate about personal attacks

she admits that she has been here for weeks upsetting people.. why is that ok?

i found a comment offensive, i explained why, and that got me singled out for some nasty personal comments

if that means i have a sense of humour failure, fine, i would rather that ,and have integrity and manners.

it is precisely this sort of casual, 'oh, i didn;t think it was offensive' throwaway comments that irk me... because the person did not think anyone would be offended. it is ok? no. and once it is pointed out it is offensive, then surely a gracious apology, or ' i take your comments on board' would be good...

i think i will stick to the childbirth boards after this.

itati · 20/07/2008 10:14

Well said, lulu.

Will be baking later if you want to put your order in.

lulumama · 20/07/2008 10:15

ta, i;ll have a carrot cake, cream cheese frosting, and little marzipan carrots and chopped walnuts on the top !

itati · 20/07/2008 10:16

Oh heck. Carrot cake is not my best. Plus I have no carrots. I do have cream cheese and walnuts though!!

lulumama · 20/07/2008 10:19

any cake will do ! right, am off from this thread. have said my piece

TinkerBellesMum · 20/07/2008 13:00

You seem to be the only one who took offence at that, even the person who it was aimed at saw the funny side of it. lulu, I'm not sure what comment was aimed at you personally. I was commenting on the ugly baby thing that was said to the OP who did actually think it was funny. I've seen a lot of things said by TM7 that have upset other people and usually wondered why they were having a go at her. I think her comment that she has been around for weeks upsetting people didn't refer to a deliberate act of upsetting people but making a joke of the fact everything is jumped on.

susiecutiebananas that's exactly how we described Tink in those days. Prem babies have amazing features. I don't think she meant it like she said it, she was probably kicking herself later when she realised what she said. I tend to use that excuse a lot to ignore comments from HCP's who really can't have realised what they said (like the doctor who was shocked my daughter had survived birth at 20 weeks and started asking things like "what happened? was she gasping?" it's one of the only bad comments that I laugh about because I know her professionalism got bypassed by something so rare it took her by surprise).

Nighbynight · 20/07/2008 13:38

YANBU, however...

In my case, dd looks so unlike me, that her schoolfriends think she's adopted (and have no hesitation in telling her that it must have been when she was so little that she doesnt remember)

My 4 children look SO different, and one of them looks SO unlike his father, that people tend not to comment about the father at all. They just stay very quiet, but you can see the thoughts running on the tickertape through their heads. ("No WAY can that boy be the son of that man, oops Id better not annoy the mum by saying anything, he doesnt look much like her either")

TinkerBellesMum · 20/07/2008 14:00

You just reminded me of when we were little. We made friends with a mixed race family where the youngest son went to nursery with my brother and me, the daughter went to nursery with my sister and we all went to the same school. We're still all friends now.

Mum and the other mum used to swap children or one would have all the kids. There was 2nd son, me, youngest son, my brother, daughter, my sister (black, white, black, white, black, white). The looks we'd get when we all went out were hysterical! People would be looking at whichever mother had them trying to figure us out. We'd all mess around, call the other mother "Mum" and things like that to confuse people.

DonnyLass · 20/07/2008 14:09

I said ... I know ... thank god I got away with it

that usually shuts em up

lulumama · 20/07/2008 16:50

tinkerbellesmum, does not matter if no-one else thought it was offensive, i persoanlly found it so.

the comment where mag7 said 'lulumama you are not very bright' and went on to suggest i worked in a call centre was clearly aimed at me. do you think that is appropriate?

TinkerBellesMum · 20/07/2008 17:00

No I don't think that was pleasant, but I didn't see that one and wasn't commenting on that.

It's very noble of you to be upset about a comment made about someone else's child.

lulumama · 20/07/2008 17:13

i was upset about the jewish nose comment , not about someone elses child but as a term in itself. sorry that you find that so hard to understand,

i am sick of justifying myself, and being given a fucking hard time for being offended. i was not offended for anyone else, but myself. i was also pissed off at the 'not very bright comment' - as i am educated to post grad level,

and i am cross at having to stand up for myself in this way. as far as i am concerned now, i am drawing a line under this, i should not have to justify my personal feelings to you or anyone and i am pissed off.

schneebly · 20/07/2008 17:25

Tikerbellesmum - just so you know that lulumama was not the only one offended by the comment! I find it offensive. It is not acceptable to make sweeping racial generalisations like youngbutnotdumb did and furthermore it is not acceptable to personally insult another poster which is what Mag7 did to lulumama.

I really do not understand some people's thinking!

TinkerBellesMum · 20/07/2008 17:52

But I was talking about TM7's post about ugly babies, I thought it was someone else who made the Jewish nose comment.

Are you Jewish? Like I said, a lot of my family are and I don't know any of them who would take offence at the comment, the nose is quite a (ahem) prominent feature within my family. The Jews are descended from one family so they do have familial traits, just as lots of other cultures do. In my previous post I mentioned how girls at my school could identify what country others girls came from by which way their hair curled. I don't know why a racial trait is racism.

Youcanthaveeverything · 20/07/2008 18:20

But there is a nose shape distinctive to, and commonly occuring within the Jewish race is there not?

As there was/is (don't know) with the Romans?

And with poeple from African descent?

It is a gneralisation obviously, as not all poele within any race display common features.

But a usful descrptive surely?

The comparison with balck poeples noses was offensive because of the term 'blackie' and 'darkie' not because of the suggestion of an often common nose shape.

'Yid nose' would have been offense.

Chinky eyes is offensive.

Chinese shaped eyes is not. It's descriptive.

Surely?

TinkerBellesMum · 20/07/2008 18:27

Exactly. That's why I'm so confused.

lulumama · 20/07/2008 19:02

yes, i am jewish, as i posted initially in response to the comment

i explained why i was offended

two other people also found it offensive and explained why

i also said i was not offended on any one else's behalf

i was further offended my mag7's personal and nasty comments to me

i do not wish to carry on having to justify why i was offended

i have posted my feelings on this, and will not be drawn into any more justification of my personal feelings

Youcanthaveeverything · 20/07/2008 19:17

You do not have to justify it Lulumama.

You were offended, you have your reasons.

But others are justified in considering whether this is a generally offensive comment that should always be avoided, or a reasonable descriptive comment, and there is obviously some disgareemnt on this.

You don't have to exaplin yourself anymore, or contribute to the discussion.

I understand completely why Mag7's personal comments about jobs/education upset you, they were plainly nasty and unjustified. Anyone whose been on MN more than 5minutes knows how articulate, considered, intelligent, thoughtful,kind, calm and rational you are. Don't take those comments to heart, they are so far from the truth, it's laughable.

lulumama · 20/07/2008 19:19

i appreciate you taking the time to say that, and i am going to go and have a large gin and let you debate the semantics and potential offensiveness of said comments !

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