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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say what I like on Facebook, even if it hurts X's feelings?

69 replies

dragonstitcher · 11/07/2008 11:12

Five weeks ago I left an emotionally abusive marriage of ten years. X wants us to stay friends because it's better for everyone involved esp the children. I have agreed to leave divorce for 2 years so that it will be a no-blame divorce.

Last week I went to my 12yo DD parents evening. She has always struggled at school and noone has ever been able to pin down why. She has been tested for ADHD and dyslexia which were both negative. We were referred to Family Therapy and went for 18 months but it never helped (apart from making me realise that here lay the route of DDs problems at school so I suppose it did help). All the teachers were really excited because DD has made fantastic progress in the last two months (she knew we were leaving two months ago - a coincedence or not?). She has excelled her target grade in seven subjects, her confidence has grown, her efforts have doubled and she is handing in homework. I didn't mention my theory but just let her take the praise and the credit.

On Facebook, in the 'what are you doing now?' section, I typed -

"L is over the moon with DDs sudden fantastic progress at school and feels validated. Now she knows that leaving was the right thing to do."

This morning X stopped me on the way back from school and asked me to delete it. He put on a hurt expression and asked why I had to do something like that when we were supposed to be friendly. I know that this is one of his emotionally abusive tactics to try to control me and what I do, but was I wrong? AIBU?

OP posts:

PinkChick · 11/07/2008 11:15

remove him from your friends list, you dont want him snoping around you page if you dont trust him..write what you like

Dropdeadfred · 11/07/2008 11:15

Delete him from your facebook friends...?

I probably wouldn't state things like that publically as it does seem to be gloating in a way ( although I throrughly undertand why you'd want to) - perhaps say what you like, but in private messages to friends?

ZZMum · 11/07/2008 11:16

I would hate that!! Think it is wrong to air your private family situation on line ..it is not control from him - I think it is sadness that it is not really friendly when you are being so open about your personal lives - not the stuff that should be bandied about on line for anyone to read

ChickenBurger · 11/07/2008 11:16

Yes remove him, I can see why he thought it was a bit snipey though, it is really.

FAQ · 11/07/2008 11:17

if you do want to keep him on your friends list, still state things like that publically, but don't want him to read it but him on limited profile so he can't see your status updates.

I did that to my brother (only person I have on my friends list with a limiteed profile)

kerryk · 11/07/2008 11:17

i dont understand how people have to live there whole life through facebook and put up every detail of there private life. can you not just be smug quietly.

zippitippitoes · 11/07/2008 11:18

i wpuldnt have him as a facebook friend or use facebook to say things like that

if you are divorcing then ime you drop out of each others social lives and random contact

but you also show a bit of respect for the other person

i wouldnt wait two years for divorce either

KatieDD · 11/07/2008 11:25

Hmmm you've agreed to a no blame divorce and yet here you are blaming him on fecking Facebook for your childs lack of progress up until the point you left him. I think I can see why he's pissed off and it doesn't make you look great to the rest of your friends either tbh, bit childish.

lou031205 · 11/07/2008 11:26

Ouch - I can understand him being a little upset. Whether or not you are justified, some things are best kept private.

cheesesarnie · 11/07/2008 11:27

i think id be cross and hurt too.

zippitippitoes · 11/07/2008 11:29

i think you sound as though you have considerable capacity to be quite emotionally abusive too

maybe as a result of your experiences i dont know

Love2bake · 11/07/2008 11:31

I agree with your X TBH.

You could of just left the last bit off.

Orchid36 · 11/07/2008 11:54

Well you could remove him as a friend "Block" him from viewing your profile / wall etc ( go to your profiles section )
which might be a good idea to do anyway as he could use anything against you and vice versa (this is my opinion) when it comes to divorce .

I think I would be slightly cross / hurt if I read that on an X's Facebook page , I tend to keep personal stuff out of facebook but that is my choice , however I did tell some to leave me the feck alone and stop hasseling me and I did go into detail as to why I left him rather bluntly on facebook and made sure everyone could read it ( this person was an X ) but then why are these people X's ?? this is not a justification but it's your opinion and your choice , just as it was for you to leave an emotionally abusive marriage, he made the choice to emotionally abusive , and is there really such a thing as a no blame divorce

And you could have just left the last bit off !

but it's your choice

nametaken · 11/07/2008 11:54

YABU

Alambil · 11/07/2008 12:01

I can understand why you did it tbh; showing him that "hey, we're doing well without you, despite the 10 yrs of shit you put us through" is a very nice feeling and overwhelmingly tempting to do... but I don't think, with the agreement of a "blameless" divorce you should do that

Also, why blamelessly divorce? It'd be over in 6m if you use the domestic violence (emotional abuse is DV) - it doesn't have to be acrimonious, it would just be over sooner and not be hanging around like a bad smell

Alambil · 11/07/2008 12:01

blameless divorce even

dal21 · 11/07/2008 12:05

Ouch! YABU

Option 1) If you want to be able to live your life so freely through facebook, then remove your ex as a friend. You can remain friends without doing the whole facebook thing
Option 2) Watch what you write on facebook, because that is extremely hurtful IMO

Also bear in mind that some of your friends may not find that the most tasteful of updates. I would find an update like that a little too TMI in the public domain and simply share privately with a few close friends/ family.

TotalChaos · 11/07/2008 12:05

I think YABU, as I don't think facebook is an appropriate place for such personal comments.

wannaBe · 11/07/2008 12:14

why on earth do people have this need to live their lives on facebook? I have people on my contacts who do this, you might as well be getting a running dialogue on what they're doing. "x is getting up/making coffee/very happy/making another cup of coffee/having a shit" why? My BIL even updates his if he's sitting in traffic.

I personally think that making smug comments like that is very childish, and hurtful. It also puts your friends, some of whom are presumably joint friends, in a very awkward position, because they can't comment/not comment because of potentially not wanting to take sides.

And judging by that comment and your xh's response to it, I would have assumed it wasn't he who was the emotionally abusive one tbh.

madamez · 11/07/2008 12:20

Well yeah, the whole of facebook doesn't need to know. But on the other hand, if your X was emotionally abusive then why are you letting him insist on staying 'friends' and a no-fault divorce? You don't have to, you know. YOu should be civil to him and civil about him in your DD's hearing, but you don't need to socialise with him or let him in the house if you don't want to.

themildmanneredjanitor · 11/07/2008 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Tortington · 11/07/2008 12:23

it's unecessary.

HermanMunster · 11/07/2008 12:29

YABU, i can't fathom why anyone would write such a thing on it anyway.
how would you feel if he had posted something which implied that it was your presence and poor parenting skills that were to blame for your childs learning difficulties for everyone to see?

TigerFeet · 11/07/2008 12:30

Whilst I think that while its understandable that you want to shout from the rooftops how much better your life is now, this is not the way to go about it.

Rise above, be the better person.

Delete him as a friend, divorce him asap and move on.

Original poster

dragonstitcher · 11/07/2008 12:51

Wow! Well thanks for your honest answers.

Interesting though, I had quite a different response from another BB where the people have met me, know me well and know what I have been through. Here are a couple of the replies:-

I think you have the right to put what you want on your facebook page....if he doesn't like what you write then he shouldn't read it. What's he doing reading it anyway - spying on you??

"What's he doing reading it anyway - spying on you??"
Quite. It's your page and if he doesn't like what you've written, well, boo-hoo, he shouldn't be reading it!

I know all too well that it's a delicate balance between being friendly and not letting yourself be controlled or manipulated. Even 18 months on from my separation, I still ocasionally catch myself saying and doing things just to appease X. Stick to your guns though, it's time to be 'you', no matter what he thinks.

OP posts:

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