To say what I like on Facebook, even if it hurts X's feelings?

[dragonstitcher]

Five weeks ago I left an emotionally abusive marriage of ten years. X wants us to stay friends because it's better for everyone involved esp the children. I have agreed to leave divorce for 2 years so that it will be a no-blame divorce.

Last week I went to my 12yo DD parents evening. She has always struggled at school and noone has ever been able to pin down why. She has been tested for ADHD and dyslexia which were both negative. We were referred to Family Therapy and went for 18 months but it never helped (apart from making me realise that here lay the route of DDs problems at school so I suppose it did help). All the teachers were really excited because DD has made fantastic progress in the last two months (she knew we were leaving two months ago - a coincedence or not?). She has excelled her target grade in seven subjects, her confidence has grown, her efforts have doubled and she is handing in homework. I didn't mention my theory but just let her take the praise and the credit.

On Facebook, in the 'what are you doing now?' section, I typed -

"L is over the moon with DDs sudden fantastic progress at school and feels validated. Now she knows that leaving was the right thing to do."

This morning X stopped me on the way back from school and asked me to delete it. He put on a hurt expression and asked why I had to do something like that when we were supposed to be friendly. I know that this is one of his emotionally abusive tactics to try to control me and what I do, but was I wrong? AIBU?

So, why IS he a friend on there? surely he can contact yon on phone/house/email - you don't need to let him see your facebook page.

You don't need to have a blameless divorce either - if there is a reason, let it be stated! Tough shit if it's due to his abuse; he shouldn't have done it if he didn't want it quoted back at him.

is allowing him full access to FB and the divorce thing to appease him too, do you think? Honestly? Think long and hard about that; don't let him have bits of control over you any more, even if most of it is different

"What's he doing reading it anyway - spying on you??"
Quite. It's your page and if he doesn't like what you've written, well, boo-hoo, he shouldn't be reading it!"

i'd agree with that if he'd been snooping and reading it in your diary or text messages or something private.
by putting it on facebook i'd imagine you knew he'd see it, even if it was only subconsciously, and wanted him and others to see it.

You say you want the divorce to be amicable but do you really because making comments like that on FB is only going to piss your X off. Which will mean things will not be amicable

Yes, you can think these things in private, but if you want to keep it nice for the kids then this is the wrong way to start.

I hardly ever use that status update thing btw. This was a one off.

I'm finding it really hard to do the right thing or to even know what the right thing is. For ten years I've had X telling me off for saying the wrong thing and controlling everything I say and do, so I've let off steam a little now that I have the freedom to do so. But he is still telling me off, so I don't have as much freedom as I thought. But maybe if what I wrote was so bad, maybe I was wrong and he was right for those ten years.

My original plan when I left was to let the dust settle and divorce in a few months. He has made a big thing out of being friendly and I caved into agreeing to divorce in 2 years. He doesn't agree that he has abused me because he never hit me and he doesn't want to be blamed in the divorce.

He is still emotionally abusing and controlling me even though I have left. He is able to do this because I'm conditioned to a point that I don't know whether I'm right or wrong in my feelings and opinions and he is able to plant seeds of doubt. He is a headworker. He is very good at what he does. I'm even more confused now after this unanimous reply stating that I am the abusive, childish person here.

no you being wrong this once doesn't mean you were wrong for the last 10 years so don't beat yourself up and automatically assume that.
there is no way of us knowing who was right and who was wrong over the last 10 years as we don't know the facts and only have one side of the story so it is impossible for us to make a judgment call on your marraige and i for one am not trying to do so.

i am only commenting on the one particular scenario you outlined in the op where you did ask for an opinion.
instead of being happy with your childs progress of itself you used it as a tool to have a sly dig at your ex.
now if he was abusive for years this is understandable and by the sounds of things you are not happy with the path that the divorce proceedings are taking and this seems to be a reaction to his still controlling things even after the split.

my advice would be that you are seperated so not to let him dictate things to you and to take whatever personal decisions you can to exert more control over the divorce proceedings.
because by allowing him to you have the power you have allowed to bring you down to his petty controlling level, and such sly digs will only fuel his victim complex and also let him know that he can still get to you.

i am guessing that he doesnt agree that he has been emotionally abusive

have you asked you rsolicitor if you have one about divorce citing unreasonable behaviour

you could come to some agreement with exh as to what he wont fight agaiunst

as really its both your interests and chi,ldrens interests to divorce quickly in these circumstances

tbh nobody knows really why you divorce in the long run

it is easier than dragging it out over time

I'm sorry you've had a rough time and I am pleased to hear you're turning things round so well. I do understand that it's difficult to know what's right and what's wrong after so many years of having been told you are wrong all the time. It takes time to realise that maybe you are right sometimes but also you have to realise that maybe, occasionally, you might actually get little things like this wrong, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't really matter.

I'm not surprised he wants you to go for a 2 year divorce, why would he want to be cited for unreasonable behaviour? Sadly I think he is still exercising some control over you by persuading you to wait. I really think it would do your self esteem the world of good to go ahead with a divorce, on your terms, citing him as the unreasonable party.

As for
"What's he doing reading it anyway - spying on you??"
Quite. It's your page and if he doesn't like what you've written, well, boo-hoo, he shouldn't be reading it!"

I couldn't disagree more. Anything you write on a public website is there for all to read - not just those you might choose to read it. It's not as if he has to click on your page to read your status updates. If I were you I would keep this sort of thing more private. By all means think it, say it to friends, you are entitled to do so and it will be really good for you to do so. However to write them in a public place is not a good idea, unneccessary, as I said before, be the bigger person and rise above.

Oh and remove him from your facebook friends.

What TigerFeet said. Both posts.

Ok. If I remove him from my friends he is going to demand why. While I agree with you that I'm letting him control me by trying to appease him, I really don't want the hassle of him going on about 'we are supposed to be friends, why did you remove me, what will everybody think' etc etc.

I've been playing with my privacy settings and have set things up so that he can still see family photos that only friends can see, but limited profile can't, but he can't see things like personal info or status updates. A good compromise I think.

but you arent friends are you

you are breaking up over emotional abuse in 10 years of marriage

Message withdrawn

He is still controlling you. This facebook thing is actually irrelevant: he is trying to make you wait for the divorce so he can tell everyone how unreasonable and wicked you are for refusing to obey stay friends with him. You need to put your foot down with him, he is not your 'friend' he is the co-parent of your children and you do not want to have any communication with him other than with regard to the children, at present. Get a solicitor and file for divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour, citing as much evidence as possible. If you think he is being awkward now, you are in for a hell of a time should you express any interest in dating someone else, this bully is going to go bananas.

Sorry but YABU

Dirty washing and public spring to mind

YABU.

I don't think you should write things like that on the internet. It's very personal and I can see why he is pissed off.

Do you want him to be your friend, in RL or on Facebook? I think the time has come for you to decide what you want, not worry about what he wants. If you don't have him as a friend on FB then that's your decision, not his, and you should delete him. If he says anything, remind him that who you chose to have as your FB friends is your business. Don't let him pressure you into doing everything your way.

If you want to keep him as a friend on FB then fair enough, but if you do then I think you ought to keep your status updates to less personal things.

Doesn't stop you having every right to think these things - fwiw I think that you have every right be proud of what you and your dc's have achieved since he left - just keep your comments to where he can't see them

Don't let him pressure you into doing everything your way.

should read

Don't let him pressure you into doing everything his way.

sorry

actually how did facebook ever get to be that important

surely at this point in your life a networking site is the least important thing to think about when you are talking about divorce and your future

it is just a diversion for both of you from reality

drop him from facebook and get your lives sorted out with the help opf legal advice

tho if possible do so in such a way that it doesnt cost too much

only contact each other as necessary by ordinary channels like the telephone and letters and email

Agree zip

This is about so much more than what has been said by whom on FB

It's all about the OP's xh's control over her.

Dragonstitcher, you are doing very well, after all it is still very early days - but I think you could stand up for yourself a lot more than you seem to be atm.

I think YABU, it really is airing dirty laundry in pblic.

You put it on there knowing he wold see it and I'm aure you knew it would hurt him. I can see why you did it tohugh, but perhaps you should keep your personal stuff out of facebook?

ALtohugh I also agree that you should drop him from your DB friends, he doesn't need to be there. And get the divorce now, why wait two years?

i would disagree with anyone posting their childs thoughts about something as difficult as a separation for all to see, but especially for the parent they were being negative about to see. awful situation to put your dd in.

i do think you would be better off cutting him out of your contacts altogether. my ex was very controlling and abusive, i only managed to move on because he had to stay away from me (bail terms). the problem with men who are emotionally abusive like this is that they make you believe them. if you dont talk to them they cant do that. have you spoken to a solicitor about the consequences of waiting for a divorce and not having his behaviour put in it? could it make things difficult with contact/residency in future if he decides to crank up the abuse again? my ex has used the kids to get to me a lot, can you be sure yours wont? if there was anything i could do to lessen the control he had i would do it, my kids are the only way he can do anything to upset me now.

Remove him from your friends.

I left an awful x. He was verbally abusive, undermined me, and was physically aggressive during arguments.

I am civil to him (when I see him) for the sake of children. We don't need to be friends. Nobody who knows what I went through expects me to be anything more than civil.

DON@T feel you have to be friends with him.

You've been trhough a lot. You're not the Brady Bunch, or, who am I thinking of Prince Andrew and Fergie. You are entitled to move on. Divorce the fekker.

the two year wait for divorce is surely for people who dont have issues and so there m ay be a hope of reconciliation

in your case it doesnt sound like there will and the law says that yoiu can cite unreasonable behaviour

much better to be divorced sooner rather than it be long drawn out

i would definitely go for that option

i cant understand anyone staying married a minute longer than they have to

Have you visited a solicitor? I think that you really need to be very sure that you are doing what you want to do, not what your X wants. Find out your options. Although dh and I are now back together I found it very empowering to know what I could do on my own initiative. How you manage your divorce is up to you as you are the party leaving for what appear to be good reasons. Work out how you want to manage your relationship with your X, think about what would work for your children, and how you can discuss it with them (also see if you can get help to do this possibly more Family Therapy or Mediation?). It sounds like you have worked out a sensible way to manage the Facebook issue, but there will be more to come. I am interested that he is concerned "what will everyone think" about you taking him off his friends list. This implies to me that he might well think that you moving out is a temporary matter, as I would have thought that you leaving him is more significant than the status of your Facebook account - presumably you have updated the relationship status?

Finally have you thought about having some counseling for yourself? You do sound (very understandably) fragile. I think the more support you can get hold of at this time the better.

Ah, sod Facebook and let's look at the real priorities here:
You need this guy out of your face.
(out of your life would be better but he does have a right to see his kids).

He has been emotionally abusive to you for 10 years.
Could you explain why have you signed up for another 2 years of this?
To do him a favour? Does he really deserve your favours?

He will probably bang on about the 'welfare of the children' but the dcs will be fine,
in fact, they are more than fine already (!) now that their mother is less affected by constant emotional abuse.

dragonstitcher, please imagine for a second how much more of an amazing mother you could be
if you completely removed yourself from the malign influence of this man!

If you have not got the necessary self-respect to do it for yourself
do it for your children.